Prayer and nature

Today after my dog walk round the park, I once again sat on my favourite tree by the gates. Sitting right next to the road where my mother, my aunt, and I know my grandfather walked to school on the then dirt track.

Where on his way to school he used to go scrumping apples from the then orchard where I am now sitting. Where my great-grandmother also had walked to that same school well over 120 years ago. My great-grandparents and my great-great-grandparents probably also walking past this spot on their way to church for several decades. 

Where my family had been living since 1875, always less than 130 metres from my house!

As I sat there, on this spot that connects me to them,  I once again thought about my ancestors and the many times I've prayed for them to support me, give me the strength I need to continue.

And I realised sometimes that's all we have left... prayer.

Many people on my brain tumour group say they are sending prayers to others, many say they pray themselves, that praying gives them strength and it's there when there is nothing else left.

It doesn't matter to me of you call it God Allah, Jesus, Grace or the Divine Source . The intention is the same.

The knowing there is a bigger plan is the same.

The love is the same.



And with that thought and the tears rolling down my face, a robin appeared in the branches of the tree I was sitting. Singing its amazing song. Stretching its body, up and down to balance itself against the movement of the branch in the wind. trying to keep its balance. Going with the flow of life...

Prayer and nature, sometimes it's all we've got. 

But sometimes it's all we need. 🙏🌱💖💫 

 

My Great-Grandparents

My Grandad riding (backwards!) on the road at the side of the park!

 

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Vagus Nerve Healing

I always look out for synchronicity and serendipitous occurrences since my surgery, as I have had some really helpful and powerful messages when I have been paying attention.

Several months ago on my brain tumour group someone posted about having vagus nerve healing which although interesting, I partly ignored as I couldn't afford to look for treatments. Then I saw article after article pop up on the vagus nerve, and even in regard to anxiety. So I searched it, finding that you could do healing exercises. The one I liked best was by Sukie Baxter - Whole Body Revolution - who has a You Tube Channel  as just listening to her voice was soothing. But doing the simple exercise (here) of literally looking out the sides of my eyes for a minute each side made me feel insanely dizzy after, and the wobbly feeling didn't just for a few minutes, but for the rest of the day.

Yet I felt that as something so simple could have such a dramatic effect, it must be something my body needed. After a few conversations on you tube with Sukie I tried it again, but not looking as far to the side, nor holding it for as long. Again I found it hard to look round to the second side, and realised it didn't matter which side did first, the first side was OK but the second I could feel myself and my vision going in circles trying to focus. So again I had to keep looking a bit further forwards (I reduced it to just over 45° each way), only held it for 15- 20 seconds and also only did the exercise at night so I could go to sleep afterwards without having to walk or feel wobbly.

Over a few weeks I gradually increased it so that I could get to around 70°, although the first side was always better by about 10° than the second side! Plus I also increased the time to 30, then 40 seconds.

Then at some point on doing another of the vagus nerve exercises for anxiety I realised it had calmed me, and so decided to buy the book she recommended to see what else it could help with. Accessing the Healing Power of the Vagus Nerve

On receiving this book I was totally fascinated with the topic, almost every word I could relate to, from the common problems related to cranial nerve dysfunction and the states of the automatic nervous system almost summing up my health, to how the Polyvagal Theory could mean that my body, not my faulty thoughts, was causing many of my emotional struggles.

I sat and cried when it explained that I could be 'stuck' in fight or flight mode and this could be the cause of my now almost constant anxiety, or blank depression. I know that when I still had my tumour, I was experiencing fight or flight fear responses many many times a day when my brain wasn't able to cope with moving around and it throwing me off balance. The sick to your stomach panic hitting me each time. I had explained this to my neurosurgeon, GP, the neurophysiologist, and anyone who has ever supported me since my surgery... No one ever said this trauma might have been 'trapped' in my body. 

Despite this urge to read more, I was only able to read a chapter at the most each day, before I either couldn't take it in and absorb the info (and I know I needed to) or my eyes would physically struggle to see anymore without them blurring. And this was with my reading glasses, or my varifocals on. (or after taking them off, as sometimes this is actually better?!)

It was also informative that my wasted neck muscle could be part of my health issues as people with a dysfunction in the neck muscles are often not 'socially engaged'. (What you should be if the vagus nerve is functioning well)

Anyway, I was keeping up the basic exercise and gradually I realised I was having a few days at a time of feeling less anxious. I also had the urge to 'help myself' a bit more rather than feeling 'empty and blank' and brought some Palo Santo essential oil (which I absolutely love the smell of, and realised it is also for anxiety, depression, and stress - which might have been why it was calling me!) and booked an appointment with the chiropractor. (who I had not seen for months due to lockdown)

At this chiropractic appointment, she did a fair bit of work on my head and neck and I could feel how badly my body had been twisted to one side again, as well as wanting to cry when she gently manipulated my head and neck - I told her 'I still feel trauma is trapped here'. Plus she told me it was my trapezious muscle in my neck that was wasted. (which then explained a lot to me) 

The next morning, I woke to the top of my head feeling so sore, not only the usual sore spot but a bigger area in the middle of my numb patch. It is an odd feeling to describe, but a mix of someone pulling your hair out and sunburn. It felt like the nerves were slowly returning and (as I have found) the pain was one of the first signs of change.

Despite this I had the urge to do things and spent a few days in the garden, planting seeds, getting pots moved and then tidying up various bits in the house.

And... After a few days I suddenly realised I had not felt more than mildly anxious, was much less depressed and my health felt generally better!

Roll on a few months and another couple of chiropractic appointments and it felt like nothing more had changed. I was expecting things to continue as I was still doing the Vagus Nerve Exercises, but the anxiety and blank depression had not reduced further. 

Then, as coincidence has it, in September 2021 my husband had a customer here that happened to be, amongst other holistic healing modalities, a massage therapist. So I decided to try if this would help my neck.

After my second appointment, I had a rather interesting (and what also seemed rather depressing) observation on the fight or flight reflex .... He had released one of my neck muscles and then asked me something about after my surgery (I think on purpose) and as I spoke about it he said he could feel my muscle instantly tense right back up and go back to the same level of tension it was before he started.😲

So even thinking about the trauma of hospital and my surgery, despite not even talking about one of the times that was really tough or emotional, my body still physically reacted. I mean I know my fight or flight has never really gone down, but for it to be this clear was rather depressing, and it felt almost pointless me getting getting any treatment such as a massage to help if it just instantly goes back.

 

But a couple of times during the treatment I had just cried for what seemed like no apparent reason. I hadn't been thinking of anything that would make me cry, yet tears were just running down my face.  So I accepted these tears needed to be released and just sat there allowing them.

 

However to my surprise, after a couple of weeks and not really doing anything else too different to what I had been for a while, I suddenly realised my stress and anxiety levels had reduced considerably!  

Now, me being me, with the memory of a fish at times, after a few weeks I forgot to keep up the Vagus Nerve Exercises, I simply didn't remember to do them more than occasionally before I went to sleep.... but the anxiety, although not gone, had very much reduced. 

 As ever, it's a work in progress. Brain injuries and trauma take their time to improve! 😁

 

Accessing the Healing Power of the Vagus Nerve: Self-Help Exercises for Anxiety, Depression, Trauma, and Autism
Stanley Rosenberg

 
"Accessing the Healing Power of the Vagus Nerve is a practical guide to understanding the cranial nerves as the key to our psychological and physical wellbeing. Drawing from the polyvagal theory of Stephen Porges--one of the biggest new developments in human neurobiology--Rosenberg explains in easy-to-understand terms how the vagus nerve, in particular, has a strong role in determining our psychological and emotional state, especially when it comes to how we relate and react to other people. By understanding the physiology of the autonomic nervous system and practicing simple exercises to restore proper vagal functioning, we can learn how to improve our emotional state within minutes. Those suffering from anxiety, depression, panic, and trauma will find much that is useful here, as well as those with physical ailments such as chronic pain and digestive problems. Additionally, because the vagus nerve is a key regulator of social interaction, therapy for proper vagal functioning has great potential for helping those with autism spectrum disorders."

Guidance & Path Finder

I have had an emotional weekend. No, make that a funny few weeks with emotions coming up in every part of my life to be sorted. It has not been fun, or easy...although I have got to the point I cannot handle things as they are and so sorting them needs doing...

It started with not even getting an interview for a (brain) charity position I volunteered for.

Where I said the reason I was applying was as I was a brain injury sufferer (as was one of the requirements they wanted) and want to change things, giving details of what I had written and done since my surgery.

I was offering my time for FREE and did not even get an interview! 

How's that for helping you feel you are useless?!

Then I went to a local holistic event yesterday. I'd totally forgotten about it, but it popped up on my phone so I decided to go along as it felt right.

After I got there I walked to the 'workshop' room and was chatting to a woman there waiting - who just happened to be presenting. It was very interesting as her talk was about how the brain can be reprogrammed, and how negative self talk harms our brain, and with it our health...

Which, coincidentally or not, I have been actively trying to just observe and listen to myself these last few weeks...

Part of what she explained was how you would never speak to a friend with the negativity you say to yourself, yet most of us to this and never even question it.

& I realised I'm the worst friend I'd ever have...

Plus I very much need to remember these words:

"I am enough."

Anyway a while later I walked past this same woman at her stand and chatted about part of my cerebellum being missing and does she think the therapy she does would still work? How I feel that my belief and emotions have got more negative since a year or so after surgery.

Directly after my operation, I was sure my cerebellum would be able to re route all the damage - as after all the cerebellum has the most neurons in the brain, therefore giving it the most chance to reroute itself easily.

Now I just feel I have a chunk of brain missing, and a part of me went with it...

I struggle with things because of it, can't easily do the things that used to bring me joy.. and no one cares or will help me try and improve it.. I am stuck by myself.


She showed me a metaphysical meaning book "Metaphysical Anatomy" that was much more detailed that others I had read in the past and when I read the brain tumour personality description I could only agree with most of the words... this was me to a tee..  
I'm buying a copy ASAP!!
 
For some reason I started talking to her about the fact that after my surgery, I felt I could do something. I had a purpose in being able to help others go though a similar experience. So I wrote a book, blog posts, articles etc to help them, as I felt better than I ever did before... plus I could earn a few £s with it, so it would work both ways ...

...but nothing much is working. I don't get much of an income, only a handful of people a year say anything has helped. 

Much of the time I don't even know if it has helped anyone as I dont get any comments...so is it even worth it?? (I totally appreciate that when you are struggling with your own health and life, thanking others is way down the list of things to do!)

Then I mentioned what my neurosurgeon advised me about not doing any more work with brain charities etc and 'moving on with my life'... and well maybe the universe is telling me this too when I didn't even get the volunteer position?! That I need to do something else...but what???

...just what...?

My enjoyment of art, painting and drawing, is gone as I cannot see or coordinate to paint or even to do a dot-to-dot or colouring book as I once could...
Crochet is a struggle while feeling my hands are vibrating and doing the wrong thing...
How do I manage sewing, embroidery etc when I struggle to even thread a needle?..
My hands feel useless when I even put on my jewellery, let alone try to hold it to make any...

I know people can learn all sorts of new skills... but I am too scared to try again and I know I struggled to even sell things last time, when I could do them easier and better, it just seems pointless even trying now.

She said to me that maybe I will get a new path showing soon, just continue doing things that feel good. 

That, yes, my surgeon was right in that when you keep focusing on the worst thing that has happened to you - your body cant ever let go. You are reminding yourself daily. Subconsciously telling your brain negative messages again and again.

Exactly what I do daily...

I need new messages. 

I wandered away, looking round the rest of the holistic stalls, letting myself be drawn to whatever felt right. I had wandered round most of them, none feeling like it was anything that would be right for me, what I needed now.


Until I got to a stall by a company called Healing Forest where they had the most amazing smelling products made of Palo Santo and pendants made from this wood.

They all were lovely in their own way but  I was drawn to one engraved with a wolf paw - the sign next to it saying

'Guidance & Path Finder'. 

But the pendant shape was oblong and looked too a bit too masculine. I asked if they had it in other shapes and sure enough they had another one in an oval - perfect.  I ended up buying some essential oil & natural incense sticks from the wood too.  It was only after I realised the oil is used for anxiety, depression, headaches and emotional trauma... 

I am now trusting I get the guidance I need. 

When I got back home, I looked up the book on Amazon, and sure enough it has loads of great reviews. But also written by the author is another book "Finding Your Own Voice, Your past can control who you are, until you find your own voice" ... I might be looking at that book too! 

💖

                                                                 






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Depression, Anxiety and No Tribe

Sometimes when I really need something, it just kind of appears in my life. A few weeks ago someone mentioned the book 'Lost Connections' as an amazing read, so I added the book to my Amazon cart. A few days later I received a voucher, so I ordered the book for free.

I spent the next couple of days reading and understanding what he was saying in it... and thinking how life would be so much different if we had financial stability, a different society, a group of people to support us. A tribe.

A couple of weeks after I finished this book, I see this TED talk from the author Johann Hari. It simplifies much of what he said in his book within 20 minutes.

I wonder what it would have been like if someone was there to support me before, during and after my brain surgery? Would I have felt so scared and traumatised if I was able to talk to others about my concerns and them answering from experience?

This was the reason I wrote my book, 'It's All In My Head', and have continued to try and post articles on my Facebook page, keep writing this blog... in the hope that it would help others when they are facing a similar situation in the future.

Yet I know it hasn't reached anywhere near as many people as it could have. I don't have the connections, the support or the money...

And somewhere in this feeling I still can't be useful, the depression and anxiety are back.

I had a honeymoon period after my surgery where the anxiety and depression I have struggled with since a teen, seemed to have been taken out with the tumour... but they've crept back. It feels harder to cope with at times as I know it stopped and fully wonder if I did something for it to return. What did I forget? What changed in my belief system for it to return? What's causing me to be stressed?

Reading this book and watching the TED talk makes me think it's probably just as my life went back to 'normal'...

When you are ill, you are allowed to cry. To be sad, angry, or release whatever emotion you feel. As I wrote in my blog post on 19th December 2017:

 "A brain tumour made it understandable. Acceptable. OK. I was allowed to feel whatever emotion I needed. 

Justified."

People were there. (Although not Doctors or medical support... but that's a whole different story!) Yet I had more support than normal, a tribe where I felt wanted and worthwhile. People who wanted me to get better, and who listened to the frustrations of it all. Friends brought presents, sent messages or even just give you their time and visit.

"No one tried to talk me out of crying, tell me it was my fault... friends sent healing and support, offers of help,
my husband just held me." 

What happened since?

That support stopped.



People think its all over and I'm better now. I look well. I don't cry all day. (Well not in public!) My tumour is gone. No one really understands how frustrating the side effects are. Feeling trapped in what I can do to change things. Both from my tumour side effects, as well as my life in general.

People get back to their own lives, their own family, back to our society of making money so they can survive.

Society feels so broken in so many ways. 

After reading this book and talk, I wonder what it would be like if someone 'bought a cow' for me now? When I really need support to feel useful and connected.

Is it as Johann Hari says: 

"Depression is really just human beings with unmet needs"? 

A signal of something much more? 

I still have a way to go...

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Butterflies and Clouds

Last Monday I was still feeling stressed and upset, trying to decide what is best for me and how to move on. So at some point while I was walking round the park with dog I asked the universe out loud to send me some positive signs... Something with nature - so 'I know'.

Birds, butterflies etc, my thoughts that one of them might land on or sit next to me.

Just send something to soothe me that I wasn't in this alone 

and things would get better ... 

Then it poured with rain after so I never got outside for the rest of the day 💧⛈🌧. (English summers really are depressing on so many levels 😥)

But Tuesday was sunny, and I finally sat down in garden (after a trip back on bus from A&E with my daughter, Calla, who had twisted and sprained her ankle - thankfully not broken!) I was just lying on the swing chair ... Exhausted. Soaking in the, much needed, warmth from the sun. 🌞

And suddenly I saw this beautiful butterfly flying around me, then it stopped and rested on the skin of my leg before flying off again! 🦋 

Then as I continued to watch it fluttered back and sat on the fence right at the side of me, only a few feet from where I was laying. It sat perfectly still for about 5 mins, barely even moving it's wings. After this time I realised I needed to go and get my phone camera, and even though it took me a while to find the phone, the butterfly was still sitting there, yet as soon as I took a picture it flew away.

Now I know to some this is not an unusual occurrence, but we really don't get many different butterflies in our garden (just Small Whites, various brown Gatekeeper types or tiny winged butterflies) and we almost never see a Red Admiral. Maybe one or two a year, even if I have spent the summer basically living in the garden! In 19 years of living here, I have never had any butterfly actually land on me ...

Something told me: "It will be alright." 

Oh and just after I recalled that I had actually asked for this very thing to happen the day before 😊
I looked into the sky to see a cloud that looked as thought it was similar to hands making a love heart shape! (The cloud being the hands, the heart the space in between was blue sky)

I sat and just looked at it for a few seconds before I fully realised it was a cloud giving me a heart sign in the same way a person sends a heart sign...then laughed to myself saying:

 

"OK. I get the message." 

My attempt at taking a picture wasn't that great as I had sat smiling at it for too long before I thought "I need to keep this reminder" and so the clarity of the heart shaped cloud had very much started to disappear. But still the message was there for me ... that the universe has my back.💖

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Boundaries & Imperfections

In the midst of feeling stressed and struggling, I often find I am shown something simple, an everyday occurrence, and suddenly it makes sense of my emotions and gives me some kind of clarity on a situation.

This week I was walking my Collie round the local park on our daily walk. I had noticed that they had just painted the boundary line of the cricket pitch. (It's not used as a regular pitch, so often the boundary lines aren't there, and when they are they change them for whether it's an adult or child size pitch.) 

The pitch is also never normally circular as there is a building in the way leaving a short, curved boundary on one side.

However today the boundary line made me smile, it wasn't just curving or taking an area out of the normal circle. It was positively swerving around every obstacle and very crooked!

Here are the pictures, and my thoughts, from as I walked:

It reminded me that as imperfect and wobbly as I am, I just need to remember to let go of what I think is 'right', trust and enjoy the game.

xX💗Xx

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A poem of my ... 'Life'

For days, while I was feeling low, I kept seeing the numbers 111 on everything from raffle tickets to card points I had, as well as repeating numbers (such as 12.21) every time I looked at a digital clock, plus feathers right outside my door, as well as keeping seeing advertising for an angel event that was to be hosted on my birthday! 👼👼👼

It suddenly reminded me of what I had felt and seen just before and after my surgery... so I reconnected with that again. Getting messages that made perfect sense from using my Angel cards, and just listening to my fears whilst asking for support. (Walking the dog when alone is great for this!)

I wrote this poem after a few days of this self care, self love and reminding myself of what really helps me, and reconnecting - to help get over the few weeks of struggling.

I hope it helps others get through their bad times too?  💜

Life

When you survived what should have killed you

When you found that there was more

The universe kept you safe

When all your emotions were raw

It only gave what you could handle

Fate often held your hand

At the times you hit rock bottom

And you felt on your last strand

Angels came and comforted you

Reminding you “We’re all one”

Then showing you of their presence

That you were very far from done

So for a while you felt so powerful

Despite the months of pain

The knowledge had changed you

And you didn’t feel the same

But life still continues

People drag you back

Things to do, bills to pay

Remind you of your lack

So depression starts to hover

Anxiety to appear

You feel you’re sinking in a pit

And that the end is near

But inside something sparks you

Flicks on a light inside

Reminds you that ‘You’re strong’ again

You’re still here for the ride

So day by day you start again

Do things that you can lust

Look after yourself, hope and pray

And suddenly you start to trust

Remind yourself on what your learnt

Today's another day

That life can give you up’s and down’s

And your lessons on the way

The Angels have your back

Love has captured your heart

No matter what your fears are

Things only happen if you start… 

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Music, crackles and tuning in...

I recently found this quote I had written back in October 2009 appear in my Facebook memories:

"Was listening to my very crackly radio in the car today and decided that it's rather like life... you can either 'tune in' to the music and enjoy, or just focus the crackles and start to go insane. "  

I find it quite ironic when posts like this appear. This was written years ago, years before I ever knew anything about a brain tumour, when I know I didn't understand it as deeply as I do now, and yet it very much applies today.

I have had a tired week, I have had a wobbly and uncoordinated week. My neck and head has been  itchy, the muscles tight, sore and aching. Several times I have felt myself having to re-balance myself, and my vision, reminding myself that the symptoms are just a side effect from the tumour or surgery and everything is OK. To keep going. To get on with it and still take the dog to the park even though a big part of me wants to just sit down as it doesn't feel right.

A couple of these occasions were even as I was listening to music - watching my son and husband playing in their band at a rather loud gig - the bass felt it was going through every pore of my body and vibrating it, the guitar felt just slightly too high and loud for my head... part of me wanted to get away, move further away from the sound and lights.

I felt that if I focused on these feelings I would need to move away and go and sit somewhere quieter, which I have definitely done before. 

So instead I told myself I was fine, maybe just a little more tired and sensitive that I know I can be at times, but certainly not something I haven't dealt with over the last couple of years... and to 'get on with it'. Listen to the song.

Then somewhere in the 'tuning into' the music I lost the negative, the fears, the frustration and just felt the power of the music instead. Feeling a huge wave of love, strength and energy rise over me instead. The timeless rhythm that engulfs my soul.

Music always has been powerful to me, a way to express, a way to calm me, to cheer me up, as well as a great healer. It is even better when people that you love are playing it, you can feel their passion too. 💕

⇎⇎⇎

I had listened to an old album last week and there was a song on it I had not heard since I was a teen, suddenly in the middle of tidying the house (loud music always helps with this chore!) I just started sobbing, massive tears running down my face. At first I thought I was a little mad, then realised this song was reminding me of something I had hidden, something I couldn't face many a year ago, and so I just listened to it a few times until all the memories had risen and been released. Along with the hurt, the pain and the anger I didn't know I still had inside. Until the tears stopped... and the emotions went with them.

Until the song just made me smile.


Every time I feel this magic from music, where my hairs lift up and I feel shivers down my spine. I think of playing Muse on my iPod the day after my surgery... I had been terrified, was still terrified, my meditation CDs were no longer working ... yet a few songs into their 'Live in Rome' album and I was tapping my foot to the beat. Calm. Tuned in. Just as I had been only a few weeks earlier, listening to a whole stadium singing along to their songs. Feeling the connection. Not just with the band or the song, but with the planet. The knowledge it's all OK.

So this is my challenge for a while... any time I feel negative emotions, I am putting some music on and tuning in. 

Even if there are some crackles.

Scanxiety

I have just had a load of tests due to the fact I have been getting lots of palpitations recently. The GP asked if I was under stress- as it is known to trigger them- and yes I guess several things are stressful to me right now.

Then a little while later I was explaining to someone when they started and I realised they began shortly after the time I thought my follow up MRI scan was due last November. I have been getting gradually more stressed since then while trying to ignore it and tell myself all is OK.

I had been told after my surgery that I would be getting follow up scans at 6 months (which I did in November 2016), then one after a year, and then 2 yearly after that. 

If I have several of these stable scans they then may stop them. So in my head I thought I would be getting a scan in November 2017- a year after the previous one.

But I didn’t. 

In December I emailed my neurosurgeon, and he said the genetics team would be doing my follow up (due to hemangioblastoma’s being linked to the genetic disease VHL -Von Hippel–Lindau). 

In January I emailed the genetics team. No reply. 

In February I emailed another person who is in the genetics team (and had previously contacted me about them testing the tumour tissue for the VHL gene), and she called me back saying there was an issue with deciding who should do the follow up MRI, but whatever they were now meeting to sort the problem out and a scan would now be booked!

So I now have a scan date of 4th April. (Which will be 6 weeks short of 2 years after surgery.)

Most of me is OK. If I am calm and relaxed and listening to my body I am sure the tumour is gone. Logic also says that I was told by the surgeon that he removed all of it successfully and there was nothing showing on the 6 month scan, so it is unlikely to grow back. Apparently they can regrow about 20% of the time, but normally only if they were not able to be fully removed or you have VHL- but neither apply.

Yet tests now seem terrifying! 


I was constantly reassured once before that I was OK, ‘I just had dizziness and that’s nothing to worry about,’ and everyone all but implied that my symptoms were due to anxiety! But I knew something big was up. 

I even had agreed to the gadolinium dye with the private MRI as I knew I needed them to find the problem and so felt I probably had to have it. (I hope that the gadolinium helped them realise the tumour was a hemangioblastoma from the start?) Agreeing to be injected with a toxic heavy metal is rather unlike me…but I think I knew I was dying as I was… (see my info on Gadolinium in this post)

But despite the reassurances, the worst still happened. 

The thought of that day when my world went a little numb and I just saw this huge white lump in my brain on the computer screen still makes me rather emotional. 

There WAS something wrong and I knew it, but ‘oh fuck it’s a brain tumour’. 

I still have tears of relief that its now over.

Part of me thought I was having a scan last November, and since then gradually the ‘what if’ thoughts have been building up. Causing me extra stress and palpitations with it. Part of me has felt like it is on ‘pause’, not daring to think about it, trying not to worry and yet failing. 

Every wobble of bad balance, every wrong word said and every head pain starts to make me worry its coming back, and it isn’t just the after effects of brain surgery. 

If I get ringing in my ears, even if just for a few seconds and nowhere near as loud, I start to feel physically sick inside.

If it happened once than why can’t it happen again? I finally feel I am getting my strength and even ‘me’ back from after surgery- I don’t want it taken again. Even though I know my attitude and beliefs have changed and I am doing things to actively look after my health. It feels like I am still healing from my brain surgery now, and its 22 months later! I still feel massive improvements every month or so in many different areas.

I also feel that now I have acknowledged what my fear is, I can address it. Release it rather than keeping it bottled up inside affecting me until I listen… and at the moment the palpitations have reduced!

So today I get one of my angel card packs (image below) and choose one card ‘Ground Yourself’. It feels totally accurate, as if I am relaxed and fully in my body I am OK about it all. It’s only when I go into my head and start to imagine and worry that the fears materialise. 
The card says: 

“this card is a signal that your energy and attention need to be grounded.”

Plus a card almost falls out of the deck as I am shuffling ‘Law of Attraction’. 
Which says:

“You have the power to choose your thoughts and align them with love, peace and harmony”

and then another:

“Think about your desires and avoid worrying or complaining”

Ummm… that spoke the truth then! So that’s it. I am now looking forwards to a perfect scan where my surgeon says the area has healed amazingly.

💕