Why are some days this exhausting?

I have had a tough couple of weeks, actually it’s more than that but my timescale is totally messed up and Mañana might as well be imprinted at the bottom of my email and to do list!! 

But the ombudsman letter really got to me. 

It feels like they were saying I was lying, that I wasn’t that ill after all and I should be fine now, and I am a nobody anyway, so fuck off and shut up. 

I don’t even deserve a decent apology, much less pay for them to back expenses for my private doctor and scan, and certainly not any kind of compensation for the extra agony of being stuck of the sofa for a few extra months… the fact they didn’t even review my complaint letter properly or address the main issues I had with HOW they expect a patient who has just had brain surgery to know how to write the bullet points correctly 😲 …

Once again if you are poor and cannot afford to pay anyone to support you… you are worthless.

I have felt it.

Then last week I had the most snotty, tickly nosed cold going… felt like my eyes wanted to stream all day and that I wanted to constantly sneeze. Combined with a husband who also had the same, along with blocked sinuses - so he couldn’t breathe out his nose and snored all night keeping me awake … and I was shot. Or wanted to be!

But over the weekend I felt better and so on Sunday spend a couple of hours sorting out my Facebook posts for my brain tumour page: JoBarlow  - It's all in my head  I always save posts from my Facebook or elsewhere when I see them and then after a couple of weeks or so, schedule them to post to the page. So I did this, about 5 weeks’ worth, as I hadn’t done it for a while and the scheduled posts were due to run out in a couple of days.

Last night I had also remembered to write a list of urgent ‘to do’s’ and this morning did many of them… almost a couple of productive days. 😊

Then this afternoon I was looking at adding a post I had seen and wanted to share. Scheduling it to post on the one day I had kept spare in March (purposely for this item) when on it I realised it said #BrainTumourAwarenessMonth, so thought that it would be a good idea to add this hashtag to all the rest of the months posts.

Which I did. 

But as I got to finishing editing number 31, I clicked on one of them to check something and realised it had my words, but no link to the article underneath, the link had disappeared as I edited it. I then checked the other posts and they were ALL the same… unless I had fully written the post myself without a link, I had somehow deleted the most of it!!! 😭

I tried to go back and look at the edits, but it just said I had deleted a link and I could find no way of getting it back… 

So I go on my computers history and do manage to find some of the saved articles, but the majority were in my saved items on Facebook, which was now empty as I had deleted them as I posted … and so I got a blank link! NOTHING! 😭😭😭

Two and a half hours later and I am thoroughly pissed off … it didn’t take me this long to post them originally, but even taking this long, I still have lost most of the links (I could find about 10 in my history, but many of these were from posts scheduled for April that were still there anyway!) I got SO confused working out which I had done, what days were empty and everything. 😖

Wondering why the fuck was I even bothering?

Does anyone even read them, or care?

Do they help anything or anybody?

And after all, I am not earning any money from this – and I could seriously do with some. 

Should I just abandon it and do something else? 

But then I realise I had a simple task of (re)posting a few Facebook or website links and I totally messed it up… I couldn’t even be employed at this, something I often feel I CAN do? If I did this to someone else’s Facebook page, I would be sacked on the spot… 

I then had to print off an email and in doing so the printer jammed totally stuck with paper wedged inside, and I could see no obvious way of removing it, so I gave up…

I realise my brain has had enough… yet I still have to make dinner. 

But whilst doing so I managed to:

• Slice into my nail with the knife, then almost my hand while cutting sweet potatoes.
• Dropped one potato almost on the floor, the other went flying along the worktop.
• Tried to get the curry powder from the spice container, and dropped the whole container all over the floor, stock cubes going everywhere (thankfully, for once, I had the lids on everything properly) and while picking it up, burnt the onion I was cooking.
• Turned the tap on, it hit an item in the washing up bowl and sprayed me with water as well as caused a puddle on the floor.

I then gave the dinner to Dave to finish (I had a doctor’s appointment to get a referral about my vision which I will talk about later) and came back to find dinner, thankfully, ready to eat.

• After dinner I went to add water to our large water filter, filling it right to the top, but as I put the lid on and added the jug I filled it with on the top it, the water overflowed gushing down the side of the filter, all over the worktop and the paper left on the side near to it.
• I mop some of it with the cloth that was there, but go to get other cloths and knock the cleaners from the cupboard into the floor as I get them.
• Make tea and drop the teabag jar as I am doing it up.

At this point I decide that’s enough and I’m going to bed …

• and in tying my hair up drop the hairband on the toilet seat (I don’t know how many hair bands have gone down my loo?)
• Knock the toothpaste tube in the sink as I go to put it back.
• Go to shut the window and get a comb caught in the blind (just caught before it also fell down the loo!)
• Turn the bath taps on, and forget to run the cold tap for a while… thankfully I realised after a while (and before I got in!) but had to fill the rest of it with cold water!

So… if I didn’t feel useless enough before - I do now!
Hopefully it will be a better day tomorrow?

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