Empty Inside

How can I explain to you,

What I can't even understand myself.

That I just feel empty inside.

Or that a part of me feels broken.

Just following the motions in living,

but half of me just feels dead.

I don't want to die, 

just not too sure I want to live either.

Well at least not like this.

I feel useless.

Worthless as I am.

Constantly a burden to you all.

When I'm tired, I can't think.

I can't cope with my body.

Don't want the constant struggle.

Aches, pains, brain fog, fatigue, 

always fucking hurting or needing to rest.

Having to take 5 minutes.

Trying to switch off.

Yet.

Never feeling rested.

Not able to fully relax.

My body pounding or exhausted.

Tingling, itching, sore or just plain numb.

That invisible itch in my skull.

constantly reminding me of that scene in Harry Potter -  

when Voldemort is inside him and he's just writhing from another's evil soul...

I have to be distracted to be happy.

Get myself out of my head. 

Switch off my negative feelings. 

But what the fuck can switch them off?

 

Every damn thing I enjoy I can only do for so long.

Before I hurt more, ache, feel dizzy, feel tired, can't think, can't type, 

forget what I'm doing while doing it.

Before someone notices that I'm not talking properly. 

That I can't pronounce something, 

Or said the wrong word.

Start dropping things.

My hands forgetting how to work correctly.

Can't see right.

Blurriness descending.

Hand eye coordination gone wrong.

Unable to move out the way.

 

While my head starts buzzing and pulling, 

Like its twisting inside.

Feeling all its weaknesses instantly. 

The physical and the mental scars start to breakdown.

And sleep tries to smother me.

Again...

 

Go to sleep.

Start again later.

Again.

Again.

Is it me just being weak?

Do I need to just get on with it?

Yet, if I try, I just fail.

I just don't know what to do.

The world is overwhelming. 

I don't know where to start.

There's just so much I need to do.

That I want to do.

But I just can't remember what. 

 

So I do nothing,

just scroll on my phone.

Until something reminds me.

Or I just want to cry.

Sink into the bedsheets forever.

Forever. 

Their tests say I'm fine

Because adrenaline hits well when faced with a challenge.

Something to make my life worthwhile.

A meaning.

Yet they tell me, 'Average, you're fine'.

No I'm not, 

And just maybe, just fucking maybe, 

have they thought this can't speak straight dipshit of a person was actually over average before?

That's,why I'm struggling now. 

Not that I've always been average,

but because my brain has changed.

Maybe that's why I can see through the bullshit?

The constant, drip feeding of the nudge team.

The 'stop you thinking' media.

The glaringly obvious manipulation and agendas.

The lies, the puppets, the distractions.

I'm blind to it all and see clearly at the same time.

And it hurts, it hurts so fucking much, that when they say to jump, others just say 'how high'.

Bending over to lose their rights, and their health, and their freedom... forever.

That of their children.

People I love.

I don't want to be part of that.

It breaks me to think of it.

I don't want to know.

I can't agree.

Exhausted even more from the pain of that division.

My babies...

I try and make plans. 

It works for a while.

Then exhaustion returns and I have to stop.

For a day, or a week.

How much is emotional and how much is physical I don't know? 

But I can't cope.

And after, I'm so behind on the daily chores that extras just aren't possible.

So when, or if, I ever catch up.

(When others help out)

I've just forgotten what I was doing...

Over and over.

Books are half read.

Clothes are half sewn.

Jewellery never finished.

The crochet needle still with wool on it.

Letters never written.

Survey results never published.

Blog posts in draft.

So many to do lists.

Their reminders silenced long ago.

And still the floor needs vacuuming, the washing putting on and the rubbish going to the tip!!

But it's too much.

So I just don't start.

And once again.

Tears just roll down my face. 

As I'm sitting there blankly.

Empty inside.

Until a customer knocks at our door,

And I wipe my damp face, put on a smile, and they never even know.

It feels like an act.

It's not me.

 

Or we go out.

Escape the reality 

Drowning in natures beauty instead.

Silence.

So healing.

So, so healing...

At gigs, I'm a different person.

The hidden me appears.

I even look different. 

I know I do.

I can feel it.

The switch has flipped.

I chat to anyone, I enjoy talking with others, laughing, 

Helping them, 

Being of use.

Being needed.

Being appreciated.

On top of it all for a while. 

Hyper focused and organised.

Content.

Happy.

Even joyous!

 

And then we get home.

The energy vampire in this house haunts me.

Tiredness returns.

My brain starts switching off.

My face changes.

A part of me disappears again.

It's been used up.

Washed away with the make up.

And the crap part returns.

Back to the me that I don't want to exist.

 

Empty.

 

Empty inside.

.

I thought...

I thought I was angry, a stroppy red head,
But I'd had so much trauma, I often wished I was dead.
No-one seemed to notice, no one seemed to care,
They couldn't see past the surface on what really was there.

I'd been scarred as a toddler, scared as a kid,
Abused as a teen, not fully realising what he did.
I thought it was normal, thought it was fine,
Didn't know that my childhood really wasn't mine.

I thought I was grown up, I thought I was cool,
But all along I was played like a fool.
Yet everything was hushed up, "Don't mention it again",
Until in the end my soul was crying with pain.

So the anger exploded, the fears came to light,
But I was just judged, "She really isn't right".
Of course I wasn't, these traumas lay inside,
Haunting me daily, opening my fears extra wide.

I thought I could tell them, let my truth start to be seen,
But no one wanted to hear that perfect they'd not been,
"Forget about it all, just focus on your now",
Although my mind didn't seem to understand how.

And still no one listened, still no one cared,
"Just don't be so sensitive, be glad you were spared".
But, how can you be normal when you're dying inside?
Too scared to live, just wanting to hide.

I thought I was crazy, I kept reliving the pain,
I must have been guilty, felt I was insane,
Never once mentioned by those that had known,
Memories haunting me, I felt so alone.
I didn't want to be me, yet to scared to tell,
That every day I felt I was living in hell.

So I blocked up the pain, pushed it all down,
Until one day it burst and I felt like I'd drown.

I thought I'd address it, I thought I'd be brave
But it also felt like I was digging my grave.
I wasn't the bad one, it wasn't my fault,
But my life as I knew it, had come to a halt.

So the pain just erupted, there for all to see,

Finally, someone was listening to me!
Releasing the trauma, releasing the fears,
Connecting the dots, and a lifetime of tears.

I thought the old me is going, a new life begun,
I often wish it'd been sooner, so it could all be redone.
To look back with fondness, rather than wish it away,
To love every moment, to live for the day.

I realised I was powerful, realised I was true,
Happy with what I have, appreciating what I knew.
Finally knowing what it means to be free,
And for the first time ever, I finally could be me!

I thought I had got there, thought I finally knew Jo,
I wish she would stay though, the negative of me go.

Yet the darkness keeps returning, I have to again turn on the light,

Once again I'm trying, as I want to look back knowing I did alright.
Know that I healed my soul, that I healed my pain,
And never, ever would it happen again.
But for now I keep trying, knowing my goal,
That every part of me finally feels that I'm whole. 

 

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How do I explain...

© Jo Barlow 2020

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A poem to my surgeon and the nurses...

I wrote this last May, on my second cranioversary (my craniotomy anniversary!) but only just decided I will post it on my blog.

I never sent it to St George's, despite planning to after, as I felt it a bit odd and stalker like to do so! Maybe if you are a nurse or doctor you can let me know if it would be acceptable... but whatever, this is dedicated to you  💜 

...and especially to Mr Jones and all the nurses on Brodie Ward at St George's 💜😇💜

Thank you

I know it was your job

A daily task for you

But I don’t know if you truly realise

The thanks of all you do

My kids wouldn’t have a Mum

My husband not a wife

There would be an empty hole

If you didn’t save my life

As every day I know

That I wouldn’t still be here

Without your knowledge and your skill

And shed a silent, thankful, tear 

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WHY??

Why?

Why is this world obsessed by beauty?

Why is this world fascinated with new?

We are we made to believe in perfect?

Why are our feelings distorted from true?

Why do people not care for others?

Look after what’s here and not start anew?

People are killing, people are dying

Wars forever, on what ‘the bad’ do

How do they manage to divide us?
Make them not human, say the untrue?

People are human and yet they’re the enemy

They are ‘a bad bunch’, it’s not just a few

So we bomb them, destroy them

Call them a Muslim, a terrorist or Jew

Say why they’re different, say they’re not like us

Block out our feelings and subdue

Elderly dying, no money to help them

Food banks for workers, just care for the few

The homeless have nothing, the kids with no dinners

Why don’t we stop this? It’s not taboo

We are paraded with fashion, like it all matters

Need new gadgets, a house with a view

The grass is always greener, your life will be better

Everything valued in what goods you accrue

And while we are lusting, wanting the latest

We’re distracted away from all the rich do

Tax evasion, controlling, tracking devices

But call them ‘smart’phones – do you have a clue?

Shares in arms, they make their money

Take others resources, kill the animals too

But people still but it, people still buy things

‘We are here to help’- if only they knew!

There’s no profit in caring, no profit in love

No control of the people and all that they do

Keep them sedated, fighting the irrelevant

Too poor to argue – we don’t need a coup

Divide and conquer, keep them distracted

Trump, Putin or Brexit – it all makes me spew

We need to wake up, we’re destroying the planet

The animals living here, and ourselves too

We need to stop sleeping, awake from our slumber

Have heroes who matter, change things and imbue

Ethical business, stop feeding the greedy

Not people who only make money from you

You don’t need an iPhone to be someone special

Fake nails, fake hair fake tits – just be YOU!

There’s no money in natural, no profit in reality

Stop feeding the greedy, it’s long overdue… 

 🙏

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