Saturday, 3 November 2018

Two 'normal' days

Yesterday and today I have actually felt quite 'normal'!

Two days in a row without either feeling I could fall asleep any minute, being unable to see close up clearly, that I need to sort out my head or neck pain, that I cannot concentrate or my clumsiness is driving me insane. 

The normal things I once took for granted.

I decided on Thursday that I was feeling fed up, bored and depressed with the seemingly constant chores with no enjoyment and that I really missed my 'chill out' in doing some art work. I have put off dong any art so many times as I am often so frustrated with what I now cannot do, but on Thursday I realised that even if I just 'played' and made textures with paint - it would do! If I could use any of the work or possibly sell it after then its a double bonus.

So yesterday I got up and put my painting clothes on, and just made a mess 😄 Yes there really is a mess of paint sploshed over the floor and I dropped each painting at least once, but I have also had fun just doing.

I had some small canvasses that I had tried to do some 3D designs on a couple of years ago and some more detailed ones that I started before my brain tumour that I have never been able to see, or coordinate myself well enough, to finish. So they got recovered in another few layers of paint. Many I then wrote various quotes on. They are not amazing art, no where near, but they are decent enough and also pretty meaningful to me - and I hope to others?

I also had a new canvas and I just layered it, enjoying the paint. I don't know what it is turning into yet, what the next layer is going to do to it.

...but I like how much you can totally change something so easily if you let go of what you have... 

A lesson for myself again?

Part of me still wants to try and do more detailed work again, yet a bigger part of me just needs to enjoy and do what I am for a while. I need the 'art chill out', get some confidence back and not be thinking how much I have changed, how much I am failing.

Somehow dropping paintbrushes, the canvas, kitchen roll is not as upsetting and frustrating as dropping a knife, not being able to peel veggies without dropping them or just struggling with a key!

Or maybe it just feels more productive? Something I don't feel very much of recently

Whatever, it distracted me from 'me' and that can only be a good thing. 💜

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