Monday, 23 September 2019

Autumn Equinox

I don't find this time of the year easy.
It's starting to get cold and I am so not ready for it.
I want spring to start again and give me chance to enjoy a decent summer.
Several more months, please!

Of being able to go outside and feel the healing power of the sun whenever I need it.
To have that 'extra room' to the house, the room that's full of nature.
Plants, birds, bees and butterflies.
To feel connected to life.
To feel connected to ME...

...but the sun is getting cold.
The wind even colder.
The leaves are falling.
It feels like everything is falling apart again.
Having to hibernate until the spring returns.

Life is on hold again.

Today the night is as long as the day.
Tomorrow we will have more dark than light.
I'm so not ready.

I am stubbornly refusing to wear my trainers round the park, and continue to wear my flip flops, even with cold toes.
Crunching through the leaves on the ground.
Wearing a t-shirt and body-warmer, as I just don't want to admit I need a coat.
Appreciating every ray from the sun.

Once we would have harvested our crops for the winter.
But barely anything has grown in my garden this year.

It seems like my life.

I feel I'm still needing to plant and grow, not to be held back by Winter.
The cold stopping so much.
I don't want to have to walk around with layers and fluffy jumpers.
I hate being bundled up.
Yet even then I'm always cold.
I hate the cold more.

So today I am struggling.

It's my son's birthday at the end of this month, but I know after that celebration the cold really hits.
I have three long months until December 21st when it's Solstice, the shortest day of the year.
And then another three until March, when I can finally feel some heat from the sun's rays again...
Part of me hibernates each year. 

I was born in Spring, 
I feel that's when life starts again.

After three and a half years, I finally feel like I am in control of my dizziness, my slightly wobbly balance and my head not feeling tight all the time. Enjoying the warmth.
Being able to exercise outside and feel healthier for the first time in years...
I am just about getting used to it.

But each winter since my surgery, I have felt my body stop improving - even get worse again.
The cold wind hurts my head.
The muscles go tight and pull.
The nerves feel the chill.
My head feels numb without even touching it.
I wobble more when I get cold.
My body contracted.
It feels healing stops.

Winter is tougher now than it ever was... 
...but I'll take it a day at a time. 

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