The Worst and Best Year

Not sure exactly what I want to write, but I just feel SO emotional. Like I could cry a river from all the emotions I feel right now, over the past year.

I don’t think its sadness – just enormous gratitude, relief, letting go of the fear, exhaustion (physical and mental), love, tinged with a bit of frustration as to why the world can be so evil and why others can’t see this way…

I finally got my driving licence back, hence I managed to go to FMG. (The group is energetically based on the pioneering work of  ‘The Journey’ by Brandon Bays and on the power of stillness for deep personal and spiritual transformation.)

I haven’t been able to go for a whole year and longed just to be allowed to ‘be’. Laugh, cry – whatever – it’s all OK! To be with others who ‘get it', get that emotions are OK and try to build spirituality into their lives.

It feels like I have sobbed since I let the floodgates open there. I still have so much I need to release.

Saying I had brain surgery still feels like it happened to someone else, but I have this fuck off great scar on my head, a hole at the front and numbness to remind me. Daily. Hourly. Every few minutes.

But the really, really odd thing is… that despite all those crap feelings, the lack of being able to discuss it, the whole experience when looked at as ‘one’ has been positive.

Or as the quote on Facebook said the other day…

"This year has been both the worst and best year of my life."

It actually seems a little mad saying it’s the best year – but I was given another chance of life. And that’s got to be celebrated!! 💖

Thing is, as totally terrified and scared that I was – I never thought that I was dying. Maybe I was and people never think that they are? Or maybe, deep down, I just knew it wasn’t my time? My fear took over at times – yes. I was so scared of what could go wrong. Numb from the shock. Had panic attacks so constantly that it seemed like they were normal days.

But after the op, that I knew I had survived it and had my angelic shadows in the room. I know there is something bigger than me, or what humans see on earth. We get support. There is a bigger plan.