Monday 18 November 2019

Accepting Myself after Brain Surgery

This is not a post to brag about me, as I know I am far from perfect.

But this week I have had 3 people tell me how they love me, how amazing I am, and they just wanted me to know and realise this fact 💜 and then just gave me a hug right where I stood 💜 Plus a few other people who have spontaneously hugged me!


It has so helped me feel better about myself 💜


As ... sometimes it's hard to keep being 'you' in a world that wants you to be something different, a world that judges you on what you look like, every mistake you make and where what you possess equals how admired you are.



On lots of these I don't have much. 

Up until a couple of months ago I was starting to become totally depressed with 'me'.

The fact I still say wrong words so often after my brain surgery, the fact I'm so often fatigued, I have no money, barely any monetary possessions, no qualifications, many of the skills I had went a bit AWOL along with my tumour surgery & I realised I certainly had PTSD from it... plus I have certainly been feeling and looking my age. 🤔

A couple of months ago I realised I needed to let go of the 'shoulds', and to accept my 'faults' as they are.

Accept the 'new me'.

I would have been dead if it wasn't for an amazing team, led by Mr Jones who took my tumour out. They gave me another chance.

I realised again something that I knew inside but had been buried in the changes in my life ...

So what if I sometimes get the word wrong, 
struggle with feeling shattered, worthless or don't live up to 'normal'. 
So what if I don't look 20 any more, I'm fucking lucky to still be here. 

Heck I was born with red hair 
... I was born to be 'me' stand out and be a little different. 
I've always had a bit of rebel in me, 
so why am I taming and changing myself now? 

I went through the hell of surviving a brain tumour, the total and utter physical and mental exhaustion, the terror, the having to accept, having to trust... The comments and judgements that still happen when I'm tired or my brain and body have not yet woken. Their judgements, when no one knows anything about me, nor my life... 

The fully letting go of how others see me, after all how can you do anything else when you have been seen at your worst for months, where you spent most the time crying, feeling awful and you cannot even see well enough to put make up on if you wanted. 😑 Not that at the time I cared one bit. It was the last thing on my mind!  You totally lose the illusion that it matters.

Who wants to be a cloned, fake Barbie doll anyway? 
I like being REAL...

I never wanted to me anyone else but me,
so why was I getting so stressed with what I couldn't do now? 

I let myself off the hook. Stopped judging me. Stopped getting upset with my struggles and focusing on my positives and improvements instead. 

During the months of brain surgery recovery, where it took so long to wake myself up each morning and even longer to open my eyes. Part of me stopped judging with my eyes, and instead feeling with my heart. I needed to keep 'seeing' things that way...

Do I actually give a shit if I have wrinkles or an odd white hair? No, as if I shut my eyes I don't see that, I feel my soul. 

I have learnt so many lessons during the past few years...  Of what really matters.

After surgery I had been hit with the realisation that I had spent years, decades, worrying over so many issues, but how many had actually come true? Probably less than a handful!

But had a ever worried about getting a brain tumour? Not for more than about a minute! Did I get one anyway? 🤔🙄 And if I had thought about it, what would worrying about it have actually helped... ? Absolutely nothing. Just made me feel worse for far longer.

But for several months this realisation went again, disappearing with the daily struggles, the why's and the feelings of stuckness. 

I know I could easily worry about so much just from my head symptoms alone, and can easily think is it my tumour returning. However I had been talking to the lovely Ivana who reminded me how my thoughts create my experience. 

I could either see my half numb head and it's increasingly itchy or sore scalp sensations as a sign of a problem or that, instead, my nerves and muscles that were cut in surgery might be growing back and healing themselves? Sensations returning. Yes it might be that they are very weird at the moment, but which of these thoughts will make me feel better? 🤔

I also fully realised I'm an empath. I feel others emotions (the strange sensations are very often not my own) and their pain that I often don't think they fully realise. I am someone who will happily hug another person in this understanding.

It's fine for me to do what I need to reset myself. 
To be me. 
The full unabridged version of me.

With that... My mood nearly changed overnight! 😁💜

And my happiness, and hug levels, have rapidly increased  💜


Tuesday 5 November 2019

Words - Do You Think or Feel Them?

As you may have heard me say, I go to my husband's (and son's) gigs at local pubs and clubs most weekends. I often sit alone, and often end up singing to myself!😁

Yet many a time I have realised I only remember some of the lyrics, and I am a few seconds behind with the words I do know, like I have to hear them to remember them. 😬

It annoys and upsets me.
I get frustrated with myself and my slow brain.

As does any situation where I cannot find the words for what I want to say, when I want to say them. The more I try and think, getting frustrated that I cannot remember, the more I seem to not be able to say things easily...

If I am explaining something when I have time and feel calm - it's fine. If someone is rushing, I feel I need to give a quick response, or I am feeling stressed - I might as well just point to things, as it would probably be more effective!

I say "It's in the kitchen", when I am standing in that room and mean the lounge. Or sometimes even contradict myself and then add "No, no, the lounge, I mean the kitchen, no, the lounge, I mean the lounge, on the sofa." 😬

Or if I am wanting to say the table, but am looking at the sofa I just say the object I am looking at... or it can be what I am reading, or thinking ... Yes I have said a few rather awkward things. 😬 Like this incident I posted on my Facebook page a couple of months ago:

"Dave tells me he saw the dog pee on my mint plants in the garden today (I had just picked some mint for dinner)
The response in my head, and what I thought I said:
"I picked it from the top of the plant, he can't get his leg that high"

My actual response (as witnessed by 3 of my family)
"I picked it from the top of the plant, he can't get his dick that high" 😳😬😂

It's like my brain is simply not fully awake, getting stressed and then randomly choosing a word from the multiple choice list in my head!

Anyway, back to the singing...

Last night I had to put on my music quite loud to drown out the sound of the fireworks for my rather anxious Collie, and as I was alone with loud music I decided to go for some sing along rock to add to my playlist, much of them sentimental songs from my childhood or when I was a teen back in the early 90s.

At the start I was trying to remember the words, as I felt it would help me just by singing them... (some of the songs I had just found in playlists on Spotify and so I hadn't heard them more than a couple of times on the radio in decades) and yet the more I tried to think what the words were, the more I was a few seconds late in singing them, if I remembered the words at all.

 Then I just gave up and tried to 'feel' the words instead of 'think' them ...  and suddenly I remembered  lyrics from songs that I hadn't heard for 20 or 30 years.

Somehow as the next line appeared it just was there in my conscience, if I stopped 'trying' to find it I 'just knew'...

I had a great hour or so singing along to old Fleetwood Mac, Gerry Rafferty and Rolling Stones, although I'm not so sure if the dog did.  😂

I guess it's all but the same as when someone asks you the name of another person and you just go blank, and the more you think about it the more you just cannot remember. But as soon as you say "I can't remember" and look away and then look back at the person you can just instantly say their name without thinking!

Plus I know that since my brain surgery I also do a similar thing with even quite common words, whether I am writing them down or saying them. It takes a while for the word to appear in my head and I have to either think of all similar words that are close in describing it or shut up and just wait for it to appear.

This was also a clearer example of a recent realisation I had when I was talking to a friend. She was someone who I felt comfortable with and able to express 'me' without having to worry how I sounded or what she would think of, or how she would judge me. We had chatted for about an hour when I suddenly realised that not once did I feel frustrated or stuck for a word. Yes sometimes, I guess, I was trying to discuss an emotion and it took a few words to get to the root of the feeling, but generally as my conversation was about my thoughts and feelings and not superficial things ...

I just knew the words ... as they were 'me'!

So just like feeling the music, I am planning to slow myself down and 'feel' answers rather than having to 'think' them...

I'll keep you posted. 💜


Sunday 3 November 2019

No One There...

A while back I was sitting in the car listening to the radio when an advert started, it was from the Metropolitan Police saying "If you are ever the victim of a car theft or break in then you can report it online"

I double checked with my husband what they had said.

"So they seriously think it's acceptable to have someone break in your house, steal your items and then you email them?!"

What happened to times when a local police officer came round ASAP, looked for finger prints if they thought it would help and seemingly tried to get a resolution on the case. Find the culprit and prosecute them.

Now you may have even seen the person who you think may have been involved, know some of their details of where they were going (with YOUR stolen items) yet you email them instead?!

I can only imagine how awful and neglected you feel as you don't even have a police officer listening - someone you feel 'may' be able to do something about it. Get your items back, some justice and stop them doing the same to others in the future...

Yet now, for whatever reason, it seems like they don't care. 
The people you thought would help 
don't do more than take your details.

But imagine you have details of the burglar, they spoke to you beforehand. You had trusted them to do a job at your house. You told them your concerns about the valuable items you had, you had even written it down to clarify it. While there they said things that showed they realised how valuable your items were but they said they had secured them.  That on a later occasion you even saw them carrying items from your house to their car, not knowing what they were...

But when you tell this to the police and they question the burglar, and give you their response - that they never said these words, that you were fine with them taking the items, that the incidents you and a friend both saw and heard didn't happen.

Then to make it worse, as they are a respected member of the community their word is taken over yours. How can you prove what you said and what they told you? You know they said things that would clearly incriminate them, but no one is listening.


They even lied about some things you know they didn't do or say but you have no proof.


Why would you video a conversation you had before you knew there was a problem?

You report it to the police and while they take your information, you get no support. No help in writing up your side of the story or checking they have details they need, you have to find your own witnesses, no help from a lawyer, nothing. But you still produce all the evidence you can find. Adding why you feel they are saying what they are now, and not what they did. Saying that you struggled for months after this incident, replaying it in your mind, knowing how much their actions hurt you. What they stole. How much you lost. You are still in shock from the incident, others have agreed their actions hurt you physically and emotionally, the lies just rubbing salt in the wounds.

Then, eventually, your case comes to court, and you have every hope that any judge who reads your info will do it justice. You don't want them locked up, just held accountable for what they did. Say sorry to you in person. Pay you back for what they stole and the direct expense you encountered from their actions. Maybe a contribution to your struggle and tears. But more importantly, to be fully held accountable, so it won't happen to anyone else.

You have faith that the 'truth will out' but after you give your evidence, your case is held in secret. 

You were alone, yet they had friends, family and support of others as they are a respected person. They also have both experience in knowing what to say and a legal team to advise them. Plus they are able to respond to each of your concerns and get the final say on what happened. You were never allowed to question them or hear any of what was said.

So after all this you get told that a small one of their actions was wrong...
... they shouldn't have shut the door in your face after they stole from you! 

But everything else they did was acceptable as they 'didn't mean to', and they are normally a respectable and helpful citizen. 

They didn't think the items they stole were yours or would hurt you. Their lies were believed (after all you cannot prove otherwise) and so they were just told to get their boss to say sorry.

Their boss can't even be bothered to sign the letter he supposedly wrote.

You feel sick, angry, upset, disgusted, violated, hurt 
and completely worthless. 
Your word was nothing. 

You are nothing and they don't care. 
No one cares.

But you still believe it was an accident on the judges part. Maybe you didn't explain it correctly? So you spend weeks writing your points again for an appeal, explaining how it happened. It takes months for a second secret hearing. 11 months in fact.

When you do finally get a reply they tell you that they haven't even read it as you didn't supply new evidence. But you did. YOUR evidence. It doesn't count.

Then you realise that they took so long with the case it is beyond the time limit for a private prosecution (even if you had the money.) You feel disgusted, unfairly treated and so angry. You know they are continuing working and none of their other customers know they steal... 

... That's how it is dealing with the Health Ombudsman. 

A total farce.