That’s what I feel today. Blank, worn out and empty.
I can’t remember anything I should or could be doing – well I could clean and tidy every room in the house, but I don’t feel any inspiration nor have the energy.
If I’m doing something, I want to be doing something positive and not just cleaning up after others doing soul destroying tasks. It might not be so bad if I could do them and still have time and energy for more enjoyable tasks, but I don’t, so I won’t.
I know I could set some posts on my Facebook page, or write a blog piece, but I like doing these on my laptop, and well the screen gave up on it last week. (Thankfully Dave saved and exported all my documents, so I haven’t lost any, I just don’t have a laptop)
Somehow sitting at my desk, I find uncomfortable.
The window behind makes it too light to see the screen easily even with the blind closed. The blinds are horizontal stripes anyway and it sends my eyes insane as it is. The screen is too far away, the desk the wrong height, various chairs too high, low or uncomfy. The keyboard is too deep.
Nothing flows. I just type things wrong.
I know I want to write more, help others more. Let them know they are not alone, that its ok to talk. To try and be able to change things…
I’d love to write articles for anywhere that supports ‘brain issues’ - I might contact some of the charities and ask if I can help, but I have no idea what they will say.
I also still want to do a leaflet for hospitals - one that explains all those bleeps, buzzers and bells that terrified me when I was in hospital so that others with sensory issues can learn what they are and hopefully reduce their fear...?
Plus, I would like to have a leaflet available for all leaving hospital after brain surgery, so they know what to expect, and aren’t just left with nothing. Like I was.
But this is far bigger than just me, and I only have the experience of one.
There is also a part of me that would like to go into hospitals and find those who are terrified like I was, to talk to them… but I don’t think I can do it. Physically or mentally. Plus realistically I would need counselling skills to cope and really be able to help, which I don't have and would need to get. But how do you even plan to do something like this if some days you are too tired to even get out of bed?
I also need to earn money. I can’t afford to buy many things I need that have previously helped me, let alone buy any of the things I want…
At 3.30 in the afternoon I am sitting in the garden, where I had been for the last hour or so and feeling shattered. I can feel my brain switching off and the blankness appearing. That horrid empty blankness.
So, I do the only thing I can. Go upstairs and write. Scrawly handwriting where I still don’t seem to be able to remember the correct way to form letters and need to decipher myself after!
But somehow expressing the blankness, the sadness, the anger, the frustration, the tiredness, the not knowing, the low self esteem and the lack of belief, the fact many would see me as useless- without a ‘useful job’ - helps release it with my tears.
At the same time, I know I have helped others go through similar circumstances, written things so they can show their own family their frustrations (as they are the same as mine) supported them when its been tough…
Each time someone thanks me for my book, a blog post or a comment that I have made, it helps me too.
Feeling I have a purpose.
If we all helped others the world would be a much better place.
So at least when I have forgotten what tasks I should be doing - I can just sit down and relax! 🤣🤣
Plus I'm continuing to write... and if anyone else has any ideas - please let me know.