Sanity Amongst Madness

This it what has kept me going the past few months...

 

 

Nature

in my garden!

 

 

Watching Bee's...

 

...and the spiders eating them.

Appreciating the flowers...

and the sparrow's, and occasionally other birds, on our bird-feeder.

        

 

For a garden that, for decades, never had more than a passing pigeon or robin until only a few years ago; finding about 25 sparrows around the bird feeders is amazing. 

When the world outside our house has never been so insane,

 it's been calming to just sit and watch.

 

From the various bees, wasps, butterflies, dragonflies, damselflies, moths, grasshoppers & spiders to the fluffy fledglings being guided when it was safe to land (normally when our dog wasn't in the garden) and now seeing SO many more birds than ever before. Some even trusting me enough to continue feeding even when I am only a few metres away, one hungry pigeon still feeding whilst my son tipped the bird feeder towards him as he couldn't quite reach! 

Anyway... even while this year has been awful in SO many ways, masks everywhere being the final straw, this summer has been lovely in both weather (no planes!) and nature. 🌞

 

It has been my sanity amongst madness. 💜

© Pictures all copyrighted to Jo Barlow

.

Masks & Hidden Disability

Masks scare me, yet it seems many in shops are wearing them, some even when walking outside or driving alone in their car... 🙄 

It annoys me for many a reason as I have explained here. 

But it also stresses me massively. I have barely been to the shops since Corona started (and almost every time was a disaster) and not at all until today since masks are supposed to be worn in shops.

I had decided to get a Hidden Disability card several weeks back, after one of my shopping trips that ended in tears. Realising they also had exemption cards to masks, I got one of those as well while there. Once the masks guidelines came into force I was glad I had it, but didn't want to go out and get abuse from people or shop staff as I have seen has happened to others, so I still hadn't gone anywhere... 

I cannot explain when I'm stressed at the best of times and it invariably ends in what looks like me having a good angry swear up, when in fact I am just unable to cope and my brain seems to have forgotten how to say anything other than swearing. 😬😓

Today I wanted to get a card - my son and his girlfriend got engaged 💕 - and I had been stressing as to where to go that would be most likely to accept I am not wearing a mask. I felt so awful that I decided to wait until my husband got home and go with him as I couldn't do it alone... 

Then in the middle of trying to make pancakes for breakfast, my youngest son discovered we'd run out of milk. I was the only person here who could drive and I realised I am going to have to go to the shop... and now!

As I got in the car, I was trying to work out what was stressing me. I know I am exempt from wearing them for many reasons (severe distress being the main one - I cannot even cover my mouth and nose at the same time with a blanket, but I knew it was triggering some kind of PTSD from my brain surgery too 🤔) and while I know my ability to speak easily shuts down when I am stressed I knew all I needed to say is 'I am exempt' and if I needed show my exemption card, and legally they cannot do anything ... so what else was it that was stressing me? (rather than just making me angry as I don't agree with them at all)

Then suddenly I just had a feeling that I wasn't driving the car to the shop, but walking down the corridor in hospital to theatre. To be met by doctors and nurses IN MASKS. Not knowing what would happen next ...😨😰

I still managed to drive to the shop OK, even though my body was pounding loudly, and managed to walk in and even choose a card whilst still being able to think. (I know when I have hit this limit and it feels my 'brain has overloaded' and I need to rest while it reboots!) Thankfully I went to the local shop where my husband has spoken to the owner about not wearing masks and he didn't say a word about it and even called me 'my dear' or something else deemed polite. 

I was still shaking though, and I couldn't look at him as he had a more surgical looking mask on. I cannot look at them without fear... and now I understood why.

I drove home with milk and a card. 😊 Sat down for a minute then decided I needed to take the dog for a walk to burn off the excess adrenaline. I then went in the gym and although was particularly useless (as stressed) it felt I had calmed my nervous system down a bit. 

After, I then sat on my normal tree seat at the park and wondered...

 

Will this whole farce of masks would actually help people with hidden disabilities be seen in future? 

 

Has it forced those of us with anxiety or PTSD to let others know? 

 

Will people realise that someone can have a hidden health issue while looking healthy and 'normal' on the outside? 

 

 Maybe, just maybe, people will try and understand? 

 

 

I don't want to wear a badge round my neck labeling me like a lesser classed citizen - I reminds me of the Yellow Badge labeling Jews (I hate the lanyards schools, offices etc wear too!) but I am happy to have the lanyard on my bag or show it when I need to as a compromise. Or have my wrist band on as its more discreet.

You can also download or print a (rather hidden!) exemption card on the government website here.

And just in case you haven't been told - these are the legal exemptions for most Hidden Disabilities... 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

Corona Insanity

These last few months have been tough, beyond brain tumour tough. More like having a repeating nightmare where you every so often think you are awake but the nightmare is still going... But its reality. 

Trapped at home, even going to the post office meaning you have to queue outside for ages (with no seat), everyone else in my family having their income stopped or reduced and stuck at home, unable even to use the outside gym as it was supposedly unsafe... 

 

While I felt my body physically and mentally deteriorating in part because of this one padlocked gate. My fatigue, anxiety and depression all raising their rather ugly heads again...  😭

I am possibly going to be contraversial to some, and yet I know many others will agree, but I am totally fed up with the people following the insane 'guidelines' without questioning.

You are helping destroy humanity as we know it.

Do you want a New World Order where you need a Covid vaccine certificate to travel abroad or even get medical treatment?  Or not able to access government funding, schooling or support unless you comply? (as already happens in China with social credits.) A barely tested DNA altering fast tracked vaccine where the manufacturers have no responsibility if it kills or maims and you cannot even get compensation from the government  (as you do other vaccines) as its a pandemic 🤔🤐 (don't believe me- its all here www.gov.uk/vaccine-damage-payment/eligibility)

Don't you realise the excess deaths have stopped?  The 'covid flu' killed many of the vulnerable earlier in the year... Not helped by the information that I have seen that care homes and hospitals gave DNR (do not resuscitate) forms to their patients, were told to not treat elderly patients who they suspected were ill with it and many were even sent back from hospitals while ill, only to infect the rest of the care home population 🤬 (I have even heard several stories that they even withheld their normal medication - and we wonder why they died? 🤬😭). 

I won't even go on about how inhumane and unkind it is to ban the elderly from seeing their family, nor how many deaths this alone would cause. I cried reading the story of a local woman unable to see her unable to speak, severely disabled adult daughter ... for weeks! When she was 'allowed' to see her, she had to socially distance herself, even with her and her daughter crying. 🤬 

Would you want to go on, stuck in a room without being able to see those you love? There is a reason married people or those with a good friend network live longer - it's as we are social beings.

 

 

And please look again on the info on masks...

Masks have been used as a sign of slavery for centuries...yet one rather hyped up 'virus' and people are voluntarily wearing them. In my eyes wearing them is nothing more that accepting you want to be controlled. 

 

That is what the dark elite also think too... You are their slave.

 

STOP.

 

PLEASE.

 

Stop wearing them if you or your children don't want to live in a fascist dictatorship.

Plus you cannot spread an illness you don't have, and many medical publications say masks don't work anyway. 

 

 

If you don't believe me that Government's etc will actually lie about viruses you NEED to read this book. Fear of the Invisible  

 

 

 

We need people to stand up and say NO to these 'guidelines'. They cannot do anything if we all refuse. Shops won't continue with the 'rules' if they no longer have people shopping there unless they are muzzle free and able to walk in the direction they want! 🤔 

 

Even if they say they will fine people (how can they if you refuse to give your details) do you really think the police or courts will be able to cope with millions of these cases?

And ... can you honestly tell me that this virus will kill more than stopping all but 100% emergency treatment? 

 

 

I have heard of others having even their cancer treatment stopped, routine scans and follow up are gone. (unless you ask as I did here!) 

 

As I saw when I was in the hospital even a neurosurgery ward was shut! They are normally struggling for bed spaces for those that are having surgery - yet I don't think many neurosurgery operations are cosmetic or routine, so this will undoubtedly destroy lives?! 🤬  

 

No other clinics or patients were there, it was a ghost town. Even urgent brain tumour patients only getting inferior consultations over the phone.  😔  

 

Yet, while we were there, even the nurses or porters (unless near a patient) weren't wearing masks or gloves, even when close to each other 🤔 Why would this be if  they were seriously concerned? No wonder they silenced the NHS from talking about it?!

How many lives will even just stopping our healthcare system like this for months cost? Now even accounting that the suicide rate has gone up many times 😭 (& often young healthy people), or how the economy crashing will effect whole families - possibly for decades... You can bet it will be FAR more than corona ever will or would have killed - even with no lockdown or social distancing. 🤐

So, PLEASE, if you haven't already, take a look at other sources of Doctor's, Immunologists and Epidemiologists who are saying there is another side to this story than what we are being told in main stream media. 🤔 These are just some I have seen...

Evidence Not Fear  An Evidence Based Guide including info from many Dr's and medical publications.

Zach Bush MD

Dr Judy A Mikovits

 

Dr Andrew Kaufman MD

 

Dolores Cahill PhD 

Vaxxter.com (primarily alternative info from Dr's about vaccines but also has a lot of info about corona)

Dr Vernon Coleman (whose calming videos have kept me sane)

UK column also has many artciles as well as radio shows to listen to.

J.B Handley blog has many referenced sources

and look up Knut Wittkowski - his YouTube videos have been removed... when censorship happens I personally always feel they are speaking some truth that hurts (after all pedophilia is still online and they don't seem to be able to stop that 🤔🤬) One of his articles is about how Covid would be over by now without lockdown. 

 

 

 

.

Balance after Cerebellar Surgery

When I left my neurosurgeons office after my 12 month scan and follow up, I was told I was ‘back to normal’. Now I fully understood and was enormously grateful that I was classed as ‘normal’ by the hospital, my tumour was gone, I was not needing any further treatment, I didn’t even need to take any medication. Yet I certainly was not back to the same position I was prior to my surgery. Well prior to the time my symptoms of feeling ‘drunk’ and wobbly started!

Many a time since then I have had to pull myself together to go for a walk with the dog as I was having a wobbly day and felt I was somehow buzzing inside, been extra careful not to drop cups, glasses or knives when in the kitchen, carrying an item with a very conscious thought about doing so, felt anxiety as my balance was not right when shopping and I felt a bit 'spaced', had to actively think and control how I was walking over steps, wires, uneven ground or even work out how to manoeuvre round people who were ‘in my way’. Sometimes just using a public toilet felt like a challenge as to if anyone would notice anything or dealing with the horrid feeling of being dizzy and wobbly simply from walking in a zig-zagging queue at a resort or the train station.

Yet I had no choice but to get on with it, never really knowing if it was a mental fear causing the physical issue or the physical issue causing my mental anxiety, or a nice combination of both! 😬

Yet part of me still struggled with the feeling that no one 

really believed me. 

‘My tumour was out, I should be better by now and back to normal’. 

It was certainly an invisible issue. 

Often I don't think even my family knew anything...

Frequently the balance issues were combined with the fear the feeling would go on forever. Then if I had a few good days, even weeks, when it returned I worried what was going on? Was this again the sign that my tumour could be returning?!

If having a chunk of brain missing caused this, then why does no one seem to really care, or even mention I might still struggle?

I guess I accepted it rather frustratedly. (My husband would probably say I whined through it!!😂)  I knew it was ‘my new normal’, and knew doing anything even the smallest bit stressful made it worse. – I knew that, but some days it was very much tougher to accept than others.

Balance, coordination and feeling dizzy (or wobbly) has been one of the main issues on my Hemangioblastoma Facebook group, not surprisingly since the majority of us have had a tumour on their cerebellum! Yet much of the time others say they are much better since before surgery, the symptoms are mild, infrequent, worse with stress and they have also accepted their ‘new normal’.

But a couple of weeks ago, someone posted they were still having coordination problems while walking and feel dizzy nearly 2 years after surgery, and asked “Is this normal?”

These were the replies from others who also had a cerebellar Hemangioblastoma and subsequent surgery:

"Coming up a year since op for me, wore boots with a small heel on Saturday and that threw my gyro off a wee bit. 😁"

"I am 1-year post surgery this week and I still get very dizzy especially after looking up or bending down."

"Yes, I have too. I find that I have to think about and plan my walking. It is tiresome, but you just have to try to adjust to the 'normal' that is today. I walk on the beach and uneven terrain a lot in order to 'relearn' - not easy."

"I occasionally have balance issues. Not all of the time. My wife says that I always lean to the left. 3 years post-surgery."

"I'm with you. And it is disturbing. I have been fortunate to now see a Neurologist and neuro physio. Not miracle workers but they do understand and give appropriate exercises to me. Some days worse than others".

"It's a very hidden disability."

And even after many years, others still struggle at times:

"I also have coordination issues (I'm almost 12 years post-surgery.) Like others I have gotten better at learning what makes it better or worse. For the first 2-3 years I would be more prone to get dizzy when walking in supermarkets or in crowds with all the movement in my peripheral (not sure if that makes sense but that is the best I can describe it.) That has gotten much better over the years and now only seems to be worse when I am dehydrated, or things are moving really fast past me - so things like amusement park rides are completely out of the question.  I also get dizzy if I am laying on my back and looking straight up or move my head too quickly from side to side. I also have had to change to a small heel but mostly stick to flats just because I feel more stable in them. I also have noticed that my brain gets tired a lot more quickly than it used to, so the more work it has to do the more tired I get and the more off balance I feel. This Zoom fatigue is a real deal for me! All and all I have been very luck and blessed to have recovered as well as I have but still have my days that I struggle with the new normal."

"I had occasional problems for 14 years after my surgery. My cerebellum had been squeezed by the tumour and didn't fully return to its original shape. I could correct most missteps without anyone noticing but when I walk with someone for a distance, I probably bump into them once or twice."

"I had my surgery 15 years ago and, in that time, I got probably 97% of my balance back. It should keep getting better but I'm not sure how much is better balance and how much is my adapting to my imperfect balance. Biggest problems: If I walk with someone for more than about 200 feet, I will probably bump into them at least once. If I'm in the shower, turning my head with my eyes closed is disorienting and I've learned to touch one of the walls when I do that. Uneven surfaces can be difficult, especially if they are uneven due to snow or ice."

"I've not had any scans since the initial one post-surgery, but similarly can have the odd 'mis-step' (21 years on). My brain was also very squeezed due to the cyst, and I tend to just put these things down to 'being me'. 
I don't think there is a 'normal', just a new normal for you.

There are balance exercises that may help, as might walking with a stick. I know it can certainly give confidence.

I can still get dizzy if I have to move my head from side to side fast, or look up, and get a head over heels sensation if I lie straight back. So I'm just careful / know to avoid doing these things. After all this time, I tend to forget what's happened (re tumour) and have just adjusted my ways accordingly.

2 years is still pretty early on. I know you've done a lot if walking, so you're doing the right things. Time will help, both with healing and with the way you do things / coping strategies, which just become 'normal'.🙂"

My own reply was: 

“My walking is OK. Unless I need to move out the way of something or someone. Then I am likely to wobble into them! 😬

Dizziness varies, some days I don’t notice it, days like today I feel I am having to control myself with every single thing I do. Make a conscious effort to walk straight and not trip, I find walking backwards and forwards such as in these insane lockdown queues makes me feel awful, plus the anger of having to be controlled like sheep angers me immensely 🤨 I've certainly had a few days this week of thinking will this go on forever? 😢

The frequency of struggling has definitely reduced over time, but getting stressed or doing too much makes it worse again. I’m honestly not sure if it’s at a better level or not when it does return...?

I think it probably seems worse when I have been feeling better to struggle again, as my patience is less and I am more sensitive to feeling 'off' from past experience and not knowing the cause of its return😕

I understand that you are frustrated not knowing if it will get better, but I don’t think the neuro team can ever tell you... it’s so variable on so much.

I think the more we challenge it (by walking on rough ground, or by turning head as we walk) it can reconnect the brains neurons - which help. I had to do this most times I walked for months, even years, after surgery, to get my balance back so that my brain didn’t react wrongly each time I moved.

Plus, we need to find our limits. My symptoms are FAR worse when stressed, tired or I feel pressured or need to do something else that I find tough.

Also, if someone listens to me it helps me in that they know I am struggling and just that in itself often seems to reduce any issues, knowing I won’t be judged. The more I focus on the negative and get worried about it, the more it seems to multiply...

I have definitely had to change some things I used to enjoy though, art and crafts being the main one - I just don’t have the coordination in my hands now. 😢"

⇹⇹⇹

This week I challenged my balance by walking on the beach, yet feeling rather freed in the fact that walking on piles of stones isn't easy for anyone and enjoying the letting go in accepting the wobbling.

I have the gratitude and reassurance that my 4 year scan didn't show any issues. (apart from the known missing bits! 😬😄)

And from these comments from others, I've certainly been comforted that my "new normal" is indeed "normal" for when your cerebellum has had a tumour removed and been damaged.🎔

It may also help you to read my previous post 

10 Things My Doctor Didn’t Tell Me about the After Effects of Extracting a Benign Cerebellar Brain Tumour

 

 

 

.

Scan Results...

 

 

"MRI scan looks excellent with no evidence of any residual tumour"

💗🙏💗🙏💗🙏💗🙏💗

"I am extremely confident, therefore, that your tumour is exceptionally unlikely to recur, 

however as per the genetics clinic advice I will arrange for you to have a follow up scan in five years time."

 

 

No words, but I'm sitting here laughing and crying at once!  

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

Scanxiety and Medical Cannabis

After the horrendous experience during and after my last MRI scan I'd decided for the last couple of weeks to take some cannabis tea. Using lots of the ground leaves so it should have more CBD in it as well as THC. The CBD oil I had bought and had been using for several months was now only giving me very limited benefits.

My logic being it might help calm me and also help treat the neurological issues I still have. It seemed to be working as a few teaspoons of tea a day just lowered my stress levels, and the shaking inside seemed to stop.

But on Thursday, I came downstairs to see letters written by the NHS on the table. I saw the logo and felt totally sick to the stomach. Even though a few seconds later I realised they were routine letters for other things and two were not even addressed to me, the internal stress didn't go with this knowledge and I still felt really anxious a couple of hours later...

So I decided to make some more weed tea and once it was done took a mouthful, as I had done with the last batch. I few hours later I took another gulp and after hour or so another...

I felt calmer, very slightly wobbly, but nothing worse than I have for the last 4 years, I was even going to post a comment saying:

 "So basically my brain has felt like it's been high

for the last few years,🤔

Maybe I should accept this feeling more? 😂" 

I felt fine and made dinner ... Although felt slightly more wobbly as I was finishing my meal. Thought I'd have some ice cream and ate a bit, then tried to look at my phone and forgot what I was doing as I was doing it. 

Then my head spun.
The full going in circles like being on a fairground ride... 
The memory of waking up after brain surgery and then first trying to sit up... Everything blurry...
The trying to eat when my world was spinning... 
The thinking I would pass out... 
Not knowing if it was panic or a brain response, but that fear was not helping one bit... 
The violent, feel sick to your stomach, nausea.

I all but ran up to bed crying and shaking. Nothing would stop the revolving vision. Me feeling totally unsure if it was having too much tea or what...

I'd not had that much more than previously, although it was another, maybe stronger, brew and still warm. I was not able to remember how much I'd had, I couldn't quantify a mouthful to know if it was too much or not?

My thoughts still not sure if it was the tea, a panic attack or my brain was fucking up again...

I knew I'd had a vestibular neuritis episode a few weeks after my last MRI. Maybe that was the link?

Anyway, I won't bore you with the next few hours nightmare thoughts, but fair to say I relived every single fear, trauma or sensation I had before, during and after my brain surgery. 😱 Each memory seemed like it was coming up to remind me I'd felt it, maybe not fully faced it, and that somehow it still traumatised me. That I'd not processed these fears yet and never really discussed them out loud.

I had visions of walking to the toilet in hospital ...
when I couldn't see anything as my world was spinning so much ...
crying alone in hospital as I felt so terrified and tired ...
reminders of blurry, spinning vision ... 

and the ultimate terror of feeling I was drifting off while laying in theatre as I was given anesthetic for my surgery - Not knowing if I would actually wake up again nor be able to walk or talk OK if I did ...

I had horrendously strong memory of every fucking traumatic experience while feeling dizzy before and after my brain surgery, as well as every severe panic attack that I'd ever had where I'd felt out of control and dizzy.

All in one evening. 😰

It took over 2 hours for the violent spinning and feeling I would pass out to go. 2 hours that felt like days... Weeks... Months...Years. All compounded into one.

Yet part of me also felt totally stupid, I'd been sipping tea for a couple of weeks, why suddenly did I feel this horrid? Why did I drink an extra mouthful so close to the others? The one evening Dave wanted to go out...

I don't drink - I stopped when I was 18! I know I don't like the feeling. I am sensitive to almost every medical drug I've tried. If I have too much dark chocolate I get shakes from the caffeine, don't drink even a normal tea and certainly not coffee, sugar gives me a jittery rush, gluten or milk = belly pain and feeling slightly poisoned. I can taste a drop of alcohol in a glass of water... (Yes my kids tried it!)  I am all but in a coma from taking one antihistamine, I am a zombie on co-codamol, the Heparin injection I could feel for hours, I can't even have more than one paracetamol without nausea and Ibuprofen is worse- hence why I stopped pain killers 2 days after brain surgery!  I get like I am drunk just when I'm tired ... 🙈 What the hell was I thinking? 😬


I'd taken months to even take a sip of the tea as I was terrified of feeling wobbly again. I had only taken it before bed for a while, just to be sure I wouldn't feel it. Then one tablespoon only by day. Why the fuck did I sip it? I know I can't cope with feeling drugged! Since I was a kid if doctor's wanted to give me painkillers I refused as I'd rather have pain than this feeling...

Then I started panicking again that it wasn't the tea, but more brain episodes I can't cope with... only the fact that I couldn't stop drinking water reminding me that it probably wasn't that!😅

Eventually after midnight I felt calm and safe enough to go to sleep and not feel it would be the last thing I did. 😬

I woke about 9am Friday, still feeling shaky inside, still feeling slightly wobbly when I got up.

But mostly just like I'd had a battle with my nightmares and every bit of negativity my body knew and held on to.

I managed to get some porridge that was made for me, then just watched more TV and tried to stop myself getting stressed again. I knew I just needed to sleep more, brain surgery was a great teacher in knowing when my brain couldn't cope any more. Eventually I fell asleep and woke about 2 1/2 hours later. Feeling a bit better...

Yet wondering how anyone could have so much stress inside them and still function?!

I'm now too scared to drink anymore tea, feel an idiot, and like I have been reminded of all the darkness and fears... Anxiety, frustration and anger back to after surgery levels 😩

The only positive is that I know when you keep getting reminded of hell, you appreciate the light again better...🌞

 I then saw this picture show in my news feed the following day!

I'm not ashamed about using a plant that has been proven to heal many, many people of all sorts of issues. I have heard of several people controlling or even healing their brain tumours from taking it... Especially as it is known to be very good for all sorts of neurological problems as well as anxiety.

I am purely wanting to take a natural plant to IMPROVE my health, rather than relying on toxic pharmaceutical drugs that almost certainly damage it. 😕

I am far less ashamed than I would be if I chose to get drunk, and yet for some reason that is a totally acceptable thing to do. 🤔

I might just not take as much next time! 😁





.

Scan & Mask Stress

I managed to get my 'cancelled due to corona' MRI re-booked by writing a letter to my neurosurgeon saying I believed I already had corona and that I really wanted my scan still, as waiting was causing me stress. Not knowing if the after effects could possibly be returning symptoms or not. Anyway a week or so after asking I got called saying they had a cancellation and would I like to go next week.

So I've had a week of extra scanxiety. 😬

The scan was on Wednesday 3rd, and when we get to St George's the hospital was half empty, no outpatients, nothing. Loads of beds double stacked empty in corridors, we were lucky to cross with one or two people in each corridor and over 3/4 were staff  - considering they only had one entrance open at the moment this is insane! Normally it's as busy as walking up a small high street - and that's when all the entrances that are open, not just this main one.

When we got to the neurology scanning area (after walking past the lift outside that theatre where Dave had to wait for over 6 hours... 😶)  there was no one there, just a bag on a chair to show a staff member must be around somewhere.

I looked to check I was in the right place and among my name could see there were 5 other people on the booking in sheet. (Normally it's 2+ pages)

Signs were up on every other chair in the waiting area, saying you could not sit next to another person. Good job there were two near each other that both weren't out of bounds, or I would have ignored the sign or sat on Dave's lap!

Eventually someone walked over, I assume a radiographer, telling me to fill in a form and here was a mask. That I had to wear a mask in the scan! I told her I didn't want to as it would give me a panic attack, and that I've already had corona.  She huffily said it wasn't for my benefit it was for hospital staff safety 🤔 

Cue extreme stress and a rather illegible form as I already couldn't think straight!

I took a mask and promptly ripped the inner, more plastic, layer open so if I had to wear it I could breathe better, but refused to put it on. I was seriously thinking about walking out as I didn't want to wear it, I was freaking at the thought. 😔

Another radiographer arrived and discussed with the stroppy woman which of them was doing this next scan, something was said quietly and thankfully this other woman said she would do it and took me down. 🙏🏻

The Corona rules there are stupid (as they all are!) I HAD to get changed as they wouldn't let me in the scanner wearing my clothes. (Like my clothes would be more infected than my breathing, if I had Corona?!)

Yet I had to put my clothes in a (un-sanitised) locker and not just wear a gown over to cover them 🤔 (I had short leggings and t-shirt with no metal, so I knew I could wear them normally in scan) I had to keep my socks on and wear shoes walking in the scanner room 🤔

The radiographer thankfully accepted I wouldn't be having gadolinium without too much of an issue - I said my neurosurgeon agreed it wasn't necessary. She did go and check and came back saying that was fine.🙏🏻

They took my CD to play in scan, maybe they cleaned it & I didn't see, but insane if they didn't with the rest of the rules.

Thankfully no one mentioned the mask

(By the way, the staff have full masks and visors. Well some did, those near patients. Most staff walking up corridors, porters etc had nothing.)

But by the time I got in scanner I was stressed and panicking, it wasn't the machine or the scan as such, just this compounded fear or all the masks and rules which were not making sense. I felt I was stuck in some alternate reality where everyone is insane and I am the only one seeing past it...

I was in there and despite listening to the relaxation music, had to try to calm myself trying to do multiplication 🙄, wriggling my toes in order - anything to distract my brain! And after feeling for much of it I was constantly on the verge of pressing the buzzer to stop, I almost relaxed near the end.

I knew I needed to get this scan for my sanity.

But was in such a tizzy after I even ended up accidentally pulling emergency cord while getting changed! 🙄

When she gave my CD back, I asked the radiographer why I didn't have to wear the mask and she said they had already had another patient not able to wear one earlier and she was OK with the 'risk', she also said not wanting to be stuck in scanner with a mask is understandable and a very valid reason. 💜

I was so stressed with the whole experience, far more than the actual MRI (although not knowing if it's OK or not is a stress in itself) that had a huge panic attack that evening once I got home. 😞

I didn't hear or see anything to suggest anywhere in hospital was busy . Didn't even hear or see an ambulance, which is very strange! Normally it's an all but constant noise.

Dave had walked down to cafe while he was waiting for me and said he was the only person in there.

I hate to think what it will be like once they start having routine appointments again. 🤐

Also I realised that the masks are almost giving me some kind of PTSD. I knew I didn't like them (and don't agree with them for lots of health reasons) but this hospital trip was a very unnerving experience...  the fear is just magnified 1000x as everyone is acting like everyone else is a potential killer. You can't even see if the staff are smiling at you, or get a human connection... The lack of humanity got to me 😢

And hearing they now want masks on public transport and staff are wearing them in shops is affecting me. Too much like surgery ... Too inhumane 😬

So now I wait... feeling rather stressed and trapped in a mad world.






.