Scanxiety and Medical Cannabis

After the horrendous experience during and after my last MRI scan I'd decided for the last couple of weeks to take some cannabis tea. Using lots of the ground leaves so it should have more CBD in it as well as THC. The CBD oil I had bought and had been using for several months was now only giving me very limited benefits.

My logic being it might help calm me and also help treat the neurological issues I still have. It seemed to be working as a few teaspoons of tea a day just lowered my stress levels, and the shaking inside seemed to stop.

But on Thursday, I came downstairs to see letters written by the NHS on the table. I saw the logo and felt totally sick to the stomach. Even though a few seconds later I realised they were routine letters for other things and two were not even addressed to me, the internal stress didn't go with this knowledge and I still felt really anxious a couple of hours later...

So I decided to make some more weed tea and once it was done took a mouthful, as I had done with the last batch. I few hours later I took another gulp and after hour or so another...

I felt calmer, very slightly wobbly, but nothing worse than I have for the last 4 years, I was even going to post a comment saying:

 "So basically my brain has felt like it's been high

for the last few years,🤔

Maybe I should accept this feeling more? 😂" 

I felt fine and made dinner ... Although felt slightly more wobbly as I was finishing my meal. Thought I'd have some ice cream and ate a bit, then tried to look at my phone and forgot what I was doing as I was doing it. 

Then my head spun.
The full going in circles like being on a fairground ride... 
The memory of waking up after brain surgery and then first trying to sit up... Everything blurry...
The trying to eat when my world was spinning... 
The thinking I would pass out... 
Not knowing if it was panic or a brain response, but that fear was not helping one bit... 
The violent, feel sick to your stomach, nausea.

I all but ran up to bed crying and shaking. Nothing would stop the revolving vision. Me feeling totally unsure if it was having too much tea or what...

I'd not had that much more than previously, although it was another, maybe stronger, brew and still warm. I was not able to remember how much I'd had, I couldn't quantify a mouthful to know if it was too much or not?

My thoughts still not sure if it was the tea, a panic attack or my brain was fucking up again...

I knew I'd had a vestibular neuritis episode a few weeks after my last MRI. Maybe that was the link?

Anyway, I won't bore you with the next few hours nightmare thoughts, but fair to say I relived every single fear, trauma or sensation I had before, during and after my brain surgery. 😱 Each memory seemed like it was coming up to remind me I'd felt it, maybe not fully faced it, and that somehow it still traumatised me. That I'd not processed these fears yet and never really discussed them out loud.

I had visions of walking to the toilet in hospital ...
when I couldn't see anything as my world was spinning so much ...
crying alone in hospital as I felt so terrified and tired ...
reminders of blurry, spinning vision ... 

and the ultimate terror of feeling I was drifting off while laying in theatre as I was given anesthetic for my surgery - Not knowing if I would actually wake up again nor be able to walk or talk OK if I did ...

I had horrendously strong memory of every fucking traumatic experience while feeling dizzy before and after my brain surgery, as well as every severe panic attack that I'd ever had where I'd felt out of control and dizzy.

All in one evening. 😰

It took over 2 hours for the violent spinning and feeling I would pass out to go. 2 hours that felt like days... Weeks... Months...Years. All compounded into one.

Yet part of me also felt totally stupid, I'd been sipping tea for a couple of weeks, why suddenly did I feel this horrid? Why did I drink an extra mouthful so close to the others? The one evening Dave wanted to go out...

I don't drink - I stopped when I was 18! I know I don't like the feeling. I am sensitive to almost every medical drug I've tried. If I have too much dark chocolate I get shakes from the caffeine, don't drink even a normal tea and certainly not coffee, sugar gives me a jittery rush, gluten or milk = belly pain and feeling slightly poisoned. I can taste a drop of alcohol in a glass of water... (Yes my kids tried it!)  I am all but in a coma from taking one antihistamine, I am a zombie on co-codamol, the Heparin injection I could feel for hours, I can't even have more than one paracetamol without nausea and Ibuprofen is worse- hence why I stopped pain killers 2 days after brain surgery!  I get like I am drunk just when I'm tired ... 🙈 What the hell was I thinking? 😬


I'd taken months to even take a sip of the tea as I was terrified of feeling wobbly again. I had only taken it before bed for a while, just to be sure I wouldn't feel it. Then one tablespoon only by day. Why the fuck did I sip it? I know I can't cope with feeling drugged! Since I was a kid if doctor's wanted to give me painkillers I refused as I'd rather have pain than this feeling...

Then I started panicking again that it wasn't the tea, but more brain episodes I can't cope with... only the fact that I couldn't stop drinking water reminding me that it probably wasn't that!😅

Eventually after midnight I felt calm and safe enough to go to sleep and not feel it would be the last thing I did. 😬

I woke about 9am Friday, still feeling shaky inside, still feeling slightly wobbly when I got up.

But mostly just like I'd had a battle with my nightmares and every bit of negativity my body knew and held on to.

I managed to get some porridge that was made for me, then just watched more TV and tried to stop myself getting stressed again. I knew I just needed to sleep more, brain surgery was a great teacher in knowing when my brain couldn't cope any more. Eventually I fell asleep and woke about 2 1/2 hours later. Feeling a bit better...

Yet wondering how anyone could have so much stress inside them and still function?!

I'm now too scared to drink anymore tea, feel an idiot, and like I have been reminded of all the darkness and fears... Anxiety, frustration and anger back to after surgery levels 😩

The only positive is that I know when you keep getting reminded of hell, you appreciate the light again better...🌞

 I then saw this picture show in my news feed the following day!

I'm not ashamed about using a plant that has been proven to heal many, many people of all sorts of issues. I have heard of several people controlling or even healing their brain tumours from taking it... Especially as it is known to be very good for all sorts of neurological problems as well as anxiety.

I am purely wanting to take a natural plant to IMPROVE my health, rather than relying on toxic pharmaceutical drugs that almost certainly damage it. 😕

I am far less ashamed than I would be if I chose to get drunk, and yet for some reason that is a totally acceptable thing to do. 🤔

I might just not take as much next time! 😁





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Scan & Mask Stress

I managed to get my 'cancelled due to corona' MRI re-booked by writing a letter to my neurosurgeon saying I believed I already had corona and that I really wanted my scan still, as waiting was causing me stress. Not knowing if the after effects could possibly be returning symptoms or not. Anyway a week or so after asking I got called saying they had a cancellation and would I like to go next week.

So I've had a week of extra scanxiety. 😬

The scan was on Wednesday 3rd, and when we get to St George's the hospital was half empty, no outpatients, nothing. Loads of beds double stacked empty in corridors, we were lucky to cross with one or two people in each corridor and over 3/4 were staff  - considering they only had one entrance open at the moment this is insane! Normally it's as busy as walking up a small high street - and that's when all the entrances that are open, not just this main one.

When we got to the neurology scanning area (after walking past the lift outside that theatre where Dave had to wait for over 6 hours... 😶)  there was no one there, just a bag on a chair to show a staff member must be around somewhere.

I looked to check I was in the right place and among my name could see there were 5 other people on the booking in sheet. (Normally it's 2+ pages)

Signs were up on every other chair in the waiting area, saying you could not sit next to another person. Good job there were two near each other that both weren't out of bounds, or I would have ignored the sign or sat on Dave's lap!

Eventually someone walked over, I assume a radiographer, telling me to fill in a form and here was a mask. That I had to wear a mask in the scan! I told her I didn't want to as it would give me a panic attack, and that I've already had corona.  She huffily said it wasn't for my benefit it was for hospital staff safety 🤔 

Cue extreme stress and a rather illegible form as I already couldn't think straight!

I took a mask and promptly ripped the inner, more plastic, layer open so if I had to wear it I could breathe better, but refused to put it on. I was seriously thinking about walking out as I didn't want to wear it, I was freaking at the thought. 😔

Another radiographer arrived and discussed with the stroppy woman which of them was doing this next scan, something was said quietly and thankfully this other woman said she would do it and took me down. 🙏🏻

The Corona rules there are stupid (as they all are!) I HAD to get changed as they wouldn't let me in the scanner wearing my clothes. (Like my clothes would be more infected than my breathing, if I had Corona?!)

Yet I had to put my clothes in a (un-sanitised) locker and not just wear a gown over to cover them 🤔 (I had short leggings and t-shirt with no metal, so I knew I could wear them normally in scan) I had to keep my socks on and wear shoes walking in the scanner room 🤔

The radiographer thankfully accepted I wouldn't be having gadolinium without too much of an issue - I said my neurosurgeon agreed it wasn't necessary. She did go and check and came back saying that was fine.🙏🏻

They took my CD to play in scan, maybe they cleaned it & I didn't see, but insane if they didn't with the rest of the rules.

Thankfully no one mentioned the mask

(By the way, the staff have full masks and visors. Well some did, those near patients. Most staff walking up corridors, porters etc had nothing.)

But by the time I got in scanner I was stressed and panicking, it wasn't the machine or the scan as such, just this compounded fear or all the masks and rules which were not making sense. I felt I was stuck in some alternate reality where everyone is insane and I am the only one seeing past it...

I was in there and despite listening to the relaxation music, had to try to calm myself trying to do multiplication 🙄, wriggling my toes in order - anything to distract my brain! And after feeling for much of it I was constantly on the verge of pressing the buzzer to stop, I almost relaxed near the end.

I knew I needed to get this scan for my sanity.

But was in such a tizzy after I even ended up accidentally pulling emergency cord while getting changed! 🙄

When she gave my CD back, I asked the radiographer why I didn't have to wear the mask and she said they had already had another patient not able to wear one earlier and she was OK with the 'risk', she also said not wanting to be stuck in scanner with a mask is understandable and a very valid reason. 💜

I was so stressed with the whole experience, far more than the actual MRI (although not knowing if it's OK or not is a stress in itself) that had a huge panic attack that evening once I got home. 😞

I didn't hear or see anything to suggest anywhere in hospital was busy . Didn't even hear or see an ambulance, which is very strange! Normally it's an all but constant noise.

Dave had walked down to cafe while he was waiting for me and said he was the only person in there.

I hate to think what it will be like once they start having routine appointments again. 🤐

Also I realised that the masks are almost giving me some kind of PTSD. I knew I didn't like them (and don't agree with them for lots of health reasons) but this hospital trip was a very unnerving experience...  the fear is just magnified 1000x as everyone is acting like everyone else is a potential killer. You can't even see if the staff are smiling at you, or get a human connection... The lack of humanity got to me 😢

And hearing they now want masks on public transport and staff are wearing them in shops is affecting me. Too much like surgery ... Too inhumane 😬

So now I wait... feeling rather stressed and trapped in a mad world.






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A Very Quiet Birthday

Two days ago it was my birthday 🎂 I ended up spending it at home with my family. No surprise there being that the country is on lock-down! 😁

On the surface there was no presents (as no one could get to the shops), no meal out and I couldn't even get a takeaway of food I wanted.

Last Saturday evening also should have been having a birthday gig with my husband and son's band. It is the singer's birthday the day before mine so last year it was a fun event. Nothing pressured, just an enjoyable evening. But this year everything is on stop...

So instead I got a nice home cooked meal and my son making me a really tasty gluten free birthday cake. (Believe me tasty gluten free cake is a task in itself!) Nothing else different from any other day.

Apart from their presence in the present -

which I guess is the best type!! 💜

But then I never much liked my birthday, I hate people fussing over me as they are 'supposed to' rather than they 'want to' (Just to let you know - any other day of the year and I am up for treats!) and I am not the artificial huggy, kissy type. If you get a hug it's as I mean it, and care. We even chose to get married abroad as I didn't want a wedding what feels to me a fake, and expensive, parade.😬 So I guess 'nothing' doesn't upset me too much?! Not much different to lock down being quite like our normal daily lifestyle...

But I did get a birthday spent outside in the garden, with blue sky and no 'plane lines' (even if it wasn't as sunny as the day before.) The loudest noise for most of the day the birds nesting in the bird box in my garden, rather than the constant volume of traffic driving past, the constant line of planes in the sky or the rumble of a transporter dropping off cars to the garage nearby, or people revving engines. I spent much of the day planting seeds and sorting pots for growing veggies in what felt a far better environment than usual.

Plus, as it has rained in the night, when we went for a walk that morning the trees outside had dropped their white pollen, so it was like I had a layer of natures confetti at my doorstep, all down the road and at the park instead. Nature celebrated quietly with me.💜

And... for some reason, I still find the date of my brain surgery, my cranioversary, more of a celebration of still living than my birthday. Maybe as not many have a cranioversary day, or a second chance at life, it's a bit more special?







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Comparing Recovery Isolation & Corona

We are now almost 3 weeks into being isolated at home. My husband and I both started feeling ill on 16th March, spent the next day in bed. No it wasn't romantic, we both were feeling full of flu aches, with temperature, headache, nausea, dizziness, fatigue and me constantly coughing.

Two or three days later our two older children then started feeling ill, mainly with headaches, body aches and a temperature, so I had to try and get drinks for everyone, cook dinner etc while really not feeling up to it. I decided then that having a brain tumour was actually an advantage as it meant I was already used to cooking and doing chores when I felt dizzy and fatigued with more than a bit of brain fog! 🤔😬

A few days into our illness, the UK went into lock-down, so we couldn't go out anymore anyway. 

My husband was basically ill in bed, or the last few days dragged into the sun lounger in the garden to get some vitamin D, for 9 days. It took us both about 2 weeks to even start to feel normal again and cook without feeling totally exhausted after, even though we then lost our sense or taste and smell and still felt tired. 

At some point, or two, my husband complained about how slowly he was recovering, how fatigued he still felt, and how slow his brain was working... each time I laughed! I know I shouldn't but I did say to him, "Now do you understand?"

Almost 3 weeks later we are still a bit more fatigued than usual, I'm still coughing but otherwise things are back to 'normal'. Whatever that is now... 🤔

I know I have read someone else talking about there not being much difference being isolated after brain injury to Corona lock-down a couple of weeks ago, but now we have had 3 weeks of only going out twice to get food and I wonder ... 

Is getting over brain surgery any different to this forced isolation? 

The only more negative things now is it takes me ages to get a shopping slot online and it's not even guaranteed I will get one, half the products I want are out of stock, food costs me more money, some of the places I shop from are closed, or only open for short periods, and post is taking ages. I also can't go to visit my parents and the garden centre is closed. I am also missing my weekend escapes of going to my husband's gigs. 

It's also the same in that once again my family have no income. Last time it was as my self employed husband had to look after me, this time as all his work has been cancelled. We are used to living on tax credits. We have dealt with it before, we will do so again 💜 

On the positive side... I only felt ill for a week. I was able to walk the dog again after 9 days not 90. We have been able to tidy garden, plant seeds - all nicely growing me veggies, sort house, finish off building a recording studio for my son, put up shelves and make things and have even ordered paint to update the hallway. I have time to sort out and now need to list the 100s of books I want to sell. We have a pile of items to take to the tip or charity shops once they are open again.

And, most importantly, this time others (even those than have not been ill with Corona) UNDERSTAND how you are feeling. 

Isolated.

Thing is, 

I had already been forced to get used to it. 

Now its almost quite normal ...🤔😬

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Questioning Scanxiety

I don't find winter an easy time of year, I certainly am no where near as active or productive as in the spring and summer, and cold winds still can make my head feel nerve pain or achy. Plus I really miss sunbathing and recouping my energy - my kids don't call me a tortoise for no reason! 😂

For the last 2 years I also started getting dull headaches in the winter, starting from about December, (see Crying in the Rain) I remember getting odd sensations and scanxiety for the few months before my last MRI (in April 2018) then being relieved that it was fine. (see Scanxiety and SCAN RESULTS!)

Then again last year the same thing happened and I started with the dull headaches just before Christmas, but thankfully I reminded myself that this was seemingly an annual occurrence, and didn't get too stressed over not having a scan soon for reassurance.

The same has happened again this winter.

I don't know if it's purely as the cold weather triggers head pains, or if somehow my body has held the cellular memory of what happened?

...and so, as the major symptoms of my tumour started in December, my body kindly reminds me of it each year. 🤔

 ↔

I also know that I have another MRI due this year, around April or May time, and so I feel there is some tension and scanxiety brewing again..

Stress causes my head to tighten up, I can now easily feel it and the muscles right up my neck into my head, which then in turn causes my head to hurt.

I know my Neurosurgeon reminded me last year that 'head pains are not actually from the brain, as the brain has no pain sensors' ... but... I certainly had headaches when I had a brain tumour - and right over where the tumour was, plus after surgery I could clearly feel a buzzing 'in' my brain! 🤔

I have also realised that somewhere in my mind I have taken it that between 3-4 years is when a re-occurrence is likely to occur, if if does. So it feels this is an important scan to know what's happening. 

I fully realise it's not much point worrying about what could easily be fine, but I also know confirmation that all is OK will be very reassuring.

"Suddenly the head pains are just side effects of surgery again rather than the concern the tumour 'may be returning'..."

↔

It feels like these follow up scans are an information and possible decision time, much like when you are pregnant and go to a ultrasound to confirm all looks OK with baby. It doesn't change anything about what's happening, but it helps you know that most things are probably OK and you can relax a little. Or possibly give you advance warning that there may be a concern that needs rechecking or an action taking.

There is so little information about hemangioblastoma's online, even less about those not linked to VHL disease, and really not much at all about the re-occurrence rate for sporadic tumours as mine was. 

Much of what I have read has changed within less than 4 years since my diagnosis, as has information on the cerebellum.

However it seems the general consensus is that up to 25% of sporadic hemangioblastoma's regrow. Whether that is because of the area in the brain and if wasn't all able to be removed first time without damaging something, I am not sure. 🤔

Even with my Facebook support group, of about 100 people who also had cerebellar hemangioblastoma's, I think only a couple had surgery very similar. The majority of  hemangioblastoma's are surrounded by a cyst - mine wasn't. (See here for the different types)

Most didn't get an extra hole in the skull at the front of their head for a external drain during surgery, and I don't think any others have a similar plastic plate in their skull. Some had 2 surgeries, one to embolise the blood vessels first, others a second for different reasons such as draining the cyst first. Many have cuts straight up their neck and so they didn't have their greater occipital nerve cut, nor half their head still being numb. Some were in hospital months after, and I think my leaving after 2 days is faster than all. 

There is such an obvious variation in types of surgery, let alone what we don't know about the actual operation in theatre, that this 25% re-occurrence could also drastically differ from the difference in how surgery is performed and the surgeon's knowledge. 

I simply don't think there are studies working out the best outcomes. I also doubt any surgeon is going to admit a better method has since been found, so us patients aren't going to know!

Definitely no studies have been done in how often follow up checks should be carried out, some have them every 6 months, many yearly - but others having none! 

How much does insurance and cost play a part into this recommendation? 🤔 

My scans being 6 months, 2 then 4 yearly so far; then if all is OK not for another 5 years, are very much being at the lower end of the scale. 

So ... From my observations on my group, if a tumour has reoccurred then it seems to be between 3-4 years after their first surgery. This may well include those with VHL, as many haven't been tested on first occurrence of their tumour, it may also include those whose surgeon didn't remove it all in the original operation, but hadn't made that clear. 

But I now have the belief that my scan will be important. 

It's 'the' most important one.

↔

It was only on someone else in this group saying that they were due their first yearly follow up and how their surgeon had said this was the most important scan that I realised how much...

... our information can affect our thoughts and therefore our reality. 

They were nervous of this first scan, me of my next...

 ↔

Is it any different to birth and other Mums either telling you that 'You'll be begging for an epidural' or 'It's the most natural amazing experience of your life' and it changing your perception and fear completely?! 

(Sorry, I have 4 kids... I was told these, and mainly other fear based stories a lot!! 🙄As it was I had 4 births without drugs, and two home-births which very much showed me how much of a variety there can be, and much of it and the 'luck' is based on your fear, knowledge and accepting, or not, what is) 

But right now, I'm a bit like a pregnant mum awaiting her scan, not wanting to believe everything is alright until you get confirmation all is OK. Sort of ignoring the scan date and continuing with life until the day arrives. Not yet quite believing all is well and getting false hopes up...

You know it doesn't guarantee everything will be fine, but it certainly helps reassure you there is nothing major to worry about!

As I have said before ... One of the hardest things to deal with is that the after effects from my brain tumour are the same as the symptoms of it ...

All you can ultimately do is trust. 💖

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Life Lessons from a Dog Walk

This weekend has been stormy and raining heavily, so when I took our dog to the park today there were puddles everywhere.

Enzo was loving it, and kept running around each small puddle and dropping his ball into the water. Laying down next to it and watching. Then after a few seconds he picks it back up again and drops it back in the water.

I know from past experience at the sea or river that he often drops his ball and waits for the waves to take it away and wash it back to him, or the river to start to carry it downstream. He catches the ball again as it moves about a foot or so away.

So I believe he is waiting for this to happen and expects his ball to start to float away when he drops it into a puddle.

He is watching it in exactly the same way, picking it up and dropping it over and over, just it never moves.

His collie intelligence tells him water = the ball being washed away, yet if doesn't tell him that puddles are different to the sea, rivers or streams. 🤔

It's mistaken logic. Our belief shaping our reality. 

How many times do we do the same?

Clearly not with a ball in a puddle, but with life. How we think reality should be. How we have been shown or experienced something once before so we think that's still real now. And so we repeat something over and over as it 'should' make sense or react in this way.

How often do continue thinking the ball will float, when if we just sat in reality and watched it, we will soon realise the ball doesn't float when the water isn't moving. Or it only moves in certain locations.


Instead we just focus on how we think it should be...

even if reality is not following expectation.

🤔

Even a simple experience such as walking the dog in the rain can be such a variety of experiences depending on our mood and thoughts.

Some days it's as much as I can do to drag myself round the park, I don't want to talk to anyone, have any other dogs near us to take his ball and anger me when I can't get it back. Other days I will laugh at the exact same experience of a dog stealing his ball and teasing him with it, trying to get him to play.

Some days I cry walking round there, feeling extremely sad, angry or anxious,

There are times I love the rain. Just Crying in the Rain & Releasing.

Other days it just feels like the rain will never stop. it's making me uncomfortable and wet. Longing for the sun. 

 Yet others I feel nothing but love and joy. The rain a blessing.

I've learnt to accept all the feelings, none are wrong or bad, they just are. 

Temporary.

Often if I just accept that moment and the tears or frustration with it, a lap of the park and a sit on my favourite tree branch helps me release my feelings and refocus. (See my previous blog post here)

Soaking in the knowledge I have felt much worse and things have got better again, have felt amazing joy, then struggled again after... yet the tree is still here.

Still grounded, knowing it will shoot leaves again soon and feel sun on its branches.

Not expecting anything else other than what is ...






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Trauma, Anxiety & How Thoughts Can Change the Experience

It was only on reading something written by another person expressing their thoughts of when they were awaiting brain surgery that day and how their anxiety and heart rate went up, that I fully realised ... it wasn't just me.

I hadn't been weak, was just an anxious person, had a phobia, or was getting stressed for nothing... But was reacting in a way that others do, probably even the majority of people do, to a serious surgery where no one actually knows the outcome until after you wake. I was scared, terrified and my body was reacting as such.

Yet why don't we discuss this? 

Or the thousands of other events where you feel you will be judged if you actually dare be honest? 

Told to 'pull yourself together', 'man up', 'move on', 'be brave' or 'take a chill pill'.

Rather than someone just say... 

"Don't worry about feeling scared, 

it's perfectly normal considering the circumstances, 

I'll be here for you"
and to reassure you all is OK.

The nurse that held my hand in theatre until I was unconscious being one of these living angels. 💜

↔

Is it any different to going to the doctor and them diagnosing you with depression or anxiety ...but not taking into account that you have just had a upsetting or traumatic experience recently?

One that you need to discuss and process before you can move on rather than just bottle up and ignore.

The thoughts in your head won't go away , no matter how many pills you take, bottles you drink or things you try to distract yourself with...

Yet society shames us for struggling.
 Admitting our truth. 

So we frequently don't mention we have anxiety, feel low, or are stuck in a hole not seeing the way out. Until it gets too much and we go to the doctor's to get 'diagnosed'. With a mental health 'problem'. Told that the body doesn't have the correct balance of chemicals, or some other psychological theory that's not actually proven in science (but believed by many). (see my previous post about Johann Hari's work)

Yet is it really a problem or just a way of reacting or adapting to life? 

 

 

 ↔

 

 

If someone experiences a traumatic shock, we often need to tell others what happened. Express it in our own minds, make sense of it. Write it down. Draw an image if it, or just an abstract of the colours and words in your thoughts.

Animals often physically shake after a near miss by a predator, so why don't we cry, scream, shake or do what's needed? We do other people suppress us? 

When my then boyfriend drowned when I was 17, I was given tranquilisers that night by the GP, blocking my anguish and shock. Society expecting me to be 'over it' by the funeral, after all "I was only young - I'd find someone else"... 

With no one to explain the 'hell in my mind' to.

↔

I have since learnt and realise the body is programmed to be alert for future signs of something similar to protect us. Just as it would have done with early man. So if someone was wearing a red dress or there was the smell of freshly cut grass nearby when the trauma happened, both if these seemingly totally unconnected images will possibly remind your subconscious of the trauma, and give you future signs to avoid it. 

For years I hated birthdays, not knowing why. It was only when realising and fully expressing I was at a child's birthday party the day he drowned that this anxiety went. 😢

It can therefore take this understanding that when anxiety hits, 'What was near me just before it started, what it is reminding  me of?' to help release it. Rather than thinking 'I have anxiety now. I need to get away...'

↔

I had this situation last weekend. I was at a pub watching my husband and son's band play a gig and had climbed the stairs to the toilets. These same stairs that I had not climbed for a few years.  The stairs where before I knew I had a brain tumour I could barely walk up as they made me feel so dizzy and wobbly. Knowing something was drastically wrong, yet I was told by doctors it was all in my head. When I felt drunk, but was 100% sober, and so scared.

Instantly this fear came back, but because I knew I had linked these stairs with the anxiety of knowing I had something wrong. I could almost immediately be thankful the trauma was over. I can now climb them OK. Being thankful I was alive. Know that these stairs were part of my trauma, and that could now be released. 

I also can now think 'Oh that's made me a little anxious' and just accepting the fact I am feeling anxious seems to reduce the anxiety!

Where as if I start to panic, 'Oh I'm feeling anxious, I don't like this, what if someone realises... what if, what if, what if'... It just gets worse! 

↔

I again had a really good experience of this a few weeks ago. I was driving my car home alone (I had gone with my husband to collect another car, which he was also driving home) and as I didn't know the area, I was following the sat nav. Initially to the local services. It was narrow winding roads which I didn't like and as I was doing a mixture of looking at the sat nav and checking his car was behind, it made me feel a little wobbly and off balance. (I still can't easily turn back and forth without it affecting my balance) 

So after 40 minutes of driving I got to the services, already feeling a bit stressed and knowing I still had another hour or so to go. (Far longer than my usual driving, and I've certainly not done this distance alone since my surgery.) I told Dave I'd follow him now, as we both knew the way and wouldn't have to look back to check he was OK.

Yet as we got on the motorway, it completely tipped it down with rain. Like the heavens opened type of rain. I could barely see his car driving in front of me. The splash-back of a lorry passing meant I was all but temporarily blind, even with the wipers on fast! I felt anxiety rise, 'I'm on a motorway, they don't even have hard shoulders any more, not that I want to pull over in these conditions anyway as I wouldn't want to get out. I have to continue, as stressful as that may be.'

But I also knew that these driving conditions would be stressful to many people. I am an OK, safe, driver. I just need to relax and be sensible.

So I turned my music up louder and started singing along. Something I knew would relax me. After all no one could hear me with this belting rain! 😂

I also asked the universe to protect me, just like it has many times before, and trusted I could manage.


I'd dealt with far worse ... 

We both got home fine, about 2 hours later than planned due to the weather, but we were home safely. 🙏🏻 

I'd driven for 4 hours, minus a short break for some food, and been in a car for 6! Far more than I 'thought' I could drive for, but I'd never really had time to think how long it was until I got home.

So I didn't have chance to judge myself and that it was 'too much' for me. 🤔

↔

I guess talking to others helps clarify some situations and experiences in my mind, seeking what others feel and realising that it's 'normal'.

But questioning myself and my beliefs on others is even more available and often just as helpful.

Not judging myself negatively.

Yes I may have anxiety at times, who wouldn't with trauma in their past,  but I'm not a failure because of it. 

I'm getting over trauma and anxiety is part of that. 

Please help normalise it, and don't judge. 💜

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