New Year 2022

Don't want to write a 'traditional and polite' but at the moment trite Happy New Year message today, not as I don't wish everyone happiness (as I try my best to do that whatever the damn day is to those that are genuinely kind people -which most are 💖- free hugs are always offered x) but as it just seems bollocks, a complete head up your own arse and oblivious to reality load of shite that I can't comply with.

This year has been awful, worse than having part of your brain scooped out and dealing with the after effects. 2020 and 2021 have made 2016 look like a walk in the fucking park. It was a practice for this shitshow ...  in could I keep going when inside everything was breaking. A practice in trusting and that life is on our side, that good always triumphs evil and our soul contracts are here to evolve us. 💫💖💞

This year I have been destroyed as the strength, resilience and independence I thought both some of my loved ones and most people had, I realised was a crock of shit. They caved at the first or second hurdle, gave into bullies and liars, have defiled their (or even worse their kids) bodies and souls and didn't realise their brain had been manipulated into fear. I have grieved more times than I want to think about, cried to my core about what is happening, fearing for their and humanity's future and wondering where have the rebels, warriors,  black sheep and even those with a bit of spunk left have gone?

I've walked through DIY stores watching big strong men walking around with their face nappy on like good obedient slaves, didn't know whether to laugh or cry at people sitting in their plastic boxes with 'good boy' stickers on in a hospital waiting room, people wearing their muzzles to walk to the loo or move between what they are doing , but then take them off in the same fucking room for whatever activity is acceptable... 

When I just simply said NO. 

Yet, I'm not physically strong, I have massive anxiety at times, PTSD from looking at surgical blue masks, too much trauma than I want to mention, plus have issues where I can't even verbalise the right words- especially when stressed or questioned. But I am NOT compromising my soul. 

Like how the fuck are you existing? Don't you realise you are being laughed at by those orchestrating this farce? Or has the TV washed your brain and the toxins dumbed you down from even being able to think what YOU feel inside? 

It's no worse than when a government wants to change your view that a certain type of person is evil enough that we need to bomb and kill them... but the only evil are the ones telling others to throw the bombs in the name of peace. (Yeah fuck for virginity why don't you too 🙄) Since when has fighting solved conflicts? No... that's talking, compromise and listening...realising everyone no matter what their colour, religion or beliefs are tainted by their past. We can only change that through mutual understanding.

Greed rules or the multi billionaires of this world could have stopped global poverty several times over. Don't you wonder who's making money from the vaccines, swabs and masks? How suddenly its fine to pollute the world en mass? Wars are only fought when something worth $$$ can be won. Cancer has more cures than the 'cut, burn or poison' that are the only things legally allowed to be mentioned. Did you know that people have been locked up for curing it? Yes, for curing cancer in people who were  deemed terminal by the NHS and are alive and well... but they were locked up purely as they didn't follow the law ...

Legality is not morality. Never has been.

This world is run by evil, many who admit they are eugenicists. I won't even mention some of the other things I believe happen, but I trust 'truth will out eventually' and just watch several films that are more reality based than you possibly ever realise... 

(and yes this conspiracy theorist has been right many times this year 😉 - although I've never wished more that I'd been wrong 😔)

They even admit they have a government fear unit, designed to keep you in enough fear to comply. Think - why on earth they would want a population in fear, if it wasnt to keep them under control...?

 

Same reason we have schools... (you know you can home educate and you don't have to 'teach' your child 'the curriculum'?) Schools just teach you to follow the damn rules and you are not a priority, to follow the system until you die. Do you own thing and you are ignored or punished, where even amazing talent doesn't matter if its not on the syllabus. It's certainly not encouraged. Is that what you want for your child?

 
But...Yes you are a priority!!! A sovereign human that doesn't have to mould to the rules.

 

You are a soul who deserves much more than this,

 just as we all do.

I don't wish you a Happy New Year... I wish you some fucking balls to say no. 

To start looking and questioning. 

To listen to your own gut, your inner knowing, and your heart. 

To think what effect your actions have on the world and if you are part of humanity staying enslaved? 

Please start to listen with an open heart ❤ I don't hate you for complying,  I just want you to know you no longer have to if it doesn't feel right TO YOU 💫 (and if it does, and you enjoy having your life controlled, I wish you well x)

With that we ALL can have a 'Happy New Life' without the evil, greedy, rich, 'philanthropic', twats who own most of the world controlling us.

We can all have peace and a happier life then.
I pray for it anyway... for you and your children 🙏💖💫💖🙏

Love you 😘 from Enzo and I on the sofa x 

Life in 2020...

 

I haven't been able to write anything for ages. For the last few months I simply haven't felt able to do more than manage to look after myself day to day. Trapped in some insane hell where the rest of the world has suddenly turned into brain dead zombies.

I have managed to take the dog for his daily walk to the park, sometimes even the local woodlands, but although I had tried to get out to a few places once lockdown had finished, for over a month now I haven't even been to the shops. I can't deal with it. 

These are the reasons why ...

 

I already have to fight inner demons to get out on a 'normal' day, the added stress of people asking me where's my mask, telling me I'm queuing the wrong way, not observing social distancing, or just people glaring at you ... Means I'd barely been anywhere for months as it was. 

 

I was scared of needing to go to doctor's, dentists or even opticians as I don't want to follow their rules. I don't want my body temperature zapped - and it's certainly not going to be zapped on my head. 

 

I don't want to try and explain my beliefs into a fear laden government puppet ... I find it hard to explain even the most basic things when I'm under pressure. Not forgetting that I haven't trusted doctor's for decades (even though I somewhat had to for brain surgery!) and fear their pharma based only beliefs. 

 

So now, I don't even feel I have doctors medical 'back up' now and need to rely on myself and my knowledge. (I believe it was taking vitamins, getting out in sun, homeopathy and essential oils that got my family through corona back in March.) That said, when I did finally see a doctor they didn't even ask why I wasn't wearing a mask!

 

 

My social life ended in March - all live music stopped and with it much of my purpose and challenging and improving my coordination etc. My home educated son's meet ups disappeared, as did two of our household incomes ...

 

 

The outside gym at the park was closed for months, something I need to help improve my health, so for 4 months I was getting physically and mentally weaker. (I really didn't see why it was shut when everyone touched the park gates anyway and that was OK?! The more fit people still using it, but just jumping the fence.) It has now been shut again for the second lockdown, even though the children's playground this time is still open...🤔

At the start of September, this was a video I recorded after 1 was told I wouldn't be able to have my opticians appointment without wearing a mask. I knew this was against the government guidelines and so filmed them. Despite knowing I was correct in that they could not deny me medical treatment, I was shaking like a leaf after, so much so that they even offered me a drink! 

Masks triggering PTSD, is worse than dealing with brain surgery at times... https://www.facebook.com/benignbraintumour/posts/746962076036141

My last trip out was to the post office back in October, I simply needed to get a label for one parcel, and a receipt for the other. However with the new 'corona queue' it took over 1/2 hour just to wait for the 5 or 6 people in front of me all wearing their muzzles, neatly spaced on their dots on the floor or standing away from each other whilst they still had to queue outside. I can partly deal with it that they (misguidedly) feel safer for doing this, like the fact we all go and touch the post office counter, card reader, and put the parcels in the same bag, and the people leaving had to literally walk past those queuing, doesn't make the whole thing totally pointless. 🤔 

But what got me is that ... NO ONE smiled (I smiled at everyone), no one said thank you (the door was now electric, with a sign saying 'go' when you could enter and 'stop' when you had to wait as there were too many people in the shop🙄), no one made small talk (I tried), people glared at me when I said I was done paying and they could use the counter - yet as I still hadn't put my parcels in the bag (as I couldn't easily do so) I was still less than 2 meters away - and so I was looked at like I might poison them or something! No wonder the queue took so bloody long?! Plus I wasn't wearing a mask ... Shock horror ... I felt like I was walking round with a 'I have leprosy' sign on my head. 

Plus, due to all the 'keep your distance' notices on the newly installed plastic screen, the post office clerk couldn't even see that I had placed a large letter on the scales and not a parcel, so tried to charge me twice the price and then had to delete the transaction and start again! It was truly a farce. Plus after standing still for this time I was getting physically tired too. My back had been hurting for several days, so I had totally ignored the dots on the floor and had needed to stand either leaning on the shop wall or at times squatting as I was in so much pain. I have no idea what others with disabilities do? Maybe just simply not go out? After all society has suddenly found it OK not to cater for them, make single way entrances and exits meaning you have to walk twice as far or in a zig zag etc. 

 

By the time I was finished I wasn't just physically exhausted, I was mentally unable to deal with the total lack of humanity. 

 

People are meant to smile at each other, greet each other, hug friends ... and yet under their horrid blue masks (or the supposedly stylish ones?!) they just look the zombies have escaped from a hospital. All it needed was some (fake) blood and staples and I might have well have been back in the neurosurgery ward. (Actually that was better, as the patients weren't wearing masks and they did attempt to smile when they saw you, have some empathy with each other by even the smallest of glances and smiles.)

 

Basically I came home traumatised and in shock. 

 

When did people stop caring about others? 

When did the act of not following the guidelines exactly as instructed mean you were outcast? 

Why weren't people questioning these guidelines? 

Why the hell were people following them? 

When did they lose their humanity? 

When did they become scared of meeting another person, or touching anything others had just touched?

 Disinfecting their hands like they had just picked up shit? 

 

Don't they know we have millions of viruses, many in our bodies at all times, and if we didn't have contact with them we would die? 

Don't they think that blocking your air and breathing in from the same dirty fabric is actually recycling toxins into your lungs? 

That even a small amount of lowered oxygen can cause brain damage? 

Do they think the 'mask headaches' people say they have are just a harmless side effect?

 

It felt pointless living in a world where people lost their humanity and just walked around like empty headed drones. 

 

I just kept crying. 

 

Yes, masks give me huge amounts of PTSD and even walking past a group of people wearing them is stressful - It's like the world has turned into the hospital theatre. But it wasn't just that, it was how easily we have been fooled. How even Mums with babies, who rely on facial expressions to learn, were wearing masks without question, possibly affecting their baby's development forever ... 

It felt to me just how I imagined the Nazi's persuaded the population to follow orders and ultimately do the inhumane acts some did against another human being...

 

A 'healing practitioner' I know who is in his 70's wrote that in his patients he had 'only seen this before in prisoners of war, in those that have been put in solitary confinement, those who have been tortured and so on. There is fear, acute anxiety and hyper reaction to pain'. 

 

 Why are people accepting this? Just why?

 

There are literally thousands of scientists speaking out against the covid guidelines, saying the stats are false, the guidelines wrong, the masks dangerous, the tests useless, the deaths caused from lockdown far higher than a virus would ever kill, poverty and inequality possibly lasting decades. But still people say you might kill a granny if you go out without a mask even if you have no symptoms (just when have we passed on disease without symptoms?!) and justify it all saying 'the Government are doing their best' (no they are not, they should be prosecuted for genocide and torture😡) probably as the mainstream media doesn't give these alternative views. Have they not heard of 'Stockholm Syndrome'? 😬

 

And this is what scares me the most ... No matter how ridiculous the rules people haven't said, 'No, This is enough.' 

 

 

You can go to work or school, but not see them after, or more than 6 of family, the masks were only brought in 'after' most of the deaths stopped, the fact the death statistics have been manipulated (and the figure was even lowered as it had been double counted at one point), that they count deaths within 28 days of a positive (flawed) test. (Surely if even half the cancer patients who die were positive with a test that just picks up any viral material this would massively manipulate the statistics?)  The fact on mainstream news we are not told their ages or medical conditions, if they had the flu jab last year etc...just deaths. How different is it to the deaths from flu or pneumonia that happen every year? 

The fact they now use cases (on an unreliable test), that hospitals are empty, that many health services and operations have months, or even years, of backlog, that far too many (mainly elderly) have died alone without family there (just how are people accepting this???😭), no funerals or weddings allowed apart from immediate family... 

 

Yet many people still don't seem to see this and follow blindly saying 'its science' (fuck the fact there are 1000s of scientists saying opposite, they are just not on the BBC )... 

 

That scares me, that we have people too blind to see whats happening, policing each other for not 'following the rules' , even when the rules are getting more psychopathic by the day ... and the fear of this continuing if people don't speak up... 😭😭😭

 Now I understand how so many Jews and Roma died ...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Sanity Amongst Madness

This it what has kept me going the past few months...

 

 

Nature

in my garden!

 

 

Watching Bee's...

 

...and the spiders eating them.

Appreciating the flowers...

and the sparrow's, and occasionally other birds, on our bird-feeder.

        

 

For a garden that, for decades, never had more than a passing pigeon or robin until only a few years ago; finding about 25 sparrows around the bird feeders is amazing. 

When the world outside our house has never been so insane,

 it's been calming to just sit and watch.

 

From the various bees, wasps, butterflies, dragonflies, damselflies, moths, grasshoppers & spiders to the fluffy fledglings being guided when it was safe to land (normally when our dog wasn't in the garden) and now seeing SO many more birds than ever before. Some even trusting me enough to continue feeding even when I am only a few metres away, one hungry pigeon still feeding whilst my son tipped the bird feeder towards him as he couldn't quite reach! 

Anyway... even while this year has been awful in SO many ways, masks everywhere being the final straw, this summer has been lovely in both weather (no planes!) and nature. 🌞

 

It has been my sanity amongst madness. 💜

© Pictures all copyrighted to Jo Barlow

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Masks & Hidden Disability

Masks scare me, yet it seems many in shops are wearing them, some even when walking outside or driving alone in their car... 🙄 

It annoys me for many a reason as I have explained here. 

But it also stresses me massively. I have barely been to the shops since Corona started (and almost every time was a disaster) and not at all until today since masks are supposed to be worn in shops.

I had decided to get a Hidden Disability card several weeks back, after one of my shopping trips that ended in tears. Realising they also had exemption cards to masks, I got one of those as well while there. Once the masks guidelines came into force I was glad I had it, but didn't want to go out and get abuse from people or shop staff as I have seen has happened to others, so I still hadn't gone anywhere... 

I cannot explain when I'm stressed at the best of times and it invariably ends in what looks like me having a good angry swear up, when in fact I am just unable to cope and my brain seems to have forgotten how to say anything other than swearing. 😬😓

Today I wanted to get a card - my son and his girlfriend got engaged 💕 - and I had been stressing as to where to go that would be most likely to accept I am not wearing a mask. I felt so awful that I decided to wait until my husband got home and go with him as I couldn't do it alone... 

Then in the middle of trying to make pancakes for breakfast, my youngest son discovered we'd run out of milk. I was the only person here who could drive and I realised I am going to have to go to the shop... and now!

As I got in the car, I was trying to work out what was stressing me. I know I am exempt from wearing them for many reasons (severe distress being the main one - I cannot even cover my mouth and nose at the same time with a blanket, but I knew it was triggering some kind of PTSD from my brain surgery too 🤔) and while I know my ability to speak easily shuts down when I am stressed I knew all I needed to say is 'I am exempt' and if I needed show my exemption card, and legally they cannot do anything ... so what else was it that was stressing me? (rather than just making me angry as I don't agree with them at all)

Then suddenly I just had a feeling that I wasn't driving the car to the shop, but walking down the corridor in hospital to theatre. To be met by doctors and nurses IN MASKS. Not knowing what would happen next ...😨😰

I still managed to drive to the shop OK, even though my body was pounding loudly, and managed to walk in and even choose a card whilst still being able to think. (I know when I have hit this limit and it feels my 'brain has overloaded' and I need to rest while it reboots!) Thankfully I went to the local shop where my husband has spoken to the owner about not wearing masks and he didn't say a word about it and even called me 'my dear' or something else deemed polite. 

I was still shaking though, and I couldn't look at him as he had a more surgical looking mask on. I cannot look at them without fear... and now I understood why.

I drove home with milk and a card. 😊 Sat down for a minute then decided I needed to take the dog for a walk to burn off the excess adrenaline. I then went in the gym and although was particularly useless (as stressed) it felt I had calmed my nervous system down a bit. 

After, I then sat on my normal tree seat at the park and wondered...

 

Will this whole farce of masks would actually help people with hidden disabilities be seen in future? 

 

Has it forced those of us with anxiety or PTSD to let others know? 

 

Will people realise that someone can have a hidden health issue while looking healthy and 'normal' on the outside? 

 

 Maybe, just maybe, people will try and understand? 

 

 

I don't want to wear a badge round my neck labeling me like a lesser classed citizen - I reminds me of the Yellow Badge labeling Jews (I hate the lanyards schools, offices etc wear too!) but I am happy to have the lanyard on my bag or show it when I need to as a compromise. Or have my wrist band on as its more discreet.

You can also download or print a (rather hidden!) exemption card on the government website here.

And just in case you haven't been told - these are the legal exemptions for most Hidden Disabilities... 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Corona Insanity

These last few months have been tough, beyond brain tumour tough. More like having a repeating nightmare where you every so often think you are awake but the nightmare is still going... But its reality. 

Trapped at home, even going to the post office meaning you have to queue outside for ages (with no seat), everyone else in my family having their income stopped or reduced and stuck at home, unable even to use the outside gym as it was supposedly unsafe... 

 

While I felt my body physically and mentally deteriorating in part because of this one padlocked gate. My fatigue, anxiety and depression all raising their rather ugly heads again...  😭

I am possibly going to be contraversial to some, and yet I know many others will agree, but I am totally fed up with the people following the insane 'guidelines' without questioning.

You are helping destroy humanity as we know it.

Do you want a New World Order where you need a Covid vaccine certificate to travel abroad or even get medical treatment?  Or not able to access government funding, schooling or support unless you comply? (as already happens in China with social credits.) A barely tested DNA altering fast tracked vaccine where the manufacturers have no responsibility if it kills or maims and you cannot even get compensation from the government  (as you do other vaccines) as its a pandemic 🤔🤐 (don't believe me- its all here www.gov.uk/vaccine-damage-payment/eligibility)

Don't you realise the excess deaths have stopped?  The 'covid flu' killed many of the vulnerable earlier in the year... Not helped by the information that I have seen that care homes and hospitals gave DNR (do not resuscitate) forms to their patients, were told to not treat elderly patients who they suspected were ill with it and many were even sent back from hospitals while ill, only to infect the rest of the care home population 🤬 (I have even heard several stories that they even withheld their normal medication - and we wonder why they died? 🤬😭). 

I won't even go on about how inhumane and unkind it is to ban the elderly from seeing their family, nor how many deaths this alone would cause. I cried reading the story of a local woman unable to see her unable to speak, severely disabled adult daughter ... for weeks! When she was 'allowed' to see her, she had to socially distance herself, even with her and her daughter crying. 🤬 

Would you want to go on, stuck in a room without being able to see those you love? There is a reason married people or those with a good friend network live longer - it's as we are social beings.

 

 

And please look again on the info on masks...

Masks have been used as a sign of slavery for centuries...yet one rather hyped up 'virus' and people are voluntarily wearing them. In my eyes wearing them is nothing more that accepting you want to be controlled. 

 

That is what the dark elite also think too... You are their slave.

 

STOP.

 

PLEASE.

 

Stop wearing them if you or your children don't want to live in a fascist dictatorship.

Plus you cannot spread an illness you don't have, and many medical publications say masks don't work anyway. 

 

 

If you don't believe me that Government's etc will actually lie about viruses you NEED to read this book. Fear of the Invisible  

 

 

 

We need people to stand up and say NO to these 'guidelines'. They cannot do anything if we all refuse. Shops won't continue with the 'rules' if they no longer have people shopping there unless they are muzzle free and able to walk in the direction they want! 🤔 

 

Even if they say they will fine people (how can they if you refuse to give your details) do you really think the police or courts will be able to cope with millions of these cases?

And ... can you honestly tell me that this virus will kill more than stopping all but 100% emergency treatment? 

 

 

I have heard of others having even their cancer treatment stopped, routine scans and follow up are gone. (unless you ask as I did here!) 

 

As I saw when I was in the hospital even a neurosurgery ward was shut! They are normally struggling for bed spaces for those that are having surgery - yet I don't think many neurosurgery operations are cosmetic or routine, so this will undoubtedly destroy lives?! 🤬  

 

No other clinics or patients were there, it was a ghost town. Even urgent brain tumour patients only getting inferior consultations over the phone.  😔  

 

Yet, while we were there, even the nurses or porters (unless near a patient) weren't wearing masks or gloves, even when close to each other 🤔 Why would this be if  they were seriously concerned? No wonder they silenced the NHS from talking about it?!

How many lives will even just stopping our healthcare system like this for months cost? Now even accounting that the suicide rate has gone up many times 😭 (& often young healthy people), or how the economy crashing will effect whole families - possibly for decades... You can bet it will be FAR more than corona ever will or would have killed - even with no lockdown or social distancing. 🤐

So, PLEASE, if you haven't already, take a look at other sources of Doctor's, Immunologists and Epidemiologists who are saying there is another side to this story than what we are being told in main stream media. 🤔 These are just some I have seen...

Evidence Not Fear  An Evidence Based Guide including info from many Dr's and medical publications.

Zach Bush MD

Dr Judy A Mikovits

 

Dr Andrew Kaufman MD

 

Dolores Cahill PhD 

Vaxxter.com (primarily alternative info from Dr's about vaccines but also has a lot of info about corona)

Dr Vernon Coleman (whose calming videos have kept me sane)

UK column also has many artciles as well as radio shows to listen to.

J.B Handley blog has many referenced sources

and look up Knut Wittkowski - his YouTube videos have been removed... when censorship happens I personally always feel they are speaking some truth that hurts (after all pedophilia is still online and they don't seem to be able to stop that 🤔🤬) One of his articles is about how Covid would be over by now without lockdown. 

 

 

 

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Scanxiety and Medical Cannabis

After the horrendous experience during and after my last MRI scan I'd decided for the last couple of weeks to take some cannabis tea. Using lots of the ground leaves so it should have more CBD in it as well as THC. The CBD oil I had bought and had been using for several months was now only giving me very limited benefits.

My logic being it might help calm me and also help treat the neurological issues I still have. It seemed to be working as a few teaspoons of tea a day just lowered my stress levels, and the shaking inside seemed to stop.

But on Thursday, I came downstairs to see letters written by the NHS on the table. I saw the logo and felt totally sick to the stomach. Even though a few seconds later I realised they were routine letters for other things and two were not even addressed to me, the internal stress didn't go with this knowledge and I still felt really anxious a couple of hours later...

So I decided to make some more weed tea and once it was done took a mouthful, as I had done with the last batch. I few hours later I took another gulp and after hour or so another...

I felt calmer, very slightly wobbly, but nothing worse than I have for the last 4 years, I was even going to post a comment saying:

 "So basically my brain has felt like it's been high

for the last few years,🤔

Maybe I should accept this feeling more? 😂" 

I felt fine and made dinner ... Although felt slightly more wobbly as I was finishing my meal. Thought I'd have some ice cream and ate a bit, then tried to look at my phone and forgot what I was doing as I was doing it. 

Then my head spun.
The full going in circles like being on a fairground ride... 
The memory of waking up after brain surgery and then first trying to sit up... Everything blurry...
The trying to eat when my world was spinning... 
The thinking I would pass out... 
Not knowing if it was panic or a brain response, but that fear was not helping one bit... 
The violent, feel sick to your stomach, nausea.

I all but ran up to bed crying and shaking. Nothing would stop the revolving vision. Me feeling totally unsure if it was having too much tea or what...

I'd not had that much more than previously, although it was another, maybe stronger, brew and still warm. I was not able to remember how much I'd had, I couldn't quantify a mouthful to know if it was too much or not?

My thoughts still not sure if it was the tea, a panic attack or my brain was fucking up again...

I knew I'd had a vestibular neuritis episode a few weeks after my last MRI. Maybe that was the link?

Anyway, I won't bore you with the next few hours nightmare thoughts, but fair to say I relived every single fear, trauma or sensation I had before, during and after my brain surgery. 😱 Each memory seemed like it was coming up to remind me I'd felt it, maybe not fully faced it, and that somehow it still traumatised me. That I'd not processed these fears yet and never really discussed them out loud.

I had visions of walking to the toilet in hospital ...
when I couldn't see anything as my world was spinning so much ...
crying alone in hospital as I felt so terrified and tired ...
reminders of blurry, spinning vision ... 

and the ultimate terror of feeling I was drifting off while laying in theatre as I was given anesthetic for my surgery - Not knowing if I would actually wake up again nor be able to walk or talk OK if I did ...

I had horrendously strong memory of every fucking traumatic experience while feeling dizzy before and after my brain surgery, as well as every severe panic attack that I'd ever had where I'd felt out of control and dizzy.

All in one evening. 😰

It took over 2 hours for the violent spinning and feeling I would pass out to go. 2 hours that felt like days... Weeks... Months...Years. All compounded into one.

Yet part of me also felt totally stupid, I'd been sipping tea for a couple of weeks, why suddenly did I feel this horrid? Why did I drink an extra mouthful so close to the others? The one evening Dave wanted to go out...

I don't drink - I stopped when I was 18! I know I don't like the feeling. I am sensitive to almost every medical drug I've tried. If I have too much dark chocolate I get shakes from the caffeine, don't drink even a normal tea and certainly not coffee, sugar gives me a jittery rush, gluten or milk = belly pain and feeling slightly poisoned. I can taste a drop of alcohol in a glass of water... (Yes my kids tried it!)  I am all but in a coma from taking one antihistamine, I am a zombie on co-codamol, the Heparin injection I could feel for hours, I can't even have more than one paracetamol without nausea and Ibuprofen is worse- hence why I stopped pain killers 2 days after brain surgery!  I get like I am drunk just when I'm tired ... 🙈 What the hell was I thinking? 😬


I'd taken months to even take a sip of the tea as I was terrified of feeling wobbly again. I had only taken it before bed for a while, just to be sure I wouldn't feel it. Then one tablespoon only by day. Why the fuck did I sip it? I know I can't cope with feeling drugged! Since I was a kid if doctor's wanted to give me painkillers I refused as I'd rather have pain than this feeling...

Then I started panicking again that it wasn't the tea, but more brain episodes I can't cope with... only the fact that I couldn't stop drinking water reminding me that it probably wasn't that!😅

Eventually after midnight I felt calm and safe enough to go to sleep and not feel it would be the last thing I did. 😬

I woke about 9am Friday, still feeling shaky inside, still feeling slightly wobbly when I got up.

But mostly just like I'd had a battle with my nightmares and every bit of negativity my body knew and held on to.

I managed to get some porridge that was made for me, then just watched more TV and tried to stop myself getting stressed again. I knew I just needed to sleep more, brain surgery was a great teacher in knowing when my brain couldn't cope any more. Eventually I fell asleep and woke about 2 1/2 hours later. Feeling a bit better...

Yet wondering how anyone could have so much stress inside them and still function?!

I'm now too scared to drink anymore tea, feel an idiot, and like I have been reminded of all the darkness and fears... Anxiety, frustration and anger back to after surgery levels 😩

The only positive is that I know when you keep getting reminded of hell, you appreciate the light again better...🌞

 I then saw this picture show in my news feed the following day!

I'm not ashamed about using a plant that has been proven to heal many, many people of all sorts of issues. I have heard of several people controlling or even healing their brain tumours from taking it... Especially as it is known to be very good for all sorts of neurological problems as well as anxiety.

I am purely wanting to take a natural plant to IMPROVE my health, rather than relying on toxic pharmaceutical drugs that almost certainly damage it. 😕

I am far less ashamed than I would be if I chose to get drunk, and yet for some reason that is a totally acceptable thing to do. 🤔

I might just not take as much next time! 😁





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A Very Quiet Birthday

Two days ago it was my birthday 🎂 I ended up spending it at home with my family. No surprise there being that the country is on lock-down! 😁

On the surface there was no presents (as no one could get to the shops), no meal out and I couldn't even get a takeaway of food I wanted.

Last Saturday evening also should have been having a birthday gig with my husband and son's band. It is the singer's birthday the day before mine so last year it was a fun event. Nothing pressured, just an enjoyable evening. But this year everything is on stop...

So instead I got a nice home cooked meal and my son making me a really tasty gluten free birthday cake. (Believe me tasty gluten free cake is a task in itself!) Nothing else different from any other day.

Apart from their presence in the present -

which I guess is the best type!! 💜

But then I never much liked my birthday, I hate people fussing over me as they are 'supposed to' rather than they 'want to' (Just to let you know - any other day of the year and I am up for treats!) and I am not the artificial huggy, kissy type. If you get a hug it's as I mean it, and care. We even chose to get married abroad as I didn't want a wedding what feels to me a fake, and expensive, parade.😬 So I guess 'nothing' doesn't upset me too much?! Not much different to lock down being quite like our normal daily lifestyle...

But I did get a birthday spent outside in the garden, with blue sky and no 'plane lines' (even if it wasn't as sunny as the day before.) The loudest noise for most of the day the birds nesting in the bird box in my garden, rather than the constant volume of traffic driving past, the constant line of planes in the sky or the rumble of a transporter dropping off cars to the garage nearby, or people revving engines. I spent much of the day planting seeds and sorting pots for growing veggies in what felt a far better environment than usual.

Plus, as it has rained in the night, when we went for a walk that morning the trees outside had dropped their white pollen, so it was like I had a layer of natures confetti at my doorstep, all down the road and at the park instead. Nature celebrated quietly with me.💜

And... for some reason, I still find the date of my brain surgery, my cranioversary, more of a celebration of still living than my birthday. Maybe as not many have a cranioversary day, or a second chance at life, it's a bit more special?







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Comparing Recovery Isolation & Corona

We are now almost 3 weeks into being isolated at home. My husband and I both started feeling ill on 16th March, spent the next day in bed. No it wasn't romantic, we both were feeling full of flu aches, with temperature, headache, nausea, dizziness, fatigue and me constantly coughing.

Two or three days later our two older children then started feeling ill, mainly with headaches, body aches and a temperature, so I had to try and get drinks for everyone, cook dinner etc while really not feeling up to it. I decided then that having a brain tumour was actually an advantage as it meant I was already used to cooking and doing chores when I felt dizzy and fatigued with more than a bit of brain fog! 🤔😬

A few days into our illness, the UK went into lock-down, so we couldn't go out anymore anyway. 

My husband was basically ill in bed, or the last few days dragged into the sun lounger in the garden to get some vitamin D, for 9 days. It took us both about 2 weeks to even start to feel normal again and cook without feeling totally exhausted after, even though we then lost our sense or taste and smell and still felt tired. 

At some point, or two, my husband complained about how slowly he was recovering, how fatigued he still felt, and how slow his brain was working... each time I laughed! I know I shouldn't but I did say to him, "Now do you understand?"

Almost 3 weeks later we are still a bit more fatigued than usual, I'm still coughing but otherwise things are back to 'normal'. Whatever that is now... 🤔

I know I have read someone else talking about there not being much difference being isolated after brain injury to Corona lock-down a couple of weeks ago, but now we have had 3 weeks of only going out twice to get food and I wonder ... 

Is getting over brain surgery any different to this forced isolation? 

The only more negative things now is it takes me ages to get a shopping slot online and it's not even guaranteed I will get one, half the products I want are out of stock, food costs me more money, some of the places I shop from are closed, or only open for short periods, and post is taking ages. I also can't go to visit my parents and the garden centre is closed. I am also missing my weekend escapes of going to my husband's gigs. 

It's also the same in that once again my family have no income. Last time it was as my self employed husband had to look after me, this time as all his work has been cancelled. We are used to living on tax credits. We have dealt with it before, we will do so again 💜 

On the positive side... I only felt ill for a week. I was able to walk the dog again after 9 days not 90. We have been able to tidy garden, plant seeds - all nicely growing me veggies, sort house, finish off building a recording studio for my son, put up shelves and make things and have even ordered paint to update the hallway. I have time to sort out and now need to list the 100s of books I want to sell. We have a pile of items to take to the tip or charity shops once they are open again.

And, most importantly, this time others (even those than have not been ill with Corona) UNDERSTAND how you are feeling. 

Isolated.

Thing is, 

I had already been forced to get used to it. 

Now its almost quite normal ...🤔😬

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