Self Healing

 

Today someone asked me on my brain tumour Facebook group what I meant by self-healing. I guess it’s a strange couple of words and an even odder one for many to actually apply.

For so many people it seems like they are not able to listen to themselves, listen to their body- what THEY want or need to do. They have been told as kids to not cry - ‘don’t be a baby’, to eat your greens - as they are 'good for you', go to bed by 9pm - like behaved children do, that you ‘have' to go to school - follow the rules and don’t misbehave, and constantly reminded that ‘we all have to do things we don’t enjoy’.

Then as adults it all gets compounded when you can only take days off work if you are sick or use your holiday days, and you have to be on time or you don’t keep your job - no matter what is going on in your life.

We are told to take paracetamol for a backache, to block whatever the cause is and keep going, it doesn’t matter if there is a physical reason that your back is struggling, or a mental one that is telling you another reason.

Whatever it is instead we are supposed to ‘toughen up’, ‘ignore it’ or ‘plough through it’… if you stop you are weak, lazy and probably letting people down.

Self ‘anything’ is not encouraged in society… you cannot miss a certain topic in school just as you hate it, even if you would happily do double of another topic you love instead.

You are made to get out of bed at a certain time, even if your body is still tired and will not be able to perform at its best in any way. Another hour asleep so you would be on top of your game is not permitted.

You are not supposed to stay at home if you don’t feel well- why else would schools give attendance awards to those that come in every day? (forgetting the fact they just spread a cold to half the class!) or work limits your ‘sick days’ so you won’t get paid.

So instead of listening to your body, we are encouraged to ‘take something to help it’ which is not healing the problem (no one is paracetamol deficient!) – instead it’s just covering the symptoms, covering ‘you’.

I could go on for ages about home education instead of schooling. I took my two youngest children out of school, when the schools’ rules and targets became more important than the child and they started to treat them worse than a prison would be able to treat a prisoner… (and no I’m not joking 😠) Or the whole capitalist society we live in and how wrong it is on so many levels…

I think many people also see their work and career as part of them, it defines them- after all society all but grades us by it (a housewife has no ranking and a brain surgeon is at the top!) 

So when someone cannot continue with their work (be it for weeks or years) for whatever reason, many people are in a void of not knowing who they are. Their life is on ‘hold’ until they are better and can go back to doing what they did before, or something equally meaningful in societies eyes.

It’s why when some people retire they get ill, or the kids leave the nest and the parents relationship breaks down. What are they now? Nothing!

It doesn't matter if you are unemployed, long term sick, unable to work, a housewife, retired or just not seeking work. They are always on the bottom of the list of 'what profession do you have' ... silently saying you are the lowest rank in society. I despise this.

But I will say what I mean by self-healing …

I just mean asking yourself what YOU need today, or even this minute. 


It may be to go and sit in the garden, to feel the sun on your face or tend to some plants (sitting down if you have to), to get a notebook and write down your feelings- release all the anger or fear on paper, to do a puzzle, to sit and drink a tea you enjoy slowly, to go back to sleep, to find a club/class/group/cafe to go to, make a meal you love, eat out, take a walk, play music, watch comedy films, do or start a hobby you've always wanted to... the list goes on and what will be right for one will be torture for another- they key is to do what you feel is good for you.

Also to be able to love and accept yourself just as you are - today, not thinking constantly what you think you should be, or what society wants you to be. 

I have red hair... it has slightly changed intensity over the years, and I now have a very few white hairs (mainly near my scars?!) ..but its still red. If, and when, it goes white, then so be it. If I chose to dye it, I may look different to others, but my hair will still be red (or white!). I could hate it and spend my life dying it every couple of weeks, or I can just embrace it's colour and texture and save myself a fortune and a lot of stress!

After all it's me and I don't see the need to cover 'me' up...

So, if you are recovering from illness, then let yourself rest and be weaker than normal. Accept your body as it is. Getting angry or frustrated that you cannot do something is not going to suddenly change it so that you can. Of course you can still have goals to push yourself another step - you don't have to accept that you will never change, just know that today you are still on that way to changing.

If instead you see your life as just doing what your body tells you, then it’s not so much on hold... you are just doing differently. Being in the moment. Looking after yourself for when you are either able to work again or find something different that you enjoy.

Problem is when you start listening to yourself... your world changes and you can never go back to blocking your feelings or emotions again.

A close up photo of my hair in sunlight.

                  

Changing Email - I can't cope or decide

My husband is changing my email address, as we have realised it is far cheaper to use another internet service provider, telephone package etc. I will say when he signed up to change ISP he thought I could keep my email address... but he now thinks that we have to pay to keep it.🙄

So I am going to need to get a new email using my website address... (and possibly use another computer just to add to my confusion -as my laptop is getting a bit old) but it feels I have SO many people to contact, contact groups to set up, businesses I use, shopping sites, affiliate links, book promotion contacts and emails, health ombudsman etc, plus all the important contacts like Dr's who I need to notify... 

I started trying to change them today, going through my new emails and many of them you cannot easily change email. Some you can change every other piece of contact information, but have to email them individually to change the email address😕

Some I have forgotten the password for (and as I need to log on to change things, I will need to do this while the old email is still active or I cannot receive the email password reminder)

Some my kids are already using with my 'new' address so we cannot have two accounts on the same email.... (as I had the new email set up a while back - before I got ill - and so when they needed an individual email as I wasn't using it, I let them use this email instead ...) So I need to change theirs or get yet another email name from my website... 😒

 ...and I want to scream.... 

My brain cannot cope with it. I don't understand if my email details are stored in outlook or BT, and if they will still be here once the email address goes. I can't seem to 'get my head' around any of it. 

Just like anything I do that is different to my usual routine. I can update my website, but unless I have done it recently, I forget how to upload it every damn time - as there are a certain number of actions needing to be done and I never remember them all... the frustration is enormous. 

It got so bad earlier that I couldn't even work out how to save my email contacts in the contacts folder...
 

It's so annoying when you cannot explain yourself, don't understand what will go and what will stay, have forgotten most of my passwords making the job ten times harder, but have loads of info I really don't want to lose and yet need to remember what it is! 

I know my husband thinks it's as simple as me asking how to write an email and totally obvious- after all he does this sort of thing every day. I'm sure he thinks I am being stupid and hysterical...

But my brain definitely feels broken tonight 😭

And just as I was managing to get some things from our clear out finally on eBay (the having to take pictures, word things correctly and weigh items I have been procrastinating over for a few weeks since I had the house tidy and was knackered after..) and not have them sitting in our front room... now I  have been told I need to sort my email ASAP!!! 😭

So I'm going to bed now, as I just cannot think straight. Will have to look at it again tomorrow hopefully with a less fatigued brain... x