You're looking really well...

 

"You're looking really well, glad to see it. 😊"

It's a funny phrase that.  

 

As the judgement is already there - I think you look well, so you must be. I often think it is also when they switch off to the fact you have struggles.... just because my face, or more importantly, my hair scrubs up OK with a bit of attention! 😁

"You can't have a brain injury - you don't look like you do, you can do things right now."

"You can't have anxiety - you are confident, you look fit, healthy and attractive."

"You can't have depression - you chat and laugh with everyone."

Yet, if they had seen me just a couple of hours before they might have seen me...

 ...crying my heart out, curled up in my bed, wanting to stop the never ending chatter and fear programs going round and round my head. 

... having a full blown panic attack over a feeling I had, be it something as 'silly' as feeling full after eating or a micro second pain.

... freaking out and bawling my eyes out as a (C)PTSD memory has triggered me. An ambulance siren, a bleeping sound speeding up (even from a reversing car!), one of them damn blue surgical masks, or simply my vision blurring or feeling off balance for a bit. (Easy to do, when you need glasses for both near and far distance🙄)

... not able to go out alone for fear of what might happen to me, and no body will care or see, even if it's something serious. The shaking body after, if I have gone out and felt anxious, or the tears when I can't find my words and feel stupid. 

... panicking when stuck in a traffic jam, even if I have family with me, as I feel trapped and can't get out. No where to go.

... collapsing into bed. Unable to keep going as my brain has switched off, I'm struggling to talk, can't think clearly and just need sleep to recharge. 

... exhausted from doing the household chores, walking the dog round the park, cooking dinner.

... trying something creative and getting upset and frustrated as it looks like a child has done it, a mixture of poor hand control, no coordination and bad vision.

...chopping my finger when trying to cut veg, dropping the knife, the veggies, the oil lid, knocking the bottle over... After another, after another, after another. The insane frustration of a body that won't cooperate.

...feeling I'm nothing but a burden. Done nothing all day, but still can't work out how to cook the dinner.
 

Afraid to live. Afraid to die. Just wanting to sleep and it all go away. 💔

 

Does it mean that I can't have severe crippling anxiety at times, just because I enjoy talking to other people? 🤔

 

I find sitting in silence when alone but others are near anxiety provoking... I did my time of doing this knowing another person was struggling but not saying a word. It stresses me. So I need you to talk to me, to stop this fear based chatter starting up. Instead of wondering what you are thinking and finding the negative. I am the person that will talk to you on the tube... I can't stay silent. The more the energy is off, or I feel stressed... the more I talk. 🤐

Maybe I also want you to approve of me? See me as a person? Rather than this non entity that no one cares about... as the system certainly makes you feel invisible. 🫣😔

Not being the one that frequently feels useless as she can't work.  Being able to do something useful for a short time is SO needed, a feeling of worth for a short while. 

The tears are so closely hidden behind that smile. Yet, only those that really pay attention ever know they are there. 

But, please dont judge, and #bekind  💖🙏

#itsallinmyhead
#braintumoursurvivor
#invisibleillness
#invisibledisability
#cptsd
#anxietyawareness
#DepressionIsNotAJoke 

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