Saturday, 20 June 2020

Scanxiety and Medical Cannabis

After the horrendous experience during and after my last MRI scan I'd decided for the last couple of weeks to take some cannabis tea. Using lots of the ground leaves so it should have more CBD in it as well as THC. The CBD oil I had bought and had been using for several months was now only giving me very limited benefits.

My logic being it might help calm me and also help treat the neurological issues I still have. It seemed to be working as a few teaspoons of tea a day just lowered my stress levels, and the shaking inside seemed to stop.

But on Thursday, I came downstairs to see letters written by the NHS on the table. I saw the logo and felt totally sick to the stomach. Even though a few seconds later I realised they were routine letters for other things and two were not even addressed to me, the internal stress didn't go with this knowledge and I still felt really anxious a couple of hours later...

So I decided to make some more weed tea and once it was done took a mouthful, as I had done with the last batch. I few hours later I took another gulp and after hour or so another...

I felt calmer, very slightly wobbly, but nothing worse than I have for the last 4 years, I was even going to post a comment saying:
 "So basically my brain has felt like it's been high
for the last few years,🤔
Maybe I should accept this feeling more? 😂

I felt fine and made dinner ... Although felt slightly more wobbly as I was finishing my meal. Thought I'd have some ice cream and ate a bit, then tried to look at my phone and forgot what I was doing as I was doing it. 

Then my head spun.
The full going in circles like being on a fairground ride... 
The memory of waking up after brain surgery and then first trying to sit up... Everything blurry...
The trying to eat when my world was spinning... 
The thinking I would pass out... 
Not knowing if it was panic or a brain response, but that fear was not helping one bit... 
The violent, feel sick to your stomach, nausea.

I all but ran up to bed crying and shaking. Nothing would stop the revolving vision. Me feeling totally unsure if it was having too much tea or what...

I'd not had that much more than previously, although it was another, maybe stronger, brew and still warm. I was not able to remember how much I'd had, I couldn't quantify a mouthful to know if it was too much or not?

My thoughts still not sure if it was the tea, a panic attack or my brain was fucking up again...

I knew I'd had a vestibular neuritis episode a few weeks after my last MRI. Maybe that was the link?



Anyway, I won't bore you with the next few hours nightmare thoughts, but fair to say I relived every single fear, trauma or sensation I had before, during and after my brain surgery. 😱 Each memory seemed like it was coming up to remind me I'd felt it, maybe not fully faced it, and that somehow it still traumatised me. That I'd not processed these fears yet and never really discussed them out loud.

I had visions of walking to the toilet in hospital ...
when I couldn't see anything as my world was spinning so much ...
crying alone in hospital as I felt so terrified and tired ...
reminders of blurry, spinning vision ... 

and the ultimate terror of feeling I was drifting off while laying in theatre as I was given anesthetic for my surgery - Not knowing if I would actually wake up again nor be able to walk or talk OK if I did ...

I had horrendously strong memory of every fucking traumatic experience while feeling dizzy before and after my brain surgery, as well as every severe panic attack that I'd ever had where I'd felt out of control and dizzy.

All in one evening. 😰


It took over 2 hours for the violent spinning and feeling I would pass out to go. 2 hours that felt like days... Weeks... Months...Years. All compounded into one.

Yet part of me also felt totally stupid, I'd been sipping tea for a couple of weeks, why suddenly did I feel this horrid? Why did I drink an extra mouthful so close to the others? The one evening Dave wanted to go out...

I don't drink - I stopped when I was 18! I know I don't like the feeling. I am sensitive to almost every medical drug I've tried. If I have too much dark chocolate I get shakes from the caffeine, don't drink even a normal tea and certainly not coffee, sugar gives me a jittery rush, gluten or milk = belly pain and feeling slightly poisoned. I can taste a drop of alcohol in a glass of water... (Yes my kids tried it!)  I am all but in a coma from taking one antihistamine, I am a zombie on co-codamol, the Heparin injection I could feel for hours, I can't even have more than one paracetamol without nausea and Ibuprofen is worse- hence why I stopped pain killers 2 days after brain surgery!  I get like I am drunk just when I'm tired ... 🙈 What the hell was I thinking? 😬


I'd taken months to even take a sip of the tea as I was terrified of feeling wobbly again. I had only taken it before bed for a while, just to be sure I wouldn't feel it. Then one tablespoon only by day. Why the fuck did I sip it? I know I can't cope with feeling drugged! Since I was a kid if doctor's wanted to give me painkillers I refused as I'd rather have pain than this feeling...

Then I started panicking again that it wasn't the tea, but more brain episodes I can't cope with... only the fact that I couldn't stop drinking water reminding me that it probably wasn't that!😅

Eventually after midnight I felt calm and safe enough to go to sleep and not feel it would be the last thing I did. 😬

I woke about 9am Friday, still feeling shaky inside, still feeling slightly wobbly when I got up.

But mostly just like I'd had a battle with my nightmares and every bit of negativity my body knew and held on to.

I managed to get some porridge that was made for me, then just watched more TV and tried to stop myself getting stressed again. I knew I just needed to sleep more, brain surgery was a great teacher in knowing when my brain couldn't cope any more. Eventually I fell asleep and woke about 2 1/2 hours later. Feeling a bit better...

Yet wondering how anyone could have so much stress inside them and still function?!

I'm now too scared to drink anymore tea, feel an idiot, and like I have been reminded of all the darkness and fears... Anxiety, frustration and anger back to after surgery levels 😩

The only positive is that I know when you keep getting reminded of hell, you appreciate the light again better...🌞


 I then saw this picture show in my news feed the following day!



I'm not ashamed about using a plant that has been proven to heal many, many people of all sorts of issues. I have heard of several people controlling or even healing their brain tumours from taking it... Especially as it is known to be very good for all sorts of neurological problems as well as anxiety.

I am purely wanting to take a natural plant to IMPROVE my health, rather than relying on toxic pharmaceutical drugs that almost certainly damage it. 😕

I am far less ashamed than I would be if I chose to get drunk, and yet for some reason that is a totally acceptable thing to do. 🤔

I might just not take as much next time! 😁





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