It started with not even getting an interview for a (brain) charity position I volunteered for.
Where I said the reason I was applying was as I was a brain injury sufferer (as was one of the requirements they wanted) and want to change things, giving details of what I had written and done since my surgery.
I was offering my time for FREE and did not even get an interview!
How's that for helping you feel you are useless?!
Then I went to a local holistic event yesterday. I'd totally forgotten about it, but it popped up on my phone so I decided to go along as it felt right.
After I got there I walked to the 'workshop' room and was chatting to a woman there waiting - who just happened to be presenting. It was very interesting as her talk was about how the brain can be reprogrammed, and how negative self talk harms our brain, and with it our health...
Which, coincidentally or not, I have been actively trying to just observe and listen to myself these last few weeks...
Part of what she explained was how you would never speak to a friend with the negativity you say to yourself, yet most of us to this and never even question it.
& I realised I'm the worst friend I'd ever have...
Plus I very much need to remember these words:
"I am enough."
Anyway a while later I walked past this same woman at her stand and chatted about part of my cerebellum being missing and does she think the therapy she does would still work? How I feel that my belief and emotions have got more negative since a year or so after surgery.
Directly after my operation, I was sure my cerebellum would be able to re route all the damage - as after all the cerebellum has the most neurons in the brain, therefore giving it the most chance to reroute itself easily.
Now I just feel I have a chunk of brain missing, and a part of me went with it...
I struggle with things because of it, can't easily do the things that used to bring me joy.. and no one cares or will help me try and improve it.. I am stuck by myself.
She showed me a metaphysical meaning book "Metaphysical Anatomy" that was much more detailed that others I had read in the past and when I read the brain tumour personality description I could only agree with most of the words... this was me to a tee..
I'm buying a copy ASAP!!
For some reason I started talking to her about the fact that after my surgery, I felt I could do something. I had a purpose in being able to help others go though a similar experience. So I wrote a book, blog posts, articles etc to help them, as I felt better than I ever did before... plus I could earn a few £s with it, so it would work both ways ...
...but nothing much is working. I don't get much of an income, only a handful of people a year say anything has helped.
Much of the time I don't even know if it has helped anyone as I dont get any comments...so is it even worth it?? (I totally appreciate that when you are struggling with your own health and life, thanking others is way down the list of things to do!)
Then I mentioned what my neurosurgeon advised me about not doing any more work with brain charities etc and 'moving on with my life'... and well maybe the universe is telling me this too when I didn't even get the volunteer position?! That I need to do something else...but what???
My enjoyment of art, painting and drawing, is gone as I cannot see or coordinate to paint or even to do a dot-to-dot or colouring book as I once could...
Crochet is a struggle while feeling my hands are vibrating and doing the wrong thing...
How do I manage sewing, embroidery etc when I struggle to even thread a needle?..
My hands feel useless when I even put on my jewellery, let alone try to hold it to make any...
I know people can learn all sorts of new skills... but I am too scared to try again and I know I struggled to even sell things last time, when I could do them easier and better, it just seems pointless even trying now.
She said to me that maybe I will get a new path showing soon, just continue doing things that feel good.
That, yes, my surgeon was right in that when you keep focusing on the worst thing that has happened to you - your body cant ever let go. You are reminding yourself daily. Subconsciously telling your brain negative messages again and again.
Exactly what I do daily...
I need new messages.
I wandered away, looking round the rest of the holistic stalls, letting myself be drawn to whatever felt right. I had wandered round most of them, none feeling like it was anything that would be right for me, what I needed now.
Until I got to a stall by a company called Healing Forest where they had the most amazing smelling products made of Palo Santo and pendants made from this wood.
They all were lovely in their own way but I was drawn to one engraved with a wolf paw - the sign next to it saying
'Guidance & Path Finder'.
But the pendant shape was oblong and looked too a bit too masculine. I asked if they had it in other shapes and sure enough they had another one in an oval - perfect. I ended up buying some essential oil & natural incense sticks from the wood too. It was only after I realised the oil is used for anxiety, depression, headaches and emotional trauma...
I am now trusting I get the guidance I need.