Vagus Nerve Healing

I always look out for synchronicity and serendipitous occurrences since my surgery, as I have had some really helpful and powerful messages when I have been paying attention.

Several months ago on my brain tumour group someone posted about having vagus nerve healing which although interesting, I partly ignored as I couldn't afford to look for treatments. Then I saw article after article pop up on the vagus nerve, and even in regard to anxiety. So I searched it, finding that you could do healing exercises. The one I liked best was by Sukie Baxter - Whole Body Revolution - who has a You Tube Channel  as just listening to her voice was soothing. But doing the simple exercise (here) of literally looking out the sides of my eyes for a minute each side made me feel insanely dizzy after, and the wobbly feeling didn't just for a few minutes, but for the rest of the day.

Yet I felt that as something so simple could have such a dramatic effect, it must be something my body needed. After a few conversations on you tube with Sukie I tried it again, but not looking as far to the side, nor holding it for as long. Again I found it hard to look round to the second side, and realised it didn't matter which side did first, the first side was OK but the second I could feel myself and my vision going in circles trying to focus. So again I had to keep looking a bit further forwards (I reduced it to just over 45° each way), only held it for 15- 20 seconds and also only did the exercise at night so I could go to sleep afterwards without having to walk or feel wobbly.

Over a few weeks I gradually increased it so that I could get to around 70°, although the first side was always better by about 10° than the second side! Plus I also increased the time to 30, then 40 seconds.

Then at some point on doing another of the vagus nerve exercises for anxiety I realised it had calmed me, and so decided to buy the book she recommended to see what else it could help with. Accessing the Healing Power of the Vagus Nerve

On receiving this book I was totally fascinated with the topic, almost every word I could relate to, from the common problems related to cranial nerve dysfunction and the states of the automatic nervous system almost summing up my health, to how the Polyvagal Theory could mean that my body, not my faulty thoughts, was causing many of my emotional struggles.

I sat and cried when it explained that I could be 'stuck' in fight or flight mode and this could be the cause of my now almost constant anxiety, or blank depression. I know that when I still had my tumour, I was experiencing fight or flight fear responses many many times a day when my brain wasn't able to cope with moving around and it throwing me off balance. The sick to your stomach panic hitting me each time. I had explained this to my neurosurgeon, GP, the neurophysiologist, and anyone who has ever supported me since my surgery... No one ever said this trauma might have been 'trapped' in my body. 

Despite this urge to read more, I was only able to read a chapter at the most each day, before I either couldn't take it in and absorb the info (and I know I needed to) or my eyes would physically struggle to see anymore without them blurring. And this was with my reading glasses, or my varifocals on. (or after taking them off, as sometimes this is actually better?!)

It was also informative that my wasted neck muscle could be part of my health issues as people with a dysfunction in the neck muscles are often not 'socially engaged'. (What you should be if the vagus nerve is functioning well)

Anyway, I was keeping up the basic exercise and gradually I realised I was having a few days at a time of feeling less anxious. I also had the urge to 'help myself' a bit more rather than feeling 'empty and blank' and brought some Palo Santo essential oil (which I absolutely love the smell of, and realised it is also for anxiety, depression, and stress - which might have been why it was calling me!) and booked an appointment with the chiropractor. (who I had not seen for months due to lockdown)

At this chiropractic appointment, she did a fair bit of work on my head and neck and I could feel how badly my body had been twisted to one side again, as well as wanting to cry when she gently manipulated my head and neck - I told her 'I still feel trauma is trapped here'. Plus she told me it was my trapezious muscle in my neck that was wasted. (which then explained a lot to me) 

The next morning, I woke to the top of my head feeling so sore, not only the usual sore spot but a bigger area in the middle of my numb patch. It is an odd feeling to describe, but a mix of someone pulling your hair out and sunburn. It felt like the nerves were slowly returning and (as I have found) the pain was one of the first signs of change.

Despite this I had the urge to do things and spent a few days in the garden, planting seeds, getting pots moved and then tidying up various bits in the house.

And... After a few days I suddenly realised I had not felt more than mildly anxious, was much less depressed and my health felt generally better!

Roll on a few months and another couple of chiropractic appointments and it felt like nothing more had changed. I was expecting things to continue as I was still doing the Vagus Nerve Exercises, but the anxiety and blank depression had not reduced further. 

Then, as coincidence has it, in September 2021 my husband had a customer here that happened to be, amongst other holistic healing modalities, a massage therapist. So I decided to try if this would help my neck.

After my second appointment, I had a rather interesting (and what also seemed rather depressing) observation on the fight or flight reflex .... He had released one of my neck muscles and then asked me something about after my surgery (I think on purpose) and as I spoke about it he said he could feel my muscle instantly tense right back up and go back to the same level of tension it was before he started.😲

So even thinking about the trauma of hospital and my surgery, despite not even talking about one of the times that was really tough or emotional, my body still physically reacted. I mean I know my fight or flight has never really gone down, but for it to be this clear was rather depressing, and it felt almost pointless me getting getting any treatment such as a massage to help if it just instantly goes back.

 

But a couple of times during the treatment I had just cried for what seemed like no apparent reason. I hadn't been thinking of anything that would make me cry, yet tears were just running down my face.  So I accepted these tears needed to be released and just sat there allowing them.

 

However to my surprise, after a couple of weeks and not really doing anything else too different to what I had been for a while, I suddenly realised my stress and anxiety levels had reduced considerably!  

Now, me being me, with the memory of a fish at times, after a few weeks I forgot to keep up the Vagus Nerve Exercises, I simply didn't remember to do them more than occasionally before I went to sleep.... but the anxiety, although not gone, had very much reduced. 

 As ever, it's a work in progress. Brain injuries and trauma take their time to improve! 😁

 

Accessing the Healing Power of the Vagus Nerve: Self-Help Exercises for Anxiety, Depression, Trauma, and Autism
Stanley Rosenberg

 
"Accessing the Healing Power of the Vagus Nerve is a practical guide to understanding the cranial nerves as the key to our psychological and physical wellbeing. Drawing from the polyvagal theory of Stephen Porges--one of the biggest new developments in human neurobiology--Rosenberg explains in easy-to-understand terms how the vagus nerve, in particular, has a strong role in determining our psychological and emotional state, especially when it comes to how we relate and react to other people. By understanding the physiology of the autonomic nervous system and practicing simple exercises to restore proper vagal functioning, we can learn how to improve our emotional state within minutes. Those suffering from anxiety, depression, panic, and trauma will find much that is useful here, as well as those with physical ailments such as chronic pain and digestive problems. Additionally, because the vagus nerve is a key regulator of social interaction, therapy for proper vagal functioning has great potential for helping those with autism spectrum disorders."

Medical Cannabis

I posted a link to my blog post  'Scanxiety and Medical Cannabis' on a few other Facebook pages for either brain tumour or traumatic brain injury (TBI) patients last year. I was astonished with the sheer amount of others who openly admitted there that the also used medical cannabis for their brain injury.

 

Why is it not openly spoken about that cannabis is helping

 brain injury patients?

I actually copied down four A4 pages from just the comments! (excluding any names)

Here are a few of the replies:

"I swear my cannabis has worked wonders for me. I have taken no prescription drugs, only self medicate with smoke. Great for depression, anxiety, pains overall, keeps me on a normal level - but most won't understand a brain injury and just think we are druggies😐"

"Totally agree, I hate taking prescription drugs and not a massive drinker. I’m not ashamed of how it massively helped me. I used a vape version along with more CBD drops for most of before and after my treatment, it helped with my nausea and anxiety! It also helped switch my brain off so I could sleep!"

"I agree! I would recommend the vape pen version!, I’ve tried many edible versions but because they take a few hours to properly get into your system, its hard to judge how much you need, I much prefer my vape pen as its a more instant relief, especially when my anxiety is high or I'm too overwhelmed! I really only micro dose with it as I dont use it to get ‘high’ and I just take 1 or 2 puffs and instantly my head stops being frantic, (A vape also means I can take it out with me and no one is the wiser 🤷🏼‍️)"

"I made sure I spoke with my neuro team quite openly about it and of course they are not at liberty to say to use it but they had no reservations about it!"

"I never used to use it before my ‘terry’ appeared and I made sure I did my research before hand 👍🏻👍🏻
If speaking out about using it can help someone else with crippling anxiety and PTSD then its totally worth it! Thank you Jo for talking so openly about it!! 💕💕"

"I use cannabis regularly and while I have no medical proof to share, I am 4 years living with a GBM4 where my prognosis was originally 15 months. I believe there was a big study in Madrid University on the subject, google that for more info."

"I take the CBD form of cannabis. I take no meds for my brain tumour and I do believe that its helps to keep it stable. No shame to taking it as I do believe or works. Irrespective to other think if you feel it does something for you then do it."

"I agree with this, but I would suggest to start slowly... Think 'micro-dose', until you find your level."

"I take CBD and it has kept my tumour stable since starting to take it."

"I use cannabis for the migraines that no pain med can touch. It usually clears it up fast."

"Yes, it's the cure 💚 that and magic mushrooms 🙏💐 it repaired my brain damage from being unable to work or even hold a conversation to applying as a background extra in a Hollywood movie (and I got the part!😍) I would recommend cannabis in any form to anyone 💚"

"I smoke some every night to get out of pain and to sleep. It is a God given miracle herb."

 "Use it nightly. Have been for past 20yrs."

"THC with CBD helps my severe seizures tremendously. Nothing else works as well."

"I use it twice a day and do pretty well...( Sometimes more). It just depends on what your need is. For some people it does not take much at all. For me I have mental health and pain management issues. But I can tell you I have not had a migraine in two years."

"Cannabis is my primary source of medication, and has been for 11 years."

"Edibles are the ONLY thing that helps me sleep."

"I’m in NY and have my medical card.... life saver for pain and sleep."

"My dad is a massive stroke survivor, he gets his to avoid a seizure. It also helps the awful pain he gets in his “bad” side."

"I use it all day everyday. Helps with the all over body pain and with the anxiety I have every day."

"I have had my medical card since 2014. Best thing to happen."

"I used to drink alcohol a lot before my TBI but since I got hurt I dont drink anymore. My doctor's told me to stay away from booze because its not good for brain injury rehabilitation. I do use cannabis medically. I used to use it to just get hi before my TBI but now I use it instead of taking the pharmaceuticals the doctors were trying to get me hooked on."

"There are two types, Sativa and Indica. Both with vastly different outcomes. Before you invest heavily, you will need to try different varieties that are prescribed to you. My mom needs Indica for her stroke injury and husband needs Sativa for his bike accident coma 35 years ago.  I use CBD pain cream for my bad knees, but I work for the state, so THC is a no-go. I love the CBD!"

"I use cannabis daily. My brain injury caused seizures and I'm still trying to stop the seizures and I'm trying to find the best strain for that."

 "I use high THC-V strains, helps with energy and focus."

"I use both CBD and a THC. I use indica for sleep or during a migraine to help me relax. CBD is a life changer....better than any other pain meds I have ever been given.2

"I use it daily. Helps to ground my flighty brain."

"🙋🏼‍daily user here.

Yes! high CBD low THC tinctures. 4 drops under the tongue. Highly recommend for settling/silencing body and mind for a full night's sleep. I especially love the fact that I can have a glass of wine with dinner and not worry about interaction if I find I can't get to sleep. Truthfully, it's a game changer."

"Yes, it's the only thing that makes my headaches go away."

"I have honestly, I find it brilliant for when I get really anxious or have bad symptoms, has to be done in moderation though as it can make me feel worse."

"I’m taking capsules best thing even if it’s for a decent sleep xx"

"I swear by it the THC and CBD oils x"

 

 

Planted in a raised bed in Ground

This book Medical Cannabis was also really helpful in reassuring me cannabis was safe to try, and I will look at these other books recommended in their further reading - The Cannabis Encyclopedia and The Cannabis Grow Bible, when I need to find more information on growing.

                

£30 = enough plants to last all year.

 

 

 

        If you are interested in growing your own... 

        Cannabis seeds are available from Seedsman where 

        you can search under various medical conditions 

        and what type of seeds you want. 

       They need to be brought soon if in the UK as to

        grow outside they need to be planted around April.

 

 

 

If you have ever grown vegetable plants and have a vague knowledge of growing, then planting the seeds in a tray on windowsill and moving outside (covered from slugs) when a few inches tall outside worked fine. I grew mine alongside my tomato plant seedlings!

 

You then need a tall greenhouse for when they move outside (that you may have to raise up even more as they grow TALL) and either very big plant pots or an area in the ground. I used a raised flower bed, filled with tomato compost on top off the garden soil. (as you can see above) Make sure you only fertilize them with edible plant foods, and keep them covered from slugs until they are about a foot tall, then they are pretty resilient. Just make sure you undo the greenhouse cover when your neighbours aren't around!!

 

Seedsman have plants both with and without THC (the part that makes you high) and CBD, they also have various conditions are listed under 'medical seeds', you can then chose if you want a low or high THC amount.

I personally stopped using just the THC plant after my nightmare episode I wrote about here. Once I stopped taking it (and I didn't ever take enough to make me feel high, except this one disastrous occasion) I also felt my anxiety reduced (although this could have been as I had my scan etc) so I totally stopped taking any THC plant for months. In February I did try adding a small amount in with my high CBD mix, but did not notice any benefits, in fact when I stopped I felt my anxiety reduce again. So I dont think my body tolerates the THC well.

Last year I ordered these Dinamed CBD plus which grew really well, but this year they were not in stock so I am trying Queen CBD 20:1 which suited many of the reasons I chose to take them including Anxiety, Fibromyalgia, PTSD and Stress. I will see how these grow this year!

I know that growing the plants is illegal in the UK, but my GP knows about it and says she could probably get me a medical cannabis prescription, but personally I'd rather use a plant that I have grown than a pharmaceutical type product any day... I know exactly whats in it and trust a plant more than a drug company. 

I am not taking it to get high, and have a far different reason to how many use it. In my eyes if the legal drug - alcohol - is available to all, so should cannabis. I fully believe if enough people start growing their own for medical reasons we can stop the criminalisation and make it a valid treatment for many. You can also chose to buy a CanCard if you want the extra reassurance.  

If all these brain injury patients above recommend it, then it should be available to all - a years supply for the price of 3 seeds, some compost and a greenhouse. 🌱

 

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A psychological war?

I've been rather silent recently, I honestly feel I have nothing positive to say, nothing cheerful or inspiring to write.

I am stuck indoors most of the day, unable to go out and meet anyone, the activities I used to go stopped long ago, even my own parents have banned me from visiting. My life as it was before March just forgotten about. Unable to go to a gig to unwind and relax for a while - only once they stopped did I fully realise how much they used to help me both physically and mentally by keeping me active and also healing me in so many ways. From enjoying the music, to talking to people, to having to coordinate my body and brain in setting up the PA and guitars while not falling over wires. It challenged and helped strengthen and rewire my brain!

Last summer was bad enough, I had my garden to relax and sunbathe in, as well as growing and cutting back plants which also helped me coordinate myself and watching nature to relax. But since the weather means I am unable to relax outside, I have spent days at a time indoors, often in tears. Just wondering how much longer we can go on with barely any income, stuck in a small house all day and night. Some days if my family are in the front room and it's too much or I want to do something quiet I end up spending much of the day sitting on my bed. 😔

Then a couple of weeks ago I had just finished my dog walk round the park (the highlight of my day now!) and was sitting on 'my tree' at the exit, when I suddenly had this feeling of my Nan and Gran (who decades ago both used to live off the same road as me) and the simultaneous thought that:

 "This is what WW3 feels like, we are at war".

 

Was it was the same feeling of dread and unknowing that they had felt at the start of WW2..? Powerless ... Fear ... Propaganda ... Dividing others into 'them' and 'us' ... Not giving us facts and stopping those with an alternative viewpoint ... Not knowing what would happen ... Not knowing what would happen to our loved ones... 

WW3 is here but this time it's a silent psychological war.

People are literally attacking you for not following what they believe in, be it the wearing of a mask, social distancing or a vaccine. People are being divided into 'them' and 'us' no matter what view you have. They are idiots for following orders, they are idiots for not...

It seems many people are too terrified to listen to even the most basic of 'alternative information' (eg anything not from the BBC, or the mainstream media and newspapers.) Not even able to comprehend there may be another side to the story different to what is being shouted every day and night from the 5 differently run mainstream media groups. (Yes all TV and media is run by 5 different people)

Yet many have not even read the information from the 1000s of doctors, scientists and researchers who say the PCR tests are useless, the deaths shouldn't be recorded as Covid if, for example, they die of terminal cancer but they are within 28 days of a 'positive (faulty) test, that this is not a 'traditional vaccine' but an 'experimental medical treatment'. (Some listed on a previous blog post)

All the vaccines are still in trial stage. (Look on their inserts) Vaccines normally have between 5 and 20 years of testing, so clearly they have not been tested long term.Yes, more people may have been working on them, but they cannot speed up safety trials and what happens after a year, or 5. They were not tested in people with other medical conditions, the young or the old. There is no data on fertility - women were made to be taking contraception before starting the trial. They do not have the normal medicine marketing authorisation, but a temporary authorisation. What happens if they trigger cancer, or an enhanced immune response after a few months? Most people are not knowing that rna vaccines have never got past animal experiments before as the animals either died upon exposure to the real virus, had serious auto immunity issues, or were made infertile as the rna attacked the placenta causing miscarriage.

The Astrazeneca one instead having chimpanzee virus, mixed with aborted fetus cells by genetic engineering. (see here for the government website details) Sorry, but have you ever heard that SV40 - which has caused millions of deaths from cancer - was believed to have been given to people via polio vaccines that used monkeys in the manufacturing process? Or HIV is thought to be started from similar use of primates with SIV in vaccine manufacture? See the SV40 cancer foundation, The Lancet, the National Geographic. 

This was mentioned in even mainstream articles late last year, but have now been 'fact checked' as false ..! So even when scientists have genuine concerns about the vaccine, the media is not allowed to let you know these concerns. Make out you are an idiot for not trusting them as a (paid) 'fact checker' has proved otherwise!! 😬 Its far easier to not get someone to actually research for themselves when they are told they are listening to 'fake news' and must be an anti vax, conspiracy theorist to even question it. So as most don't want to appear stupid or believe our government is not purely trying its best, don't even question.

Yet despite many of these concerns or details being on the actual vaccine insert, or written in medical articles (such as a reviewed Pub Med articles) written by scientists, you cannot tell people. Videos from Doctors concerned with the vaccine are removed from the internet - free speech has gone. (This is here at the moment)

Social media bans or removes even your 100% 'factual' comments (such as info on the vaccine insert), people ridicule you without even doing a single piece of research of their own. (Although strangely as I have been following these issues for years I, like many others, have actually predicted many of these conspiracy theories which have since become conspiracy fact, or potential fact... like saying they wanted to introduce 'mandatory' vaccines (although its not legally mandatory, people have been told they will lose their job if they don't comply) or vaccine passports, saying vitamin c can cure all sorts of viruses and infections, autism is triggered by vaccines, that they want to stop cash...)

I feel that I am unable to even warn people as they go off to 'battle the virus' with their vaccination and yet feel they are now just playing Russian Roulette with their life, they are in a medical trial without even getting paid, and one that if it goes wrong they cannot do anything about. 😔 (You can't detox if some of the concerned scientists are correct and your DNA is changed)

I am now hearing from friends that they know people in care homes (who have been unable to see their family for 10 months) dying shortly after they had the vaccine. Apparently care homes are having a huge increase in deaths. This plan, whatever it is, clearly isn't working for their benefit. 

We are fed fear 24/7. The death stats are daily. A new strain. A more deadly strain. You will die, or kill Granny, if you don't wear your mask, if you dare meet up with someone else, even someone who is well... as you may be a spreader! 

 

Fear and stress = lowered immunity.

 

Plus there is the nocebo effect that no one even mentions... 

If you believe you will get ill, or have a positive test then you could well get sick, feel worse or even die 

- purely from this belief. 

 

I heard about this a few years ago when I heard David Hamilton talk about the nocebo effect, some of which is written here. Web MD and Psychology Today also have good info. Yet when was the last time you heard a positive mainstream media, or government article on Covid? One telling you to take high dose Vitamin C at the start of any signs. That combined with Vitamin D and |Zinc you can build your immunity up to lessen your chances of even getting it. Telling you to do things to reduce your fear and stress?

It's been a farce over the last 10 months or so, the government constantly changing its 'rules'. The outright lies. The twisted stats. The controlling. Making out you are a Granny killer if you don't do as you are told. (Almost all of them disputed by prominent virologists etc) Yet even psychopaths don't make their lies this obvious. 

 

How many have died from stress, depression, loneliness and the nocebo effect alone?

 

... So as I was sitting on my tree, I just sobbed with my Nan and Gran in this realisation. I felt them trying to give me strength 💜 While also hearing the comment from Hermione, in the Harry Potter books, when she fully realises that Voldemort is back "Everything's going to change now, isn't it?"

 

And yes I fully believe this is a psychological war...

...and one people need to wake up to if we are going to be able to win.

 

 

 

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Scanxiety and Medical Cannabis

After the horrendous experience during and after my last MRI scan I'd decided for the last couple of weeks to take some cannabis tea. Using lots of the ground leaves so it should have more CBD in it as well as THC. The CBD oil I had bought and had been using for several months was now only giving me very limited benefits.

My logic being it might help calm me and also help treat the neurological issues I still have. It seemed to be working as a few teaspoons of tea a day just lowered my stress levels, and the shaking inside seemed to stop.

But on Thursday, I came downstairs to see letters written by the NHS on the table. I saw the logo and felt totally sick to the stomach. Even though a few seconds later I realised they were routine letters for other things and two were not even addressed to me, the internal stress didn't go with this knowledge and I still felt really anxious a couple of hours later...

So I decided to make some more weed tea and once it was done took a mouthful, as I had done with the last batch. I few hours later I took another gulp and after hour or so another...

I felt calmer, very slightly wobbly, but nothing worse than I have for the last 4 years, I was even going to post a comment saying:

 "So basically my brain has felt like it's been high

for the last few years,🤔

Maybe I should accept this feeling more? 😂" 

I felt fine and made dinner ... Although felt slightly more wobbly as I was finishing my meal. Thought I'd have some ice cream and ate a bit, then tried to look at my phone and forgot what I was doing as I was doing it. 

Then my head spun.
The full going in circles like being on a fairground ride... 
The memory of waking up after brain surgery and then first trying to sit up... Everything blurry...
The trying to eat when my world was spinning... 
The thinking I would pass out... 
Not knowing if it was panic or a brain response, but that fear was not helping one bit... 
The violent, feel sick to your stomach, nausea.

I all but ran up to bed crying and shaking. Nothing would stop the revolving vision. Me feeling totally unsure if it was having too much tea or what...

I'd not had that much more than previously, although it was another, maybe stronger, brew and still warm. I was not able to remember how much I'd had, I couldn't quantify a mouthful to know if it was too much or not?

My thoughts still not sure if it was the tea, a panic attack or my brain was fucking up again...

I knew I'd had a vestibular neuritis episode a few weeks after my last MRI. Maybe that was the link?

Anyway, I won't bore you with the next few hours nightmare thoughts, but fair to say I relived every single fear, trauma or sensation I had before, during and after my brain surgery. 😱 Each memory seemed like it was coming up to remind me I'd felt it, maybe not fully faced it, and that somehow it still traumatised me. That I'd not processed these fears yet and never really discussed them out loud.

I had visions of walking to the toilet in hospital ...
when I couldn't see anything as my world was spinning so much ...
crying alone in hospital as I felt so terrified and tired ...
reminders of blurry, spinning vision ... 

and the ultimate terror of feeling I was drifting off while laying in theatre as I was given anesthetic for my surgery - Not knowing if I would actually wake up again nor be able to walk or talk OK if I did ...

I had horrendously strong memory of every fucking traumatic experience while feeling dizzy before and after my brain surgery, as well as every severe panic attack that I'd ever had where I'd felt out of control and dizzy.

All in one evening. 😰

It took over 2 hours for the violent spinning and feeling I would pass out to go. 2 hours that felt like days... Weeks... Months...Years. All compounded into one.

Yet part of me also felt totally stupid, I'd been sipping tea for a couple of weeks, why suddenly did I feel this horrid? Why did I drink an extra mouthful so close to the others? The one evening Dave wanted to go out...

I don't drink - I stopped when I was 18! I know I don't like the feeling. I am sensitive to almost every medical drug I've tried. If I have too much dark chocolate I get shakes from the caffeine, don't drink even a normal tea and certainly not coffee, sugar gives me a jittery rush, gluten or milk = belly pain and feeling slightly poisoned. I can taste a drop of alcohol in a glass of water... (Yes my kids tried it!)  I am all but in a coma from taking one antihistamine, I am a zombie on co-codamol, the Heparin injection I could feel for hours, I can't even have more than one paracetamol without nausea and Ibuprofen is worse- hence why I stopped pain killers 2 days after brain surgery!  I get like I am drunk just when I'm tired ... 🙈 What the hell was I thinking? 😬


I'd taken months to even take a sip of the tea as I was terrified of feeling wobbly again. I had only taken it before bed for a while, just to be sure I wouldn't feel it. Then one tablespoon only by day. Why the fuck did I sip it? I know I can't cope with feeling drugged! Since I was a kid if doctor's wanted to give me painkillers I refused as I'd rather have pain than this feeling...

Then I started panicking again that it wasn't the tea, but more brain episodes I can't cope with... only the fact that I couldn't stop drinking water reminding me that it probably wasn't that!😅

Eventually after midnight I felt calm and safe enough to go to sleep and not feel it would be the last thing I did. 😬

I woke about 9am Friday, still feeling shaky inside, still feeling slightly wobbly when I got up.

But mostly just like I'd had a battle with my nightmares and every bit of negativity my body knew and held on to.

I managed to get some porridge that was made for me, then just watched more TV and tried to stop myself getting stressed again. I knew I just needed to sleep more, brain surgery was a great teacher in knowing when my brain couldn't cope any more. Eventually I fell asleep and woke about 2 1/2 hours later. Feeling a bit better...

Yet wondering how anyone could have so much stress inside them and still function?!

I'm now too scared to drink anymore tea, feel an idiot, and like I have been reminded of all the darkness and fears... Anxiety, frustration and anger back to after surgery levels 😩

The only positive is that I know when you keep getting reminded of hell, you appreciate the light again better...🌞

 I then saw this picture show in my news feed the following day!

I'm not ashamed about using a plant that has been proven to heal many, many people of all sorts of issues. I have heard of several people controlling or even healing their brain tumours from taking it... Especially as it is known to be very good for all sorts of neurological problems as well as anxiety.

I am purely wanting to take a natural plant to IMPROVE my health, rather than relying on toxic pharmaceutical drugs that almost certainly damage it. 😕

I am far less ashamed than I would be if I chose to get drunk, and yet for some reason that is a totally acceptable thing to do. 🤔

I might just not take as much next time! 😁





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My Amazon Book Review

Every so often someone says something that upsets you. They have judged you on their beliefs and standards and can't, or don't want to, understand your point of view. I do understand this. 

But when it's on my reviews about my book it angers and confuses me too...

I really don't get much profit from my book (it's probably not a book you would read if you didn't have a brain tumour or need surgery 🤔) so sales are limited, but every penny helps. Along with the knowledge that it has helped others and so I hope each sale is a little bit of trust to someone else facing similar...💜

But this was the comment I recently found on my Amazon ratings:

1.0 out of 5 stars New age rubbish!
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 6 November 2019

One of the worse books I've ever read. Sorry about her illness but couldn't read another word about "angels'' and diatribes against having to use medicines and "evil doctors'' who SAVED HER LIFE!

So I am now feeling rather upset and wondering...

Will people not buy or read it because of someone else's comments? (someone has already found the comment helpful!) 

 

Did they stop reading as I said something they think is totally ridiculous? 

 

Do most people think I am stupid? 

 

Am I stupid?

Plus, also in November, I had someone ridicule me on my Facebook page by giving me a bad review because I said I'd stopped vaccinating my kids, knowing absolutely no reason why I'd stopped, just attacking me for my viewpoint!  Thankfully Facebook removed it. (as the review was nothing to do with my page)

I do realise that I am very much into alternative health, and confuse and even upset or anger many with my views - but are we not allowed to have 'different' opinions? Surely we all will see things differently, depending on what we have read, seen, heard, feel and have experienced?

I know I shouldn't need to have to explain myself, I don't need to explain my differences. But if I don't, how will others ever learn another's view...?

So anonymous Kindle Customer this is partly why I wrote my 'diatribe'... 

I have been into alternative heath from when I was in my late teens: my GP had given me a low dose antibiotic (tetracycline) for my acne from when I was about 12 years old, but within a year or so I had severe Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). I couldn't eat most things without feeling really ill after, had to drink a mint powder to calm the nausea once I had eaten. I spent most of my teenage years with stomach bloating, pain and feeling nauseous. 

During this time I kept seeing my GP and had them saying I was fine (whilst I'm sure all they did was pregnancy tests as I had nausea - they often asked for urine samples!) I went to a gastroenterologist, had a tube down my stomach at age 16 and yet nothing they said or did helped. Only the more 'natural' things I tried or avoiding certain foods helped - things I'd found out or been told by alternative health practitioners. I had asked my doctors so many times was my IBS linked to the antibiotics - as when I stopped them (which I had to every few months) it eased a little.  The response was always "no, it's definitely not related".

Roll on another few months, turning into years, and I read a dental nurse friend's medical book she had left at home which listed the side effects/reaction to drugs and sure enough a COMMON side effect of the antibiotics I was taking was nausea and stomach issues - basically the IBS symptoms I was suffering from!!! 😞😠

I stopped the antibiotics, although my stomach symptoms didn't fully stop with it, my gut was damaged by then. 

I will also add that a dermatologist at this time wanted me to take Roaccutane and thankfully told me some of the side effects. I would need eye drops for my contact lenses as it dries up all moisture, and also that if I accidentally became pregnant I would need the baby aborted due to the damage it would do to it! This kind of terrified me... if it damages a baby this much, what does it do to my own cells? I was informed enough to chose not to take it. The side effects of this drug have since shown to be awful, including making people suicidal and destroying many lives in the process😥.

When I had my eldest child a few years after I was terrified morning sickness would be worse than my IBS... but it was a walk in the park to what I had dealt with for years! 

30+ years later and my stomach has never fully recovered - I still cant eat wheat, have caffeine, alcohol or too much sugar and was diagnosed lactose intolerant years ago. (The doctors only believed me on that after they got test results... I didn't matter that I was on the loo all afternoon after drinking lactose for the test!😬)

My wisdom teeth were orange when removed (the dentist kept them to show medical students) and I later found out tetracycline can apparently damage your bones and growth. (I was the same height at 12 when I started taking them, as I am now 😑)  

But not once did anyone acknowledge this. 

Nor the fact that I shouldn't have been taking the damn antibiotics for almost 7 years anyway!!!!

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So basically I got into nutrition, healers, alternative therapists - homeopathy, reiki, bowen, craniosacral, osteopathy etc. I healed much of my gut with diet and didn't have many medical procedures for years. 

The few times I had mainstream treatment, maybe as I was used to looking at the causes and changing them instead of getting what I call an 'elastoplast' and covering symptoms, I was treated appallingly - including one consultant hurting me and saying "You have pelvic pain, what do you expect" after I all but screamed! 😡 And then actually laughing at me when I said I was trying homeopathy for 6 months and not accepting his laparoscopy just to 'explore'... He, still laughing, said he would see me in a year or so when things were worse. For what it's worth, I never went back as homeopathy, supplements and diet change helped, and so I didn't need to.

Since I started treating things holistically, it expands to all areas of your life. I stopped using mainstream chemical skincare and household products. I had, no drug, home births. (Again because of bad treatment with my first hospital birth- where Dr's went against my wishes in hospital causing issues for both me and my baby.😠) I co-slept with my kids. I breastfed them and never gave them formula. They had vaccine reactions - I asked questions, researched for YEARS and then stopped vaccinating. (The vaccine nurse actually going against the manufacturers vaccine insert and lying that my youngest son was fine to have his vaccines on time, when in fact he would have been contraindicated not to have them. Like I'd ever just trust them again after that?!😔) 

I found most things can be healed with time, sun, a good diet and the natural herbs and minerals our planet has given us. My youngest son has been to the Dr's twice since he was a tiny baby. I didn't take even a single paracetamol for 10 years, I had no need to... 

Hence why it was a BIG mind fuck when I 

needed urgent brain surgery!!! 

I was honestly as terrified they would give me a vaccine or a drug in hospital, when I wasn't aware or able to consent, and that could cause more future damage; as I was from having the op... 
  
...and yet many people still laugh at me for questioning it... 
Not trusting a profession who has hurt me many times and even got things so wrong they could have killed me in the past...


Not trusting things that are now being shown in places like the What Doctors Don't Tell You book, and many of the 'fake news' websites! Or the fact that medical errors are the THIRD leading cause of death in the USA.

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Plus of course you can also add in the fact that my GP's had missed the fact I had almost every sign of a brain tumour for months, said "no" even when I asked them "could it be a brain tumour?" and refused to refer me twice to a neurologist on my requests. Then the health ombudsman ignored my case and basically said it was acceptable treatment!! (There is all the PHSO info elsewhere on my blog, and I am certainly not the only one where they have upheld part of my complaint, whilst ignoring the more serious concerns - see phso the true story)   

Science should continue to change -   
just like it has since cigarettes and thalidomide were 
promoted in pregnancy.

New things being discovered and finding out old things dont work.

But its treated like a religion where you cannot question the narrative...

Even if you look at most pharmaceutical drugs side effects or efficacy rate you might be shocked at how low the % of people helped can be. Look at placebo studies - they are fascinating as they often work as well as an expensive drug, or that placebo knee operations work as well as the real thing. (just look at David Hamilton's work.) Often many natural herbs, or IV vitamin c work as well, or better, as the best drugs on the market, but as they cannot be patented its not offered as a treatment - no one makes any money!!! Same as you cannot mention other cancer 'cures' due to the 1939 cancer act... even though many things have PROVEN results of even terminal cancer patients who are well again. Including nutrition, cannabis oil, GcMAF etc ... (The truth about cancer is a good place to start.)

So Kindle customer ... I truly hope these things change soon, its a scary world where our kids might be drugged and not given chances purely due to profit... 

 

Plus I would also like to let you know that if you read the rest of my book, you would find out that I am forever thankful for Mr Jones for his amazing skills that I admit saved my life. 

💜

You may also notice I dedicated my book to him and have given him a 5* review on I want great care. 

💜

I also went out of my way to fund raise for St George's hospital. 

💜

I can fully accept Dr's save our lives 💜 Although I wish more would admit that sometimes they don't know, aren't sure, even need to google or ask others doctor's opinions or expertise.  Some just need to accept the fact we are not machines and don't all work the same!  Or that information has moved on since they were at medical school and their pharmaceutical reps don't tell them everything. 😑 Or tell us we dont have something - as the symptoms we have were not signs of it in their medical books!!!

Another whole topic in itself would also be how they are expected to cope with the shifts and workload they are given on the NHS and expected to not make mistakes. I know the 5 nights I was in hospital, several times I heard one nurse explaining to another that someone had accidentally had a drug too early or similar. We all make mistakes when tired and overworked... and this, and much of the medical system, really needs to change for the amazing people who I believe are doing their best to help us 💜 

Oh and re the angels - 

I hope you aren't religious and pray to a 'mysterious god' of any kind? 

Nor ever have the need to trust in something greater than us. 

The prayer that gets us through...  

...actually, with the world as it is, I take being 'New Age' as a compliment! 😁

Finally, if anyone has read 'It's all in my Head' 

and it has helped them in any way would like to leave a review on Amazon... 

please do so. 💜 

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Guidance & Path Finder

I have had an emotional weekend. No, make that a funny few weeks with emotions coming up in every part of my life to be sorted. It has not been fun, or easy...although I have got to the point I cannot handle things as they are and so sorting them needs doing...

It started with not even getting an interview for a (brain) charity position I volunteered for.

Where I said the reason I was applying was as I was a brain injury sufferer (as was one of the requirements they wanted) and want to change things, giving details of what I had written and done since my surgery.

I was offering my time for FREE and did not even get an interview! 

How's that for helping you feel you are useless?!

Then I went to a local holistic event yesterday. I'd totally forgotten about it, but it popped up on my phone so I decided to go along as it felt right.

After I got there I walked to the 'workshop' room and was chatting to a woman there waiting - who just happened to be presenting. It was very interesting as her talk was about how the brain can be reprogrammed, and how negative self talk harms our brain, and with it our health...

Which, coincidentally or not, I have been actively trying to just observe and listen to myself these last few weeks...

Part of what she explained was how you would never speak to a friend with the negativity you say to yourself, yet most of us to this and never even question it.

& I realised I'm the worst friend I'd ever have...

Plus I very much need to remember these words:

"I am enough."

Anyway a while later I walked past this same woman at her stand and chatted about part of my cerebellum being missing and does she think the therapy she does would still work? How I feel that my belief and emotions have got more negative since a year or so after surgery.

Directly after my operation, I was sure my cerebellum would be able to re route all the damage - as after all the cerebellum has the most neurons in the brain, therefore giving it the most chance to reroute itself easily.

Now I just feel I have a chunk of brain missing, and a part of me went with it...

I struggle with things because of it, can't easily do the things that used to bring me joy.. and no one cares or will help me try and improve it.. I am stuck by myself.


She showed me a metaphysical meaning book "Metaphysical Anatomy" that was much more detailed that others I had read in the past and when I read the brain tumour personality description I could only agree with most of the words... this was me to a tee..  
I'm buying a copy ASAP!!
 
For some reason I started talking to her about the fact that after my surgery, I felt I could do something. I had a purpose in being able to help others go though a similar experience. So I wrote a book, blog posts, articles etc to help them, as I felt better than I ever did before... plus I could earn a few £s with it, so it would work both ways ...

...but nothing much is working. I don't get much of an income, only a handful of people a year say anything has helped. 

Much of the time I don't even know if it has helped anyone as I dont get any comments...so is it even worth it?? (I totally appreciate that when you are struggling with your own health and life, thanking others is way down the list of things to do!)

Then I mentioned what my neurosurgeon advised me about not doing any more work with brain charities etc and 'moving on with my life'... and well maybe the universe is telling me this too when I didn't even get the volunteer position?! That I need to do something else...but what???

...just what...?

My enjoyment of art, painting and drawing, is gone as I cannot see or coordinate to paint or even to do a dot-to-dot or colouring book as I once could...
Crochet is a struggle while feeling my hands are vibrating and doing the wrong thing...
How do I manage sewing, embroidery etc when I struggle to even thread a needle?..
My hands feel useless when I even put on my jewellery, let alone try to hold it to make any...

I know people can learn all sorts of new skills... but I am too scared to try again and I know I struggled to even sell things last time, when I could do them easier and better, it just seems pointless even trying now.

She said to me that maybe I will get a new path showing soon, just continue doing things that feel good. 

That, yes, my surgeon was right in that when you keep focusing on the worst thing that has happened to you - your body cant ever let go. You are reminding yourself daily. Subconsciously telling your brain negative messages again and again.

Exactly what I do daily...

I need new messages. 

I wandered away, looking round the rest of the holistic stalls, letting myself be drawn to whatever felt right. I had wandered round most of them, none feeling like it was anything that would be right for me, what I needed now.


Until I got to a stall by a company called Healing Forest where they had the most amazing smelling products made of Palo Santo and pendants made from this wood.

They all were lovely in their own way but  I was drawn to one engraved with a wolf paw - the sign next to it saying

'Guidance & Path Finder'. 

But the pendant shape was oblong and looked too a bit too masculine. I asked if they had it in other shapes and sure enough they had another one in an oval - perfect.  I ended up buying some essential oil & natural incense sticks from the wood too.  It was only after I realised the oil is used for anxiety, depression, headaches and emotional trauma... 

I am now trusting I get the guidance I need. 

When I got back home, I looked up the book on Amazon, and sure enough it has loads of great reviews. But also written by the author is another book "Finding Your Own Voice, Your past can control who you are, until you find your own voice" ... I might be looking at that book too! 

💖

                                                                 






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Balance Beams

Almost every day I take my dog, Enzo, for a walk around the local park. Often I also use the outdoor gym there. More often when it's dry and sunny, and not very frequently in a wet winter.

Since I started using the gym in spring 2017 I have tried to use a balance beam most of the times I go there. After a few months I was able to walk it most times without falling off, so I started testing my balance by looking from side to side and up and down at various speeds and angles while I stand on it - trying not to fall off! (Sorry for the swearing if you have ever seen me there! 😬)

Sometimes I feel I am able to walk along it and turn quite well - as long as I keep looking down at where I am walking! Yet on other days even with looking at my feet, I struggle to walk along it without wobbling. Struggle to turn around, and cannot look up, or to the side, without falling off.

This difference has never seemed to link to anything obvious. Apart from I am not very good if I have just used the gym and my legs are weak!! 😂



The hardest part I find to cope with is that sometimes I am useless for a few days, or even weeks at a time. Then I start to worry if this is the first sign of another problem with my cerebellum... so I get stressed and worried about it, and then inevitably I start to wobble more! 😔

Once I have a few days of improvement then it reassures me that my brain is probably alright and it was one of those things, after all I did have a 3cm tumour removed that was embedded in my brain.

In my cerebellum - the part that controls balance. 

Before surgery I could not even put my heel to toe, so I remind myself how amazingly our bodies heal and the fact I can even stand on it at all is something to be proud of.

It's the same when I wear heels when I go out. My favourite boots are not that high, and I normally feel quite balanced in them, yet sometimes I can stagger and wobble as I walk. (Actually make that frequently! 😂)

Yet I accept this issue better. Maybe as it is most often only when I am tired, stressed, or carrying something. But also that when I was a teen I had my toes pinned, the tendons cut and so lost sensation from them. So I have never had great balance in heels since. Needing to wear boots as my ankles are very narrow never helped much either. So wobbling in heels is something I have done for many years! 😬 Although I do wonder how much my balance issues for many years were caused from my head after all?!

Anyway, when I went to Arundel Castle last week I realised that my balance was probably better than many people's. (see my previous blog about the steps!) I just need to be sensible as I know I can wobble if I turn quickly, or look up etc.

I also have had some Bowen Therapy recently (from Alison at www.bowenarrow.co.uk) and I wonder how much that has helped me in the fact it has realigned my body better? I have felt better in general since I went... 😊 I also had some treatment from Alison just after my surgery and I especially felt it  helped realign my neck where the muscles had been cut, as well as my body in general. It stopped my neck leaning to the left - even when I felt it was straight,! Plus it also helped with the dizziness and coordination. Maybe it has just helped my body heal again to another level?

So when I have used the balance beam the last few days I have felt better at it. I have managed to stand and turn looking around without falling off. 😊

No doubt I will wobble again and some point soon, but I will remind myself to not stress about it. 😬

.

My 10 Alternative Must Have’s for After Brain Surgery

1. Arnica homeopathy tablets

I found Arnica tablets amazing pain killers and they don't cause me any stomach issues that conventional pain killers do. The best bit is it doesn't cause side effects and you can take homeopathy alongside any other medication you need. I would suggest that you get 'permission' from the hospital to use it before your surgery as initially I was not 'allowed' it until the pharmacy checked it was OK. Just after surgery I really couldn't cope with this argument - so I just shouted at them until they allowed me to take it!😬 ... (Please note this is not the same for Herbal Arnica, which the hospital pharmacy said can interfere with medications and I definitely couldn't use)

As my vision and coordination were struggling I put a tablet in a bottle of water and took regular sips of it, but you can also take as directed. 200c is stronger than 30c, but you can often get 30c in many chemists easily - you just need to take them more often! 

2. Arnica cream. 

Putting Arnica cream on my neck an inch or so away from the scar felt like someone giving me a cooling neck massage. (You should not apply it to any wound, much less one on your head) I asked someone to rub it in about 4 x a day and again it really felt like it reduced the pain and bruising associated with surgery.

3. Homeopathy kit 

I also used remedies from a homeopathy kit, I specifically used Hypericum for the nerve damage and Phosphorus which helped with the stomach bloating, pain and nausea after anesthetic. But speak to a homeopath if you are not already using homeopathy.  

4. Ginger tea. 

Ginger Tea sorted out my dodgy stomach pain and nausea each time almost as soon as I drunk it! I had to drink Ginger several times when at home as paracetamol made me nauseous, as did looking at screens or being in a car. I just wish they had it in the hospital!

5. Manuka honey.

Manuka Honey was so soothing and healing for the after effects caused from the tube down my throat during surgery. Having a raw throat had meant it was hard to swallow …but a couple of spoonfuls of honey a few times within one day and this soreness had gone - the scratchiness and pain just disappeared. Alternatively raw honey will be healing too- just don't buy cheap processed heated honey, make sure it's raw. 

6. Pillows

A V shaped pillow, cuddly toy or small pillow were so helpful. I was given a soft toy by a friend when she found out I was ill, I only took it to hospital as my youngest son also had a cuddly toy rabbit at home and we agreed he could hug his and I would hug my similar cuddly toy so we could both get a hug when apart. 😊

But…it was amazing! When one side of my head was swollen after surgery, I could put the toy on the other side and prop myself up. Sometimes I just used the ears or thinner legs of it, other times the whole body of it. I could even just put it under my neck to one side and wedge myself straight that way. So much more practical than hospital pillows! (A small pillow or flexible travel pillow might work as well)

When I came home I used a v-pillow, again this was bliss as I could prop my head within the v – leaving the scar and sore areas not touching anything. Although I often swapped it around with a small sofa cushion or the cuddly toy so I was able to move from one supportive pillow to another as I was unable to stay still for too long without it hurting.

With Cuddly toy and iPod! The day after surgery.

7. iPod.

I needed to keep sounds out and not be distracted by all the bleeps etc, especially as the mixture of steroids and brain surgery sent me into high alert. A simple bleep sounded like an alarm clock in my brain! It also gave me something to listen to, relax to, try to meditate etc… plus drown out the awful sounds of others in the ward groaning as in pain. It seriously kept me sane! 😬 If you can manage the sounds better and don't need totally distracting then maybe ear plugs and a eye mask would be better?

8. Stretchy Clothes

You need clothes you can pull up over your hips if possible. You do not want anything going over your head, you cant even get your arms up there anyway! Nor would you want buttons if at all possible as they are really uncomfortable to lean on. I just lived in stretchy leggings , a stretchy t-shirt type vest that I could pull over my hips, and a cropped bra top that also did the same. These were comfy enough to sleep in too.

I also had a loose black wrap type cardigan that as well as keeping my shoulders warm, I could pull over my eyes and use as a face mask when I wanted to sleep, without covering my whole face. Or use it to block out the lights - which was very much needed. 

9. New Hair Comb. 

After surgery my hair was glued away from my scar, sticking up like something from a zombie movie, and I was told to gently brush the glue out. I didn't want to use an old comb with germs on near my scar and so had to get my husband to buy a new de-tangling comb and soft hair bands. If I had known I would have bought them beforehand.

10. Frankincense Oil.

I had used Frankincense oil before my surgery, but didn't use it while I was taking any medication in hospital (it was bad enough getting them to agree to my homeopathy!) and then I didn't remember to take it for a week or so after. But when I did I think of taking it again it seemed to help with my headaches and possibly even help the fluid that was in my head and neck disperse. (I had this fluid checked by my Neurosurgeon and it was not putting pressure on my brain or needing a shunt) There are growing studies to say Frankincense can help with cerebral edema, and even brain tumours. (I have a few links on my website here)

Even using it as a fragrance in the room was helpful and relaxing, you can also use it (diluted) on your skin or even take a drop of it internally. (But do check this for yourself and if it could interfere with any medication) I have found rubbing on my skin a couple of drops near my temples, and/or near my scar, can stop a headache.

Make sure you buy a good quality essential oil as some are just cheap fragrance. I used doTerra as I know they have a high safety testing, and so signed up to get it at wholesale discount. Please buy from me or buy elsewhere if you prefer. x