Negative days and dreams are OK

I’m sitting here and I don’t know what to write, but I feel sad. I feel there is nothing I can write that is positive… maybe I don’t need to be positive? 

Maybe I should just embrace the fact it’s OK to feel crap, hating the cold weather, the lack of sun, the dark evenings? Just accept the tears, that the leaves are falling off the trees, that things are falling apart?

I guess I could deal with it far easier if it was just for a few weeks, maybe even a few months, each year? But it’s 6 months. ½ a year. ½ a year of not feeling the warmth and healing from the sun when I need it.

I want to cry.

I want to move.

I want to live abroad.

It’s funny as the first time we went to Corfu (when I was 11) I just felt ‘at home’. That total peace inside – that my soul was home. I felt the similar in Majorca, swimming in the warm waters of the cove at night under the stars. Again when we went to Spain last month. That contentment inside.

How do I change it? I don’t know.

I just know I need to. Somehow.